More on profile pictures!

Let's pick up where I left off.

10. Old pictures
I want to see what you look like now, not 5, 10, 15 or even worse, 20 years ago!  As cute as childhood photos are, you have to post a recent picture too.  How you looked years ago or 50-100 pounds ago is now irrelevant.  Yes, we all want to look our best and maybe the picture from our high school graduation is our favorite, but you're setting an expectation.  The biggest complaint I have and that I've heard from friends is that people don't look at all like their profile picture when you meet them in person.  It's a huge let down and if you lied about your appearance, what else are you lying about?  Not a good way to start and chances are it will be your first and last date!  You only have one chance to make a good first impression, don't blow it.  Better to under sell and over deliver.

My moto is, honesty is the best policy.  If you can't be honest, don't waste other people's time!

11. Pictures of others!
Why would you use your cousin's picture or download one from Google Images?  Seriously?  Then you wonder why I'm royally pissed.  Yeah, great you recognize me when you show up for the date, but I have no clue who you are and wonder if you've mistaken me for someone else. 

Great excuses on this one:
- "I didn't think women would find me attractive, my cousin is better looking."  Sure and you forgot that eventually I'd be meeting you and wonder why you don't look anything like the picture?  Again, what else are you lying about? 
- "It doesn't matter, it's what's inside that counts."  Agreed, but you still lied and now I don't trust you.  Lying makes you far less attractive in my eyes, I think many would agree.

12.  Pictures with weird effects and colours
A+ for creativity, but again, I want to see what you actually look like.  As cool as it may look, when you only have one picture on your profile, seeing a rainbow of colours and a contorted image of you is not appealing.  My picture is the real deal, yours should be too.  As long as at least one of your images is of how you look now, go nuts with the other pictures you can post. 

13. Wearing a speedo and wardrobe malfunctions
Speedos should be outlawed, especially when they are white and see through.  Just as bad as the crotch shots in my books! 

Before posting a picture online, double check it for a wardrobe malfunction.  The whole online dating world doesn't need to see you're going commando.  Make sure the fly is up!  Try to maintain a certain level of decency and some mystery, don't give it all away. 

The speedo is bad enough, but it's far worse when in the picture you can blatantly see there's a big wet spot on your pants around the crotch.  I don't even want to know what it is.  How did you not see that?  Gross!

Ok, I think that's enough on pictures.  I'll pick another subject for my next post. 

Thanks for reading!

Dateless in Ottawa

Let's talk about profile pictures

When you've been using online dating sites for a while, you slowly start to notice things and weed out some of the players.  Pictures are a great way to learn about an individual without even reading their profile. 

With technology today, it's getting easier to identify pictures that are old or have been edited.  I've developed numerous pet peeves.  Here's some advice for those considering creating a profile on an online dating site. 

For some this may come across harsh, but sadly these are things I've seen and continue to see on men's profiles.  I don't doubt women can be just as bad, but I can only speak to my experiences.  Sometimes I'm tempted to download their pics and use them as examples of "What not to do."  Hey, great idea for an online tutorial series.  I'll have to think about that one, oh the possibilities are endless!  Lol

1. What's up with bathroom selfies?
Seriously?  You can't take a picture anywhere else?  Do you really think it's pleasant to see a urinal or toilet in the background?  And in a public washroom, even worse!  One guy took a selfie in a family washroom with a baby change table and diaper genie in the background.  I recognized it from the mall.  So what, he snuck in there to take his picture?  He didn't have little kids so a bit odd, maybe even creepy in my opinion.

A picture in the mirror with you holding a phone or camera, really impressive!  Can you not ask a friend, co-worker or worst case a stranger to take your picture?  Surely you must have friends.  You can easily pretend to be a tourist, be creative!  By the way, iPhones and most androids allow you to take a selfie without having to stand in front of a mirror, maybe you need to read the manual.  Just sayin.  Heck even with the old style film cameras, I remember taking selfies with friends and we didn't have to stand in front of a mirror.  Technology is there, let's use it.

