The Men of Online Dating Round 34

My goodness, I don't know where to start.  Within less than 24 hours, my inbox had over 30 emails.  I was shocked when I logged into my email account and saw all of the new email notifications. A few guys had also added me as a favourite.  Ok, time to log into POF and start reading.  I figured it would be best to start at the bottom and work my way up the list.  While logged in, emails kept coming in. Years ago dating sites had a chat feature, thankfully that feature no longer exists on POF.  I'm not good at carrying on several chat conversations at once. Even with text messaging, one at a time please!

1. Mr. Renovations
The profile picture was familiar.  This guy has been on the site for a long time using the same profile and picture.  I never wrote because a guy using a profile pic with a pet right up against his face and wearing sunglasses is not appealing to me.  As I've mentionned before, when a person wears sunglasses you can't see their full face or eyes like they're trying to hide something.  He was the same age as me, shaved head and tall at 6'2".  Some of his interests were similar to mine.  Profile stated he was divorced, didn't have children and he was undecided about having children.

His introductory email was funny, so I had to respond.  We wrote back and for a couple days, then he suggested texting and soon after we talked on the phone.  He was extremely funny and I enjoyed our interactions.  During one of our conversations I learned he wasn't in fact divorced.  He said he was in the process of getting divorced.  Yeah right, I've heard that one before.  Then out of the blue he sends a crotch shot.  I was so not impressed.  He immediately apologized, but the damage was done.  He  continues to write, but it's obvious he's looking for one thing with no intention of making an effort at building a relationship or perhaps all he needs is a pen pal so, NEXT! 

2. The Bus Driver
He was 51 so a bit older.  His head was shaved, but you could tell his hair colour was salt and pepper.  He was single, never married and had no children, unusual for this age group.  Heightwise he was only 5'7".  His interests were similar to mine in that he loved to travel, went away at least once a year, liked good food and cooking.  To stay active he played hockey and swam.  The profile pic was nothing special, but his blue eyes really stood out.  I'm a sucker for beautiful eyes and great smiles.
His introductory email made me laugh.  He said he found me attractive and loved my profile, but sadly he was only 5'7" so didn't "measure up" to my criteria.  I responded that height isn't everything, there are other qualities that are far more important. Taller is simply my preference, but not carved in stone.  He seemed surprised and asked if I'd be willing to meet.  I responded yes, after all the only way to determine compatibility is by meeting.  But first we should email a bit to see if we have enough in common.  One of my concerns was children.  He didn't have any and from my experience, most men go running for the hills when they learn I have 4.  Turns out he wanted kids, but it just never happened.  For years he had taken care of his ailing mother and that negatively impacted his relationships.  He claimed to love kids and had many nephews and nieces. 

We had great conversations.  He was handy and in the process of renovating his condo.  He wanted to convert it to a rental unit or sell it and buy a small house to fix up.  He worked odd hours so this also made it hard to maintain a relationship.

He went to the same Jr. High School and had some of the same teachers I did, but a few years earlier.  It was really neat to also learn he had lived in the same neighbourhood I grew up in.  What a small world.  We finally decided to meet for breakfast.  The day arrives and he texts early in the morning to cancel.  Said he was sick.  The tone was a bit abrupt and he felt the need to go into graphic details about having the runs and how awkward it would be to spend the entire date in the washroom... just what I needed to hear.  Ok, there was no offer to reschedule and I would've appreciated less details.  Ball was in his court, I wasn't going to try to reschedule.  I was leaving on business the following week and would be away for 6 days.  He eventually wrote and we talked a couple of times while I was away.  When I got back, we agreed to meet for coffee at Tim Hortons.  I was disappointed.  For the most part he looked like his picture, but he was not 5'7 and his body type was definitely not what I would consider to be athletic.  Whatever, I was out so let's make the best of it.  The conversation was interesting and I enjoyed his company.  Eventually it got really busy and way too noisy for my taste so we decided to leave.  He gave me a hug, a quick peck and off we went.

That night he texted and out of the blue the sexual comments began.  Up to this point he had been very polite and respectful which I greatly appreciated.  Suddenly things changed.  I didn't like his texts and he said the same things during phone conversations.  I made it clear I didn't like it, but he continued anyways.  How does one respond to, "You're edible, oh so edible" or "I'm betting I can make you so excited that you'll slide off that chair."  Ok, for the record he was texting and I wasn't sitting on a chair.  I found it very disturbing and didn't respond.  Gave off a creepy old man kind of vibe which was a major turn off.  This continued over the weekend.  He obviously noticed I wasn't responding and at one point he wrote to ask if I was ok with him.  No, I was not.  First thing Monday morning I texted and explained I didn't enjoy all of his edible and eating comments, that I didn't think I was the one for him and wished him luck with his search.  

