We need to be realistic and set attainable expectations. If you happen to find someone that exceeds them, BONUS! Chances are that will be rare and fall outside of the norm. Don't expect from others what you are not capable of yourself!
First of all for those that don't know what a deal breaker is, read the definitions below. I was surprised that in most cases, definitions of a deal breaker are related to a business deal or politics. Interesting that we now seem to treat relationships like a business negotiation or a merger. Very similar to baggage which used to be luggage to pack your belongings into when you travelled!
deal-break·er
noun
2. A deal breaker is a trait or characteristic that a particular individual cannot overlook and
ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.
"The deal breaker was that he was married with kids and I don't condone adultery."
The variety of deal breakers is endless. They also have different categories. Long term, short term, dating, relationship and of course men vs. women. Amazing what you learn when you do some research. I need to sit down and re-examine my list! ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.
"The deal breaker was that he was married with kids and I don't condone adultery."
After reviewing my list and asking friends, these seemed to come up the most often:
Any addictive habits: smoking, gambling, drinking, drugs, gaming
Lacking good personal hygiene
Height
Marital status
Religion
Body type
Age
Religion
Body type
Age
Bad sex
Kids
Debt
Being unemployed
Distance
These got my attention after doing some research to see what relationship experts had to say:
Abusive
Never on time/unrealiable
Disrespectful
Trash talks ex and others
Negative attitude
Grooms too much or not enough
Won't introduce you to friends or family
Doesn't have friends
Being cheap
Controlling/Manipulative
Isolating
Lacks motivation/ambition
Unfaithful
Dishonest
After my wonderful adventures with online dating, here are some deal breakers I've come across in men's profiles:
1. Hair colour - I'm still amazed at how many guys prefer blonds. I met a couple that seemed shocked when I arrived. "You're not blond!" Nope, never have been. Not sure what pictures they were looking at. My hair is dark brown and in the summer maybe more chestnut or auburn, but definitely not blond.
Why hair colour would be that important, who knows. Blond, brunette, red head? A colour is a colour.
Why hair colour would be that important, who knows. Blond, brunette, red head? A colour is a colour.
2. Race/religion - I've always referred to these as preferences, but I can totally understand how for some these would be deal breakers.
3. Height - I will admit I can be bad when it comes to height too, but again I see it more as my personal preference given the fact that I am taller than average for a woman. Men and women both seem to feel height is a deal breaker, perhaps more women than men.
4. Size/weight (including bra size!) - I've run into a few profiles where men have detailed what waist, chest and hip size a woman must have to contact them. Another guy was very specific about bra size. Maybe women should detail penis size!
Once again for me it's about personal preference. A skinny person is no better or worse than someone with a few extra pounds. To each his own. I'd rather remain flexible on this one because you never know.
5. Kids - A very challenging one indeed. For many in our 40's we have kids so we need to be realistic. For those without kids or with grown children I can see how this would be a deal breaker.
6. Profession - For me as long as the individual is working and they like what they do, I don't care what their profession is. With 4 children I'm not looking for another dependent. In profiles I've seen lists of acceptable professions an individual will consider, just a tad superficial if you ask me.
7. Owning a car as well as the make and model - For me I think owning a car gives one an added amount of flexibility to get around and travel, but they are not for everyone. Some can't drive due to health limitations so I wouldn't hold it against them. As long as a person is willing to meet you half way and make an effort, this is what should matter most.
You can quickly tell how shallow a person is when in their profile they demand you provide a picture, the year, make and model of your vehicle. Are you kidding me?
8. Being unemployed - I'm all over this one. Exceptions would include someone who is retired, on disability or independently wealthy. Otherwise if I wanted another dependent, I'd have a baby.
9. Low sex drive/bad sex - I totally get this one too. The physical aspect of a relationship is equally important to the emotional, at least it is for me. I read a study online about sex and it claimed that women focus more on quality and have higher standards, whereas men are more interested in quantity. Both sexes agreed that bad sex was a deal breaker. Are you surprised? Lol
10. Fetishes - Surprising how many fetishes there are out there. Hey, live and let live. A tad unexpected when you get an email detailing explicitly what you would be expected to do/perform. Not for me, but whatever. If that's what you "have to have" then I guess it qualifies as a deal breaker.
11. Debt - I guess the question here is how much debt? Many have a car payment, mortgage/rent, utilities, credit cards or a combination there of. For me an overwhelming debt due to mismanaging finances or living way above ones means is definitely a deal breaker. I'm not interested in assuming someone else's debts or having to sacrifice due to someone else's bad financial decisions. If you're managing your debt responsibly and living comfortably, it should be a non-issue.
12. Owning a house - Certainly a nice thing to have, but by the same token a mortgage is a huge debt with a long term commitment. Some aren't interested in a person that doesn't own a house, not sure this should qualify as a deal breaker. I think having a home is far more important and yes there is a difference.
13. Age - I have to laugh when you read the profile of a guy over 50 and his acceptable age range is 20-35. Can you say "arm candy?" To each his/her own. For the most part, age is simply a number and it shouldn't be used to define us.
13. Age - I have to laugh when you read the profile of a guy over 50 and his acceptable age range is 20-35. Can you say "arm candy?" To each his/her own. For the most part, age is simply a number and it shouldn't be used to define us.
14. Wealth - Inappropriate and sad when potential suitors want to know how much money you make and how much money you have along with a comprehensive list of assets. I think this would be called a "gold digger?" Unfortunate that some are still blinded by the thought that money buys everything ~ happiness and love included.
I'll have to revisit all of the above and do some more research before I draft my new list. Always interesting to view things from different perspectives. I think it's important to keep an open mind otherwise you might exclude someone that could be a great match.
One deal breaker I absolutely have to add is teeth. After Mr. Nurse, it was confirmed and this one will remain on my list. I'll further add that bad breath is a killer. I take pride in making sure I look and smell as good as possible, so should everyone else.
Your comments are always welcome.
Dateless in Ottawa
One deal breaker I absolutely have to add is teeth. After Mr. Nurse, it was confirmed and this one will remain on my list. I'll further add that bad breath is a killer. I take pride in making sure I look and smell as good as possible, so should everyone else.
Your comments are always welcome.
Dateless in Ottawa
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