Online Dating and Sex - How important is it? - updated

Relationships vary extensively.  Some people are only ever with one person for most, if not all of their lives.  At times I feel sorry for friends that have no other experiences when it comes to intimacy and the physical aspects of a relationship.  Growing up our parents were religious and extremely strict.  You didn't talk about sex and dating was out of the question.  It was hard if not impossible to ask questions about puberty much less sex.  We were kind of left to our own vices and had to rely on sex education classes at school, friends, listening to the older kids or others we hung around with.  Looking back it's scary.  I'm shocked there weren't more pregnancies.  I was beyond naïve and had no clue about anything.  Of all my friends, I was the late bloomer.  I had tons of guy friends, in fact I got along with them better than most girls.  At junior high the girls were terrible.  There was always cattiness, competition, gossip and they were just plain nasty.  Growing up we didn't have a lot of money, so we were never into the brand names or trendy stuff.  I dressed kind of boring and frumpy, I guess I looked more like a geek.  Being a bit overweight didn't help and due to allergies I couldn't wear make-up.  Other girls spent hours on their hair, make-up and getting dressed.  For me that was time wasted, I had better things to do.  All of my girlfriends had boyfriends before we finished high school, I wasn't interested.  I remember my girlfriends would get mad that I was friends with so many guys, some of which they were interested in, but for me they were just friends there was no other interest.  They didn't believe me.  It was common for our friends to hang out at our house.  My parents much preferred having us and our friends at home so they knew where we were, with who and what we were doing.  No one complained about Mom's cooking either, if anything it kept them coming back.  

Finally at the age of 18 I met the guy that would become my first boyfriend.  My parents did try to match make me with a family friend when I was 16, but that ended in disaster.  There was another guy that claimed to be interested, but turns out he had a long term girlfriend so early on I learned to be cautious and not trust.

As we get older, we meet other people and date.  This is how we gain relationship experience.  I was always the one in long-term relationships.  Sadly they usually ended badly with me being the one hurt.  In all cases, the guys cheated.  Being inexperienced and naïve is not a good thing.  It opens you up to being taken advantage of.  Growing up everything seemed so perfect and ideallic.  You treat others the way you want to be treated, with honesty and compassion being the centre of your existence.  This is what our parents and religion taught us.  By the same token, our parents were quick to point out the differences between a good girl and a bad girl.  They never went into too much detail, but you pretty much knew if you couldn't talk to them about it, it was a bad thing so best not to go there.  This would explain why at the age of 18 I had never been kissed, other than on the cheek. 

The guy that would become my first boyfriend didn't believe me.  He was floored.  What shocked him even more was the fact that I was a virgin.  He didn't think those truly existed at my age.  As naïve as I was, it took him almost 2 years to finally get me into bed.  Sadly it was a terrible experience, for me anyways.  It was over in under 2 minutes with him fast asleep and me lying there crying out of disappointment.  I felt so let down.  OMG!  Those romantic movies made it look so beautiful and exciting.  They lied, what was this?  Is this how it is all the time?  If so, why do parents make such a big deal about it?  A good girl is supposed to save herself for marriage, why?  For what?  I was full of regret and thought, I'm going to go to hell.  How sad that we were programed to believe that.  I hadn't done any thing wrong.  Why did I suddenly feel so guilty and ashamed?

Over the years circumstances threw me back into the dating world and ultimately online dating.  This was an entirely new learning curve.  Don't even get me started with messaging and texting, I thought government had a lot of acronyms, never mind!  I met and dated a couple more guys.  I quickly learned that no two guys are alike.  Sooner or later you will have sex, it's normal and I think necessary.  The physical aspect of a relationship is equally important to the emotional.  Sex or love making is an art.  Some guys have it, others don't.  I'm sure the same applies to women.  Various factors come into play for a successful physical relationship.  For me, most importantly there has to be chemistry and physical attraction.  One night stands and sex for the sake of having sex is not and has never been for me.  I don't rush into anything so the guy better be very patient.  If he's not, then goodbye cause he's not for me.  Holding off for several weeks is a great way to determine whether or not a guy is simply after sex.