He emailed a couple of times on POF when he saw I was online and claimed he didn't mean anything by it and didn't expect anything, just found me very attractive.  Duh!!!  As if he couldn't just say, "I find you attractive."  He went on to say I should reconsider.  Sorry, not happening.  When I'm done, I'm done.  Good luck to you!

3. The Pretty Boy
We were the same age, he was 6'2" with a full head of black hair and amazing blue eyes.  He was quite attractive.  The profile was well written.  Under occupation it stated finance.  He was divorced with a 10 year old son.  From his pictures it was obvious he liked to travel and he looked athletic.  We had fun exchanging emails and he quickly suggested moving to texting.  This is when all the sexual questions started.  He said the physical aspect of a relationship was extremely important to him and he needed to be sure a potential mate was on the same page before getting too invested.  I get that to a point, but his questions were way too personal.  It's best to get to know each other and go from there.  Do I like sex?  Yes, enough said. 

When I got back from another business trip, he suggested we meet for drinks.  I agreed.  We were to meet at Joey's for 7:00 pm.  I showed up and so did he apparently, but the date didn't happen.  At one point a guy walked in, then turned around and left.  I noticed him, but he didn't look anything like the profile pictures so I didn't pay attention.  This guy looked like he had just rolled out of bed.  He was wearing what looked like skinny jogging pants tucked into his socks.  The jacket sleeves and body were way too short for someone so tall and his hair was long and dishevelled.  He was really skinny, unattractively so.  I texted and said I would wait at the entrance.  He texted and said he was there, but never came over so I left.  Figured I had been stood up, oh well I did my groceries so all was not lost.

The following morning he texted to say, "Sorry, didn't like what I saw so I left."  WTF?  Wait a minute, it was the guy that walked in then left after all.  I told him he severely lacked etiquette and class, not to mention he didn't look anything like his profile pictures.  There was no resemblance what so ever to the pictures posted on the profile.  "Good luck with your search and thanks for leaving, you're so not my type!"  I still can't believe he did that.  How rude!  And this guy thinks he's God's gift to women???  Not!  Wound up having to block him.  He got really rude and claimed I didn't look like the cutie he was talking to.  Obviously he was juggling too many women and had me confused with someone else.  Unreal!

In addition to the wonderful candidates above, there were many rude emails and others soliciting sex.  Then the usual "Hi" and "Hey" emails.  Not too surprising I suppose.  Terrible start to Round 34.  The emails kept coming in, but I needed a break.  Maybe next week I'd build up enough courage to log back in and read a few more.  How disappointing that grown men have to behave this way. 

Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa

Round 34 - Ready, set, go!!!!

A mere seconds after activating my profile, the emails started pouring in.  I guess I was the fresh bait and the piranhas started circling!  Lol 
My goodness, nothing could have prepared me for the endless barrage of emails.  I've used online dating many times over the years, but I've never gotten this many emails in such a short period of time.  It was insane.  Any time I was logged into the site, it was worse probably because they could see I was online and more likely that I would show up in searches within my city and under new users.  Now I totally understand how Nemo and Dory felt when they were surrounded by seagulls yelling, "Mine!", "Mine!", "Mine!"  Talk about feeling like a piece of meat! 

Part of me felt excited, but I'm not used to getting so much attention so it felt weird.  At the same time I felt overwhelmed and scared.  Was I really ready to date?  The key was to remain hopeful and go with the flow.  I told myself to have fun and enjoy the attention! 

At times having a profile on a dating site makes me feel like I'm a mail order bride or a product in a Sears catalogue.  You have a picture(s), list of interests (equivalent to features I suppose!), likes, dislikes, some personal info about you...a bit of everything.  No matter how well written your profile is, at the end of the day your picture(s) are what get the most attention.  If the men like what they see, there's a higher likelihood they will email you.

Funny that no matter how specific you make your criteria when setting up your preferences and what you write in your profile in an effort to weed out the creeps, some how they still manage to get through and email you.