2. Sunglasses
Bad enough you take a selfie in a washroom mirror, but you have to wear sunglasses too?  It's not that sunny indoors.  Then again, maybe you're embarrassed and trying to remain anonymous.  If you think it makes you look more appealing or cool, think again. 

Now, if you're out at the beach or down south on vacation, I totally get the sunglasses.  That works! But we still need to see what your face looks like.  Personally I find eyes very attractive.  It's a feature that really stands out when you look at someone's face.

3. Wedding rings
Are you kidding me?  You have a profile up on a singles dating site and in all of your pictures you're wearing a wedding ring?  Unbelieveable.  I've heard all the excuses:
- "I was engaged at the time."
- "It's the only good picture I have of myself."  Yeah and this guy had 5 pics on his profile with his wedding ring on.  Great, he can't count either!  Very appealing...not!
- "It's a school ring."  Just like Mr. Law Enforcement Officer.
- "It's just a ring I like to wear."
- "I've had that ring forever, it's an initial ring."
- "I'm not officially divorced yet."  Well maybe you shouldn't be on a singles dating site???

Save it, I ain't buying what you're trying to sell.  Be a man and tell the truth.  Once again with all the advances in technology, guess what?  You can crop the ring out of the photo!  Imagine that. 

4. Clothes, can you please leave them on?
Are nude shots really necessary?  Much more appealing when you leave something to the imagination.  Please put some clothes on.  So picture this, you have a guy taking a selfie in a public washroom, with a urinal in the background, wearing sunglasses and no clothes on!  A+ for taking risks, imagine having to explain yourself to another guy walking in on you.  What a combination!  Trust me, when you combine all the "what not to dos" into the same picture, the result is an epic fail!

Even worse, what's up with the crotch shots?  I can't speak for other women, but I find it disgusting and a major turn off.  I don't know you and we haven't even met, please spare me.  When you're in a relationship go nuts and have fun, but what impression are you giving when you send a crotch shot to a stranger or post it for all to see on an online dating site no less? 

Let's not forget about technology and cyber space.  The minute you hit send, you don't know where that crotch shot is going to end up.  Many guys will even send them from their cell phone!  Brilliant, try explaining that one to your boss when you've done it using your government device!  Not fun.  Right up there with openning an Ashley Madison account using your government email address.  One day it could surface and bite you in the ass costing you a promotion, your career or negatively impacting your reputation.  Show a little respect and self-respect too!

5. Pictures with other women
Do men honestly think a woman seeking a relationship is going to find it appealing to see you with a bunch of women hanging off of you?  You're on a site looking for a woman, yet in all your pictures your surrounded by women.  Even worse when they're half naked or you're making out with them.  I don't get it.  Completely different when they are shots of a group of guys and girls together. 
I know what you're thinking:
- "They're just friends."  There are friends and then there are friends.  Not sure you should have a profile picture of yourself with your tongue down your friend's throat.  Kind of gives the impression you already have someone or perhaps you're a player???  Blatantly obvious to me, but maybe not to others.
- "I was having fun."  Obviously!  Life is about having fun, but how appealing is it to a man to see similar images with a woman all over men when she claims to be looking for a soul mate? 
- "Just out on a bender with friends."  Oh, so this is what you'll be doing when you go out with the guys?  That instills a lot of trust...not.  And of course you had no other picture you could use right?  Hey, you could always go into a washroom and take a selfie!  Lol

6. Pictures with animals
This category is pretty similar to the pictures with women.  Don't get me wrong, I love animals, but there's something very unappealing about looking at a picture of a guy kissing his dog or cat on the mouth.  Also sad when under interests all they have listed is "playing with my animal(s)."  Enough said.

7. Interesting backgrounds
The bathroom urinals and toilets are bad enough.  Have I successfully conveyed my strong dislike of bathroom selfies?  Well now let's further add garbage, dirty laundry, a filthy kitchen with dirty dishes and glasses all over and/or countless empties strewn all over the counter and floor.  A pig sty is even more appealing!  Oh my goodness, how easy it is to go from bad to worse with minimal effort.  Try exercising a little bit more pride and self-respect. 