Back to the original question - How important is sex?
I guess it all depends on who you ask.  Sadly some of the people I asked stated that it was only important when trying to procreate, once they had the number of children they wanted, that was it.  Others simply don't enjoy it so they don't see the point in having it.  Some schedule sex.  Really?  Me of all people can totally understand how chaotic life can get with kids, work and other responsibilities, but schedule sex once a month?  OMG and you wonder why you're not happy?  You so have to read about the benefits of having sex regularly.  Very sad, I feel sorry for these people.  Then you have the extreme opposite end of the spectrum where they can't get enough sex.  Something in between would be nice. 

Personally I think when you're having sex things are usually great, the minute it stops, chances are there's a problem.  The physical aspect is what helps two people bond, stay connected and share an exclusive intimacy that has no limits.  The possibilities are endless and partners should be open to exploring and experimenting.  You have to keep that spark alive and have fun.  That said, when you've had a couple of partners, it's very hard not to compare. 

Over time, much like we develop habits, we also develop preferences.  The same applies to sex.  When you're with someone for a long time, you eventually come up with your style and/or routine.  This is what I find difficult.  A relationship ends so now you have to meet someone else and start over.  You only know what you know.  It's scary, kind of like starting a new job and needing training.  Remember, no two people fit together the same way and each will have his/her own style.  You have to figure out how to blend these two styles or develop a whole new one if your partner is willing.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

Here's another complex question.  You're dating someone who's wonderful.  They understand you, have similar beliefs and interests, are willing to try new things, are honest, hard working and it's obvious they truly care.  Sooner or later you have sex.  One problem; the sex sucks.  What do you do?  Tough one isn't it?  How often does someone come along that successfully manages to check off pretty much every item on your extensive "must haves" list?  The first few times you sleep with someone can be awkward until you develop your groove, but after a while if things aren't getting better....

In life I try to be positive and maintain hope.  Generally I think an individual regardless of age, can pretty much do anything they set their mind to.  That said, some things can be fixed and others can't.  Some of us can learn new things, others can't or won't.  The same applies to sex.  We're all different.  We think differently, our bodies are shaped differently, our physical abilities differ and our needs are different.  

Many of the men I know have this attitude that they are God's gift to women and they are the best lovers in the world.  If only they could sleep with themselves and then others, maybe they'd better understand.  My ex was of this mind set.  If only he knew how wrong he is, at least in my opinion.  This God complex means he doesn't care what a woman wants or needs.  In his mind he's the best and he knows what he's doing so sit back and enjoy the ride, your opinion doesn't matter.  I find from my experience, if a man gets off, orgasms, comes whatever you want to call it, he's usually satisfied.  Whether it lasts a few minutes or hours, doesn't seem to be overly important.  The goal is having an orgasm.  Don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions, but these tend to be less common.  If you find a guy who's giving and puts your first, hold onto him for dear life!  It's the equivalent of winning the lottery for God's sake.  For women it usually requires a bit more time, at least for me anyways.  I'm sure other women would argue it's perfectly fine, the sooner it's over the better.  Lol  The whole two minute thing does nothing for me.  He's done and I'm barely warmed up, why bother?  Life isn't fair. 