Popular work arounds:
1. Age
This is the easiest category to play with because when you create your profile, you can put whatever date of birth you want.  Pick an age, any age!  You want a summer birthday instead of a winter one, you can have that too!  The only catch is that you only have 48 hours to make corrections, otherwise you're stuck with that age.  If only I could permanently shed 20 years off my age!
Many guys will tell you in their profile that they lied about their age.  Kudos for being honest, but if I say I'm looking for a man aged 45-55 don't expect me to give you the time of day.  Not to mention you're being dishonest because the search tool works based on the date of birth appearing in your profile.  I'm not here to waste anyone's time, so please don't waste mine.  Yes there's the age old saying, "Age doesn't define you", but I know what I want and I'm not budging on this one.
Flattering when guys in their 20's and 30's write, "I'm really 27, but I prefer older more experienced women so I lied about my age so I could write to you."  Thanks for the compliment, I think?  But I don't recall writing that I offer Chivalry, Diaper Changing and Sex 101 classes in my profile.
Then there's the older guys, I love how they try to justify lying about their age.  "I may be 65, but everyone tells me I look like I'm 40."  Yeah dude, just saw your profile pictures.  So you looked 40, back when you were 40???  Unbelievable!
2. Body Type
This one is very subjective.  Hard not to laugh when you see some of the profile pictures then read what the user chose for their body type.  Athletic is probably the most frequently used, perhaps too much so!  If they only have head shots posted, chances are their body type would fall into the average or a few extra pounds category.  Others go with "prefer not to say", but it's kind of obvious when you see the pictures.  Not sure a beer belly or being very overweight classify you as being athletic.  I'm all for confidence, it's very sexy, but be realistic.  Lying on the other hand, is a turn off.  I always err on the side of caution and list myself as being average or a few extra pounds.  Better to undersell and over deliver vs. oversell and under deliver!
3. Relationship Status
This is the category where many lie.  Once again you can choose whatever you want, kind of like the age.  You might be married, but decide you're going to say single or divorced.  The system has no way of verifying the information you enter.  I specifically want someone who's single, divorced or widowed.  Sad that they choose to lie.  Sooner or later the truth always comes out so what's the point?  No doubt there may be women out there that are ok with having a relationship with a married man, I am not. 

Stay tuned for stories about my roller coaster ride of Round 34.  Have a great week!
Dateless in Ottawa

What thoughts go through your mind when you look at a profile?

What is the purpose of a profile?

After talking to a close friend and getting his take on the purpose of a profile, I had to write a post.

According to my friend, when you...no wait allow me to clarify, when a man looks at and reads a profile he's looking to answer the following 2 questions:

1. Do I see myself sleeping with that person?
2. Would I be embarrassed to be seen out in public with that person?

He confessed that he's not too concerned with what's written in the profile as most people (mainly guys) don't read them anyways.  I told him not to generalize as I do read the entire profile and it's important.

Personally I found his assessment way too harsh. I protested that he was being a typical male where everything revolves around appearance and sex. I felt angry and insulted at the same time. That's not how I want people to think when they look at my profile.  He made it sound like profiles are cuts of meat on display at the butcher's..."Wow, check out that cut it looks good, not wait that one looks even better." I put a lot of time, effort and thought into how I describe myself and choose tasteful pictures that are recent and true representations of me.  After a heated debate, I had to stop and think.  What goes through my mind when I look at a profile?  What am I looking for?  What catches my attention? I was stumped, he really made me think.

First of all, we all have preferences.  Some may be less important, others more rigid.  Personally, tall, dark and handsome has always been my thing.  Definitely prefer stocky over thin or athletic. Why?  Can't say I'm completely sure why, but being taller than average I prefer that my significant other to be taller than me.  I'm a brunette with dark eyes, does that influence my preference?  Maybe. It's not to say I wouldn't date someone blond with blue eyes or a red head with green eyes because I have, but most of the guys I've dated had dark hair and dark eyes.  I think in general I'm pretty open minded and flexible.

So what do I think when I look at a profile?

First of all, it depends on whether I'm simply searching through profiles or reading an email I received.

When establishing search criteria, the following are extremely important to me:
a) Marital status
- He must be single, divorced or widowed
b) Age
- My acceptable age range is based on my age.  A few years younger to a few years older, usually about a 10 year range.
c) Distance
- My preference would be within 25 km, but I can be somewhat flexible on this one.
d) Height
- Minimum of 5'10" would be nice.  My standards have dropped significantly because years ago my minimum acceptable height was 6'.  One has to be reasonable and adaptable or at least try?  Lol
e) Employment status
- Must be gainfully employed, retired or independently wealthy.  No I'm not a gold digger, but if I wanted another dependent, I'd have another child.
f) Non-smoker
- I can handle the occasional cigar and maybe a social smoker.
g) No substance abuse
- Whether drugs or alcohol, I'll pass. Allow me to further add gambler.
h) Own a vehicle
- A relationship is give and take so I would expect my significant other to be able to come and see me or take turns driving.  There could be exceptions due to a disability, but in general having a vehicle is my preference.  Mom's Uber service is already overextended!
i) Race/ethnic background
- Typically I'm drawn to caucasians or men with an olive complexion, but it's not to say I wouldn't date others because I have.