8. Wedding pictures
And no, I don't mean your best friend's wedding when you were the best man.  One guy actually used his own wedding pictures!!!  OMG, give your head a shake!  Just when you think you've seen and heard it all.  I don't think I need to elaborate any further on this one.

9. Injuries
No, I don't want to see you all bloody and broken or throwing up.   Some claim it's good to see someone at their worst, but please spare me the gory pictures of your wounds.  How would men like it if women posted pictures of themselves giving birth?  Trust me, it ain't pretty.  Neither is your torn open leg, busted arm or huge gash on your face.  You're supposed to be marketing yourself in a positive light, not causing women to go running to find a toilet to puke.

Is this supposed to make you look tough and sexy?  Good luck!  Unless of course it's a nurse you're looking for, actually that would make more sense.  Hey, can we petition to have a new category added? 

I have more, but I'll continue on my next post.  Sweet dreams everyone!

Dateless in Ottawa

On to Round 8??? I'm almost afraid of what's in store for me.

Ok, so Match.com was Round 6 and eHarmony was Round 7.  Oh my, already on Round 8!

As hard as it was, I told myself to remain positive and not take anything personally.  Approach things with a sense of humour and don't have any expectations.  I unhid my profile and the emails started to come in slowly.

25. Mr. BDSM
This guy was the same age as me.  Blond, tall and worked as a travelling stage engineer.  That was an unusual title.  I asked him what he did and was surprised at his response.  It was really cool, he travelled setting up the stages and lighting for acts like the Rolling Stones.  Whether this was true or not, who knows but given all the details he provided it sounded legitimate.  We emailed for a bit.  The BDSM was in his profile, but I had no clue what it meant. I worked in government which is an acronym jungle so whatever.  Later I learned this could have been a big mistake.  I was still a bit too naïve for my own good. 

He invited me for breakfast.  He didn't look quite like his picture, but I was used to this and not overly surprised.  We ordered our food and talked about our jobs.  He'd never been married and had no kids.  He said he was having a hard time finding someone he was compatible with.  Weren't we all!

The food came and we ate.  All of sudden, he took a thick black dog collar out of his pocket and put it on the table.  It was quite nice with rhine stones, it would have looked great on a Doberman or Rottweiler.

Me: "Wow, that's really nice.  Do you have a dog?"

Him: "Put it on."

Me: "What?"

Him: "Put it on."

Me: "You're funny.  What kind of dog do you have?"

Him: "I'm serious, put it on."

Me: "No, not happening.  I don't see a dog, do you see a dog?"

Him: "I'm serious, I told you to put it on."

He was starting to raise his voice and was getting very frustrated with my refusals.  Other tables were looking at us.  The waitress came over to ask if everything was ok.  I said everything was fine.

Me: "I'm not putting it on.  If you want someone to wear it, you put it on."

Him: "That's not the way it works.  You have to do what I tell you, when I tell you.  I'm the dominant and you take your orders from me.  See this is the problem I have with women, they don't listen."

Me: "Well, A------ sorry to disappoint you, but I don't take orders from anyone.  This is ridiculous, you ask someone you're meeting for the first time to put on a dog collar?  Are you for real?"

Him: "My profile clearly states I'm BDSM."

Me: "Good for you, to each his own.  I'm all for being playful with my partner and having fun, but this is going a bit overboard.  You're a stranger and we're in a public place." 

Him: "This isn't going to work.  You need to obey me."

Me: "Unfortunately, I am not for you.  Thanks for breakfast and best of luck with your search."

I called my best friend when I got home and told her what happened.  She hung up on me and showed up at my door.  We went onto my computer and she pulled up BDSM.  OMG!!!  So not what I expected.  Definitely not a government acronym!  She lectured me for what seemed to be hours.  In future she was going to check out the profiles before I went out to meet anyone and if needed, follow me.  These guys were getting more and more odd and she was very worried about me.

