Why do men have such a hard time being honest and communicating? No doubt women using online dating are equally guilty of this based on comments from my guy friends, but I'll focus on my experiences with men.
Funny how some men can email and text until the cows come home, especially if you're talking about sex, but try to get them to meet and OMG you'd think you asked them to donate one of their testicles. Isn't the whole point of online dating to get out and meet people? You know....date??? Online dating sites should add another category - pen pal. There are guys that write endlessly. What's up with that? It's obvious they have absolutely no intention of meeting, usually you can't even get them to talk on the phone. The best is when they seem all excited and make suggestions, only to cancel at the last minute. Watch for these signs. Every time you suggest meeting or try to make plans, they come up with an excuse. Incredible how often men have a headache, are suddenly sick, have to work or forgot a relative's birthday. So much for headaches being a female problem. If you don't intend to get out and meet people, you shouldn't be on an online dating site. Funny that these are the same guys that go on about people wasting their time and not knowing what they want. Really? Give your head a shake and go look in a mirror. The person staring back at you, he's the one guilty of wasting people's time.
Then there's the others who you're finally able to meet, everything seems to go well, you go out again, talk on the phone, keep texting and then POOF! The guy pulls a Houdini and vanishes into thin air. No explanation, no good bye. You're left hanging wondering WTF? It's hard not to develop an emotional attachment when you've been corresponding and seeing someone for several weeks. We're human, it's normal. But when the person suddenly disappears, they stop responding to emails and texts and don't answer their phone of course you're going to worry and assume the worst. Initially you hold out hope that something happened or they're busy and will get back to you eventually, but after a while reality sinks in. It becomes painfully obvious they won't be responding. Some guys go to the extreme of deleting their profile and cancelling their cell phone. Sadly weeks later they reappear with an entirely new profile, but the same pictures. You become angry, question whether you did or said something wrong. Did you misread the body language? You seemed to be getting closer and were making plans weeks in advance. Often times he was the one that initiated and suggested going out. What changed so abruptly? There seemed to be a connection, things were progressing. It was obvious there was an attraction or so I thought. You're left hanging. These ones really hurt.
I get it, sometimes it's hard to be honest. Easier to run, hide and avoid confrontation in case the other person demands answers or gets upset. We don't always have an answer for the "why" question. Nothing worse than having to deliver bad news to another person, but dammit we're adults. As difficult and awkward as it can be, honesty is the best way to go. If you can't be a man and do it in person, take the cowardly route and at the very least send an email or a text. Personally I don't want to waste anyone's time and I don't want them to waste mine either. Life is too short and we're all busy with our responsibilities to behave worse than a child in kindergarten who seems to change boyfriends daily when he doesn't share the toy she wants. Why is there such a blatant lack of respect and consideration? If you don't like someone, say so. If you meet someone else you like better, so be it. Maybe you thought this was what you wanted, but suddenly it isn't working for you. We're human and allowed to change our minds. It's ok, not the end of the world. Don't string a person along and mislead them, that's far more cruel.
When you meet someone who's genuinely nice, but you simply don't feel any chemistry it can be all the more difficult to break the bad news that you're just not into them. Shouldn't be a big deal if it's only your first date. Usually one date is all you need to determine whether or not there's chemistry and/or relationship potential. You may go out again just to be sure, but if you're still not feeling it bow out gracefully. I've been on the receiving end many times, but I'll tell you I have far more respect for a man that can be honest with me. Can't say I've ever enjoyed being the bearer of bad news, but I didn't feel I had a choice. No point in dragging things out or pretending that I felt something that I didn't. For instance I can't be intimate with someone I don't feel an attraction to or chemistry. I'm sure many can, but not me. I've met some really nice guys that I could talk to and laugh with for hours, but I knew there was no relationship potential even if we did have many things in common. My gut instinct is usually fairly accurate. Being open to a friendship is a possibility, but not always possible depending on how the other person feels.
Dating is like trial and error. You don't know if you don't try. Until you actually meet in person, there is no way to determine whether physical attraction and chemistry exists. A picture gets your attention, but will he even look like it in person? No matter how strong a connection you seem to have via email, texting or talking on the phone, that connection may not translate when you meet in person.
Why do people, men in this case, find it so much easier to lie? Many are married, yet they state on their profile they are single or divorced. The truth always comes out, why live a lie? How do they manage to keep track of what they've said to who? It becomes a full-time job keeping track of all the lies and stories. I love the separated category, from my experience it means very married just looking to fool around on the side. Then there's those that claim to be looking for a serious relationship, sure you mean jumping from bed to bed like it's a marathon because you're going through a mid-life crisis?
Make your intentions clear. Online dating sites have thousands if not millions of potential candidates all with different preferences and needs so there will be someone out there for you. To each his own, no doubt there are women out there that don't have an issue being with a married man. If you just want sex, say so I'm sure you'll find some takers. Just be honest, you might not know exactly what you want. Things might be great one minute and then you change your mind, that's ok just be honest. Communication is the key.
At the end of the day, all I can say is --- Please, please, please be honest. Don't inflict unnecessary pain on another who is being kind, caring and honest. Yes, amazingly enough in this cold disposable world we live in there still are some nice, honest people left. Be considerate.
Remember that time is the greatest gift another person can give you because it's something you can never get back. Stop being selfish and don't waste their time. Release them and let them go find the happiness they deserve. That should be your goal too.
Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