I don't dwell too much on religion, hair/eye colour, occupation, interests or whether they have kids. We can address these later.

When I receive an email, the first thing I do is read it.  A simple "Hi" or "Hey" isn't going to get my attention.  An honest effort that demonstrates you took the time to read my profile will score you major brownie points and get my attention.  After reading the email, I check out the profile.  I won't lie, attraction is important.  But it's important to keep in mind that not all of us are photogenic or super models, so there has to be some flexibility.  I've learned over the years that one can be very pleasantly surprised when meeting someone in person.  Yes, there has to be something that draws you to the picture, but keep an open mind.  Also remember that looks fade, one's qualities and how they treat you are far more important and last forever.

When reading a profile I try to determine whether the individual meets the majority of my criteria. Obviously shared interests are a bonus.  I'm not a fan of tattoos or piercings so they could influence me to say no thank you.  Anything rude or inappropriate will also result in a rejection.

Back to my friend's opinions:
1. Do I see myself sleeping with that person?
Maybe as a woman I'm just a bit more flowery and politically correct. I will definitely ask myself "Can I picture myself with this person?" Loosely translated does that mean the same thing?  Maybe.
2. Would I be embarrassed to be seen out in public with that person?
The questions I would ask myself are: "Do I feel an initial attraction to this person based on the picture(s)?  Could I kiss this person?"  I note a big difference here. 

At the end of the day, maybe there's some truth to what my friend said.  If you can't see yourself with someone or picture kissing them, you more than likely won't be sleeping with them.  At least I couldn't.  Would I date someone I'm not attracted to?  Probably not.  The part about being embarrassed for me is different.  If my date was loud and abnoxious, yes I would totally be embarrassed, but I won't know that until we go out.  Looks are subjective.  I might find someone attractive while others don't, this wouldn't cause me embarrassment.  It's a personal choice, not everyone has to or will like what I like.

I think this boils down to men and women verbalizing things differently.  It's probably all that "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" stuff. 

Was he right?  Maybe.  I apologized for getting so angry at him.  He was surprised by my post.  When he read it he said it sounded so crude.  It was not his intention, he was talking in basic English to get his point across.  He also loves to get my blood boiling and knows exactly what to say to get the desired effect.  Sometimes the truth hurts and we don't want to admit we're thinking the exact same thing, just packaging it differently to sound more politically correct.  Some food for thought.

What do you think?  Would love to hear your thoughts and opinions.  Please feel free to comment. Enjoy what's left of the weekend!

Dateless in Ottawa

Wow, have things ever changed! Online dating has become far worse than I expected.

I had been away from online dating for about a year and a half.  My goodness, it feels like a lifetime ago.  Anyone who's ever tried it can attest to how emotionally draining and ego shattering online dating can be, but I never could've prepared myself for how much it has changed.  Things have gotten much worse.  I don't know what it is.  What is up with humanity? 

OMG, less than 48 hours on the site and this is what I experienced:
1. 3 crotch shots!  This is a new record and an all time low for men.
Are guys for real?  I'm sorry, but not the least bit sexy or attractive in my opinion.  Obnoxious, inappropriate, lacking class, politically incorrect...these are just a few of the adjectives that come to mind.  Why, after exchanging a couple of emails do guys suddenly feel it's appropriate to send a picture of their penis?  Guys, I mean boys, please keep it in your pants.  By the way boys, you might not be as well endowed as you think you are, so spare yourself some embarrassment along with a strong dose of rejection!  Do you really believe women like these?  To each his own I suppose.  I haven't even met you in person to determine whether any attraction or chemistry exists, I can assure you we definitely won't be meeting now because it's painfully obvious you're only looking for one thing.