26. Mr. Dominant
I guess I was on a roll after the BDSM incident.  This guy had a great profile.  He was tall, dark and handsome, but a bit older.  He was divorced and had older kids with visitation.  The email started off fine, then turned into a quest for a submissive and a detailed explanation of what his expectations were and what my duties would be.

I could not contain my laugher.  My response went something like this:

"Dear F---------, 
Thanks for your email.  Unfortunately I have no interest or desire to be anyone's submissive.  Due to experiences with men from your school of thought, I have become far too independent and outspoken.  As far as I am concerned, men should bow down to my commands.  Best of luck with your search."

27. The Cyclist
He was divorced with 2 children.  Had an insurance company and was very athletic.  He looked  Scandinavian with blond hair, light eyes and very tall.  Not my usual preference.  I gravitated more towards dark hair, but he sent a great introductory email.  We communicated back and forth for a bit then he wanted to meet for lunch.  Lunch went really well.  We went out a few times after that. 

There was always lots to talk about, but he was hard to get a hold of.  He was fun and exciting.  I asked him a few times how long he'd been single, but he would change the subject.  He was an avid cyclist.  He was part of a club and on weekends they cycled to Kingston and other cities.  He was self-employed, but tended to want to meet during the day which was hard for me since I worked regular hours. 

One thing led to another and we finally slept together.  We clicked and enjoyed each other's company.  We'd see each other when we could.  One weekend we were supposed to go out to dinner. At the last minute he called to say he had a business dinner so he'd come over afterwards.  He showed up at 11:00 pm and I was not impressed.  He tried to make it up to me when his cell phone rang. 

It was a woman and she was screaming.  It didn't take long for me to figure out who was calling.  It was his wife!  She was yelling and asking him where the hell he was.  They were leaving for the east coast in the morning and there was still packing to be done.  The colour drained from his face.  There was no way he was going to be able to lie his way out of this one.  Now everything made sense.  Only wanting to meet during the day, rarely available on weekends, last minute plans.....

OMG, I felt so used and so stupid.   

Me: "Just leave and forget you ever met me.  You need to get home to your wife and kids."

Him: "Don't be like that.  I really do like you.  We can keep having fun.  My wife and I don't have sex anymore it's over, but I'm not going to lose everything I've worked for."

Me: "Get out!" 

28. The Italian Stud
I received an email and recognized the guy in the picture.  He'd gone to school with my sister.  I thought maybe he had recognized me and was writing to say hello.  Last I had heard, he was married with kids.

He was a good looking guy and popular in school.  I wasn't prepared for the surprise awaiting me in the email.  Apparently he'd always liked me, but married an Italian to please his parents.  He wanted to get together and have fun because his marriage wasn't working out.

What?  Another married one, unbelievable.  At least I had to give this guy credit, he was being brutally honest.  I said no thanks.  Sadly I also knew his wife and I felt sorry for her.  He begged me not to say anything to anyone we knew.  I told him he should think twice before soliciting sex from someone who knows his family and has mutual friends, not very smart. 

I'm shocked at how many married men are on these sites.  What is even more shocking is how bad they are at lying.  Simply rephrase a question and all of sudden you get a completely different answer and eventually, they screw up and the truth comes out.  Within a short period of time, I came across 11 of these lying assholes.  Funny how when the wives find out their husband is cheating, they blame the other woman and accuse her of being a home wrecker.  Really???  The fact that your husband has  a profile on a singles online dating site, lies about being divorced and probably sleeps around with several different women while leading them on doesn't seem to factor into the equation.  We wouldn't want to cloud the issue with facts, now would we? 

There were more emails with men looking for hook ups.  What part of long-term did they not understand?  Oh well, time to change my profile again.  Maybe I needed to be more of a bitch to get my point across.  Being nice, funny and honest wasn't working so why not.  Stay tuned!