There are several factors that can impact a physical relationship:
1. Size, yes penis size and the vagina too
- I won't lie.  Penis size can affect sex, but if he knows what he's doing it should not be an issue.  In general if he's too big it could be painful and if he's too small she might not feel much. Flip things around and the woman's vagina also impacts sex. 
2. Physical fitness level 
- Sex can be very physically challenging so being in shape makes a difference.  It can certainly affect stamina and creativity. 
3. Beliefs, religion and morals
- Sadly I have friends that think sex is a dirty thing.  It should not be enjoyed, it is used as a means to procreate.  Believe it or not, I've met men who felt the same way.  Hard to change the way you think when this is how you were raised.
4. Body image
- If you hate how you look, having sex will be difficult.  We can all be a bit self-conscious and we're our own worst critic.  Taking our clothes off and being naked is extremely difficult to do when you're not happy with how your body looks.  It makes us feel vulnerable, uncomfortable. 
5. Confidence
- "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!"  This is not easy to do.  In this day and age we're constantly reminded to be politically correct.  Confidence is sexy don't confuse it with arrogance, which is a major turn off. 
6. Experience
- Helps a lot, especially when your partner is not as experienced.  Think of it as a dance.  One leads and the other one follows.  Eventually both should have the ability to lead and alternate roles seamlessly. 
7. Weight
- Being underweight or overweight can impact performance.  You don't want to wind up with broken bones or crushed, nor do we want to hurt our partner.  There may be positions that don't work.
8. Curiosity and open mindedness
- Being open to new things and exploring the infinite possibilities is key.  Don't limit yourself.  As they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  You have to figure out what works and what doesn't so a bit of trial and error is inevitable, have fun. 
9. Age
- As much as we hate to admit it, aging along with aches and pains are hard to avoid or ignore.  Acrobatics and hanging off the chandelier become less appealing or perhaps it would be more accurate to say physically impossible, if you know what I mean.  Lol  It could also affect your opinion of sex.  In some cases it affords one more experience so continue to explore and have fun.

Sadly the questions remain unanswered.  How important is sex in a relationship?  When it's bad, what do you do?  Can it be fixed?  How?

Feel free to send your feedback.  I'm sure many are seeking answers to these questions and looking for some advice.  In the meantime, good luck.  Sorry this post was so long.
Dateless in Ottawa
       

Online Dating Sites Explored - Part 1: C-Dating

So off I went to explore the various dating sites currently available.  In my previous posts, I've talked about the sites I've used.  Not sure how many still exist, whether they've changed or how they operate, so I figured the best way to research them was to do a Google search for the Top 10 Online Dating Sites and create a profile in each so I can provide a detailed and comprehensive assessment.  Not sure who they poll, but every time you do a search different results and rankings come up.  Most of the sites listed are familiar, but there were some new ones.  My curiosity was piqued, so I got to work and started creating profiles and checking out the various features and differences between the  sites based on one of the Top 10 search results that had come up.  I decided I wouldn't post any pictures.  Just set up a profile, figure out how it works, what the features are and check out some profiles.

#1. C-Dating - This was a new one.  I had never heard of it before. 
I went into the site and started creating my profile.  All of sudden there was a section asking for my sexual preferences.  This seemed odd and unnecessary for an online dating site.  I skipped this section and continued.  Oddly enough, you don't create a user name.  The system generates one for you using a combination of letters and numbers.  I didn't think twice, figured it saves me the trouble of trying to come up with a creative username that isn't already taken.  Then there was a section where you choose pictures based on your sexual category.  This left me puzzled.  Something didn't seem right to me.  There was way too much reference to sex and preferences. To me this is something a couple explores at their own pace when they decide they have chemistry and want to pursue a relationship.  At this point I decided to check out a few profiles before completing mine. 

OMG!  The guys are quite detailed about their fetishes and sexual preferences.  Now I knew for sure this was not a typical online dating site.  I should've done more research before creating a profile.  According to the site's FAQs, this is what I found:

"CDating offers a clearly distinguished service compared to other single chats, dating platforms or lonely heart internet ads. CDating caters to men, women and couples who don’t want to miss out on non-committal relationships. CDating is a meeting place for those who would like to live out their erotic fantasies in a refined manner. Our member receive individual contact proposals generated by the CDating matching algorithm, designed for optimal compatibility. With over seven years of experience in managing global online dating services, CDating understands the importance of confidentiality, customer service and relevant matching technology. That’s why we are at the top of our game."

At the end of the day, this is a no strings attached sex matching service not an online dating site.  No wonder the usernames are system generated, this helps to ensure anonymity as anyone can use it, not just single people.  I quickly deleted everything and won't be going back onto that site again.  When exploring dating sites, check them out, do a Google search and look for blogs that give feedback or ratings before signing up.  Kind of pathetic that it came up as a Top 10 Online Dating site when I did the Google search.  In my opinion, this is not a dating site at least not for me.

On to the next site! 
Dateless in Ottawa