2. Inappropriate usernames, emails and profiles, too many to count!
a) By simply reading usernames, you can quickly identify who's just looking for sex.  Could you be any more blatantly obvious with usernames like "Bigandblack4u" or "Wellhungmale"?  I'll stop there.
b) Who sends an introductory email that says, "Yummy!" or "Yo" or "Mmmmm"? Excuse my language, but WTF???
Time to go back to school boys and relearn English grammar, spelling and how to properly construct a greeting and/or introductory email.  God forbid I ask you to write an entire paragraph, as it seems that would be well beyond most of these boys' capabilities. Yes, I'll refer to these guys as boys because the term gentlemen absolutely does not apply.  I would expect a man to behave with a bit more class and maturity.
Then there's the emails asking what my sexual fetishes, preferences and favourite positions are?  So much for addressing the basics first like name, occupation, where you live and what your background is.  Can we meet to see if there's any potential first and then maybe if we hit it off, explore the topic of sex?  What happened to having a bit of mystery and intrigue?  Are surprises now out of fashion?  I totally get that if the physical aspect of a relationship is extremely important to you, it's good to make that known to a potential partner to ensure you're both on the same page, but there are more classy, politically correct and/or subtle ways of doing that. 
c) Profiles can be very scary.  As if I'll respond to an email that simply says, "Yummy" attached to a profile that says:  "I taste amazing!"  So much for sites claiming you must have a minimum number of characters in your profile.  Not sure how he got away with this one.  Are you kidding me?  I'm beyond shocked.  And most of this coming from boys in their 50's.  Are they going through another mid-life crisis?  Perhaps it's a form of male menopause?  OMG it's an epidemic of unmeasurable proportions!  I guess the generalization that men never grow up has some truth it, not to mention they just seem to get worse as they age.  Sad that my teenage son behaves with more class and decorum than these morons. 
What about a profile that goes on and on about his last girlfriend, how sexy she was and how much he loved her.  Unfortunately she grew tired of the love, but loved his cooking so he regularly makes house calls to deliver food???  WTF really?  Like food is all he's delivering and he has to make that known to all who read his profile.  Oh, I'm dying to meet you dude....NOT!
Then there's the one that goes into an elaborate explanation about the differences between nipple skin and elbow skin?  Excuse me?  I thought I was reading a profile not a weird medical journal or opinion piece.  I was speechless.  What does one say to that?  Not to mention I can't quite figure out how that is suppose to attract women?  Did I miss something?
And these guys wonder why they're single.  OMG get a grip!  Go read your profile, better yet, ask a few friends or co-workers to read it and provide feedback.  Highly unlikely they'll give you a thumbs up.

3. Pictures
Once again, what's up with the married guys sporting their wedding rings?  Unreal, talk about bad liars.  Their profiles claim they are single or divorced, but there they are showing off their shiny gold wedding band in not one or two, but most if not all of their profile pics!  Wait let me guess, you have no other pictures of yourself?  In this day and age that's the lamest excuse anyone can come up with.  Take a selfie, similar to the ones you took wearing your wedding band while standing in front of a mirror in the bathroom!  By the way most mobile devices have a feature that allows you to turn the camera around so you don't have to stand in front of a mirror.  Just saying, maybe you should read the owner's manual.  Better yet, ask a friend or family member to take a picture of you.  It's truly not that difficult.  If you're too embarrassed to ask a friend, pretend you're a tourist and ask a stranger or server to take a picture while you're out and about. 
Oh wait, it gets better.  The infamous bathroom selfies while standing half-naked!  Some even in a public washroom!  Boys grow up and put some clothes on!  Gross, a picture with a toilet or urinal in the background.  Do boys really believe these pictures are sexy and appealing?  Think again, NOT!  If you must do the bathroom selfie thing, do it at home.  BUT please, please, please make sure your bathroom is clean and the toilet seat is down in case you forgot to flush.  Unbelievable!!!  This should go without saying.  Is common sense that lacking these days?  Bad enough you can't write, I strongly recommend you look at your pictures closely before you post them online.

When in doubt boys, here's a simple rule of thumb for you - if you wouldn't show the picture to your Mother, don't post it on your profile or send it by email!  If you wouldn't say it to your Mother, don't say it to a woman or anyone else for that matter.  Better to err on the side of caution.  If you wouldn't ask your Mom a certain question, don't ask a virtual stranger who you're hoping to date.    Once in a relationship or at least dating and somewhat comfortable, then ask your questions and get more racy.  Until then, mind your manners!

My online dating experience to date is extremely discouraging this time around.  I'm actually quite terrified. Very hard to remain positive when after barely being on the site for 2 days you encounter all of the above and then some.  Can anyone tell me what normal is?  I'm so confused, maybe it's me?  Have things changed so drastically that I'm completely out of touch with reality?  It's not like I've been in a comma for 20 years!

Oh well, I'm persistent and don't give up easily.  I'll ride the waves while holding onto the hope that there are still some nice, honest and normal people out there.  The world would be a very sad place if they didn't exist.  They are rare and in the minority, hence hard to find.  Wish me luck, this time I have no doubt I'm most definitely going to need it!

God help all of us single people looking for love!  Maybe I need a time machine to take me back 20 years when life was less complicated!  Good luck!!!

Dateless in Ottawa