Kids

Nothing is more insulting or irritating to me, then to have someone refer to my children as being "baggage."  I get it, children are not for everyone.  They are a huge responsibility.  Being a parent is probably the most difficult and demanding job I've ever had, but by the same token the most rewarding.  When asked what my greatest accomplishment to date is, the answer without hesitation is my children.  Having 4 children I can see how this might be daunting for some men, but not all children are the same nor are all women. 

As RogerParkGuy said: "They cannot punish current partners for the sins of past partners"

It's not fair to assume all kids are brats.  From my experience I also find society and men paint or stereotype single mothers as being desperate, looking for a man to swoop in to rescue her and her children while assuming all the bills and responsibilities.  Even my late husband's family thought this until they got to know me.  No doubt there are some women like this out there, but we're not all the same.  Personally I don't need a knight in shining armor to ride in and rescue us.  If anything a few guys I've dated had an issue with the fact that I made more than they did and had my shit together! 

Let's not forget the age old saying, "To assume is to make an ass out of you and me!"  Years ago when women stayed at home and didn't work, this might have been the case.  These days women have careers and greater independence.  I have several friends and a cousin that decided they wanted children, but didn't want to be in a relationship so off to the sperm bank they went.  Women don't need to depend on men the way they used to.  The times of my parents and grandparents are long gone.

Not uncommon for many of us single parents to have dated other single parents.  Eventually if things progress you meet the children.  That's when you see the differences between yours and theirs.  A colleague once told me, "Our kids' birthday parties is where we learn to appreciate our kids more once we see how badly behaved other peoples' kids are.  It also makes us realize the importance of teaching our kids respect and manners so they don't drive other people crazy or embarrass us in public."  So true!

Personally even thought I love kids and might be crazy enough to have another one, I'm not sure I want a partner with children.  There are arguments for and against.  They would better understand the responsibilities that come with being a parent; the kids' sporting activity schedules may conflict making it hard to spend time together; nice to have a back up to share the load; different rules make it hard to maintain consistency; visitation/custody schedules can conflict, etc.  It's hard.  On the other hand, a partner that has never had children would probably have a harder time adapting to the demands of being a step-parent.  It can be overwhelming on the best of days for a parent, imagine what it would feel like for someone who's never been exposed to it!

Growing up my parents were extremely strict.  Respect, for yourself and others was huge in our home.  Mom and Dad only had to look at us and we knew.  When asked to do things, you didn't question it - you got it done and fast.  None of this, "Yeah, I'll do it later" or "I don't feel like it" or "That's not fair, I did it yesterday!"  For years I complained that my parents were way too strict compared to those of my friends.  I said I'd never in a million years be like them.  Surprise, surprise,  I'm just like them.  Perhaps slightly more flexible and modern, but strict none the less.  I'll tell you it pays off.  My children are great students, extremely well behaved and I can take them anywhere.  Since birth they went to restaurants, parties and travelled just like my parents did with us.  Sure they have their moments like all of us, but I've never had any major issues.  I have friends say they stop inviting certain people over because their kids are so badly behaved, I've had to do this too.  Family, friends and even strangers compliment me on how well behaved my children are. 
 
I remember a flight we took to Vancouver.  I was travelling alone with my 3 oldest kids.  At the time my youngest was only a year old.  As I walked on the plane many of the passengers looked annoyed and rolled their eyes.  I could just read their minds, "Great, this is going to be a flight from hell will those 3 little brats."  An older gentleman complained immediately and insisted he had to be moved.  He refused to sit "near those kids."  I was very insulted.  During the flight, no one heard a peep out of my kids.  The airline attendants seemed surprised too.  They kept bringing them cookies and ice-cream from 1st class.  Everyone was stunned, like they'd never seen well behaved children before.  At the end of the flight, the older gentleman that had complained and was moved to the rear of the plane, waited for me and the kids to get off. 

Him: "Dear, I must apologize for my behaviour and applaud you for having such amazing children.  I'm sorry I was so rude to assume it was going to be a flight from hell.  I wish all parents understood the value of discipline.  I'd like to give you a little something."

Me: "That's not necessary."

He pulled money out of his pocket and gave some to each of the kids. 

Him: "Hi guys, you were so good you deserve a treat.  Mommy will take you to the store so you can pick something.  Mom, here's something for the wee one, get her something too.  You're great kids, always listen to your Mom.  Have a great visit." 

Me and the children: "Thank you very much, have a great day!"

I've never forgotten that day, it was the greatest compliment a Mom could get.  Over the years my friends have fought over who's going to watch them and as they get older even more so!  My two oldest are great cooks.  It's such a treat to come home and dinner is ready.  Last year my son made the best roast leg of lamb ever!  They never cease to amaze me and I encourage them to test their limits and learn new things.  Lord knows they test me too!  I've climbed a 100 foot fire tower and raced down water slides.  They enjoy daring their Mom to do things and are often surprised I'm up for the challenge.  It feels great when I manage to pull it off so I can rub it in their face.  Mom might be older, but she can still hold her own even if she winds up black and blue and sore for days!  Lol

Recently I was thrilled to learn that my son's friends think I'm cool.  I went from being called N----'s Mom to my first name.  It's like I'm one of the gang.  They prefer when I drive them and pick them up, probably because they like my truck!  Lol  Whatever the reason I'll take it as I'm sure that will change soon.

As it relates to other people's kids.  Nothing irritates me more than being around spoiled brats.  A child that is rude, yelling and out of control is beyond annoying.  Yes, they have bad days too, but when it's their "normal" I'll pass.  Times have really changed.  Kids don't behave the way we did when we were young.  I find there's less discipline and respect, even at school.  Sometimes I wonder who the parent is, when the children seem to be calling all the shots.  Combining two families is not easy.  Everyone has different thoughts on morals, values and discipline.  Household routines also vary extensively.  If both of you are not on the same page, chances are it won't work.  Add an ex to the mix and it can become even more complex.  When two people care about each other, nothing is impossible.  The sky is the limit, but there has to be give and take with both partners willing to make  compromises.  Adults should know full well that nothing in life is easy.  Where there's a will, there's a way!

In relationships, partners have to further understand that our children will always come first.  It's reality.  Blood is thicker than water - within reason of course.  As the children get older and go off on their own, the dynamic changes.  Another item of note, if our children or partner are not accepting of each other, it's often a deal breaker.  Who wants to live in a war zone constantly stuck in the middle trying to keep the peace, while acting as a referee and mending fences?  Life is too short to be miserable.

Good luck to all!

Dateless in Ottawa