What is baggage?

Reading another blog on relationships inspired me to write this post.  There are all kinds of articles and stories related to dating that talk about baggage.  So what exactly is baggage?  At times the term seems over used, subjective  and convoluted.  Everyone has a different opinion on what it is.  It can include debts, unresolved relationship issues, illness (I was very surprised at this one, an illness is beyond someone's control), addictions, children, pets....the list is never ending.  For most it's part and parcel of living life, we all have it.  Others go on and on about how bad it is.  At times it sounds like it's an epidemic because it's every where and anything you can think of is labelled as baggage.  More  often than not, it is viewed as a negative thing to have.  Let's look at some definitions:

bag·gage

ˈbaɡij/

noun

noun: baggage

• 1. Personal belongings packed in suitcases for traveling; luggage

 

synonyms:

luggage, suitcases, cases, bags "leave your baggage with the inspectors"

• 2. Past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments                            "the emotional baggage I'm hauling around"

Other perhaps less appealing more blunt definitions (from the Urban Dictionary):
- The shit people go into relationships with (kids, addictions, diseases...).
- An issue regarding a person's past that can affect their current disposition: addictions, debt, diseases, bad habits, past relationships (significant other or family), or kids.
- The person that is always dead weight or a creech in a group of friends.
- The crap a new boyfriend/girlfriend can bring into a relationship such as an ex-wife or husband, debts and kids.

I decided to ask friends for their opinions:
- Emotional baggage - lots of things going on in your head causing distractions, worry or anxiety.
- Any unresolved issues from prior relationships that exist when entering into a new relationship.
- Emotional problems.  Someone who has problems relating, trusting, being honest, being faithful, holds resentment against the opposite sex due to bad experiences, rebels against authority, attitude of always being the victim or mistreated.
- A person's attitude.
- Any aspect of your past that someone doesn't want to deal with.
- Drama, anything negative.
- Baggage probably means emotional.  Past wrongs and mistrusts a person brings into a relationship.
- Ghosts from the past that aren't quite gone.
- Some element of damage or a wound that hasn't quite healed.

* these made more sense to me, the third one and last two in particular stood out the most.

Smart ass male definitions:
- Women who are impossible to travel with because they need 5 suitcases to bring all of their clothes and shoes for a 1 week trip!
- Anything you need to go to therapy for.
- Baggage is a zippered suitcase on wheels.

* leave it to guys to not take this seriously!  Although number 2 is very valid.

Sadly, the topic of baggage is very subjective and open to interpretation.  It means different things to different people.  After doing a bit of research, reviewing the definitions above and formulating my own conclusions, I believe the following statement is accurate:

"Anything from the past does not automatically equal baggage.  It's how the past is handled and whether it affects the present and future, that determines whether or not something is baggage.  Many people are too quick to label everything as baggage just because it's something that occurred before them which they have no control over." 

I found this comment on a forum from 2012 entitled "What does "baggage" mean?"

"Baggage" refers to the emotional, legal, or other residue of past relationships that interferes with a person's ability to establish relationships in the present. "Baggage" can be anything from an inability to love and trust, to a large brood of dependent children that make potential partners reluctant to get involved.

Yes, everyone has baggage of some sort.  And frankly, some people are quite unreasonable in their demands that potential mates have "no baggage."  Some people want a partner with no past, no history, no life before them.  It is as if they want someone who was tailor-made for them, who has no purpose in life other than to be their SO.

However, there is also such a thing as too much baggage.  People do not have to be flawless to establish relationships.  But they do need to be in good working order.  They need to be able to trust, to give of themselves.  They cannot punish current partners for the sins of past partners, nor can they foist an excessive amount of responsibility on new partners because of past choices.  A man who thinks all women are lying whores because his ex cheated on him has got too much baggage to start a new relationship.  A woman with 6 small children has to recognize that is going to be too much for many men to handle.  

By: RogersParkGuy

* The only part I don't agree with is categorizing children as baggage.  They are not for everyone, it is a personal decision.  In my opinion the same can be said about caring for our parents or an elderly/sick family member.  I'll further add pets as many people treat them like children.  To me these are choices and responsibilities that we assume or take on, that others may not be interested in.  These would be better categorized as deal breakers. 

In a perfect world, baggage would be what you take with you when you go on a trip.  All the essentials you think you'll need.  If we frame it in this context, then technically we all need some baggage to get through this journey we call life.  Obviously packing light makes it easier to manage and navigate, but we all have different needs. 

Feel free to send me your comments.  This is an interesting topic with no clearly defined list of what baggage is.  Maybe one day there will be a more definitive list, but for now we should all strive to ensure we have resolved issues from our past that could negatively impact our current or future relationships.

Food for thought!

Dateless in Ottawa