Dateless in Ottawa     

Some thoughts

A friend sent me some feedback on my blog.  He pointed out that I should revisit some of the adjectives I used as they can be misinterpreted and paint me in a bad light.

My writing is simply a means of focusing my creative energy, while trying to vent a bit.  These are my real life experiences, as crazy as they may sound, along with my thoughts, observations and opinions.  It is not my intention to judge or insult, nor am I trying to endorse or bash any of the service providers I mention.  I respect the opinions of others and welcome feedback.  Again, these are my opinions based on my observations.  I agreed with his suggestions and went back and made some minor changes.

Other random thoughts:

Having a Spanish and Latin American background, family is everything.  Religion and food are strong contenders for second place!  Lol  I had a very strict traditional up bringing where respect for others was extremely important.  Manners, morals and ethics were drilled into us.  My parents came to Canada with nothing and worked extremely hard to support their families back home and ensure their children would want for nothing.  Don't get me wrong, necessities were not the same thing as wants.  Food, shelter and clothes on your backs were never lacking, but forget about the brand names or $100.00 running shoes.  Can you believe they met and less than a month later they were married???

In our culture you care for parents and grand-parents as they get older.  We may not always agree on how things should be done, but there is mutual respect and this translates to all relationships.  What really stood out for me, was the chivalry.  Dad opening doors for Mom, helping her with her coat, letting her sit first at restaurants, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, etc.  He also did this with people he met on the street, opening doors, saying hello, please and thank you, offering his seat on the bus if a woman got on, helping others with their packages or stopping to help someone change a flat tire, always giving at church and helping the less fortunate in the community. 

Dad always says, "If you're not going to do your best, don't waste your time and everyone else's. You don't have to be perfect, but if you've given your all you have something to be proud of."  They taught us the value of money, to work hard, be kind and help others.

Mom was funny, but tough.  She'd say, "A woman needs to be independent and should know how to do everything all by herself without having to rely on anyone, but a real man will do it for her."  Had we not learned to cook, she would have disowned us all.  My sister and I were well versed on cleaning, cooking, running a household, caring for children and a man.  She was a stay at home Mom, but also babysat and catered from home.  Dad didn't touch a thing inside the house aside from  maintaining the cars, household repairs and cutting the grass.  She'd lay out his clothes, make his breakfast, pack his lunch and the list went on and on.  No wonder he was so lost when she passed away.  Times change and not always for the better.

Looking back at my online dating experiences with some of the men, these qualities appear to be   lacking.  I find it sad that the world has changed to the point where simple things like honesty and respect are misused or virtually non-existent.  Society is becoming too disposable, much like appliances that don't last 35 years like they used to!

At times I may sound harsh, but I'm simply expressing my opinions.  Maybe my expectation are too high or unrealistic, but a girl's allowed to dream.  I think all children, girls and boys, should be taught about chivalry and all those important values and morals.  The world might be a better place with a bit less heartache and frustration.

But then again, I wouldn't be able to entertain you with my blog! 

Dateless in Ottawa

Time to check out eHarmony

Match.com kept sending me matches, but again many were way outside of my acceptable range. I called several times to complain, but nothing changed.  I felt a refund was in order given that they did not live up to their promises, but based on how their rules were set-up I didn't qualify.  No matter how much I disputed it and explained how the matches were not within the range I specified at the beginning, it was obvious they were never going to admit to having a flawed system.  Perhaps it was done on purpose so they wouldn't have to give refunds.  So much for relying on celebrity endorsements. 

eHarmony was different, it was far more structured.  I found the process way too slow.  There was a weekend where members were allowed to communicate for free and they sent me six profiles.  Low and behold, four of them were from Lavalife using the exact same profile pictures.  I had already exchanged emails with two of them so there was no point in wasting my time on them.  There was one that sounded interesting, so I chose to send him an email.  The correspondence dragged on for a couple of weeks until we were finally able to communicate directly with each other.

24. The 40 Year Old Virgin
He was tall, had three university degrees and worked for the government.  He had never been married.  Was once engaged and then on his mother's advice broke it off.  She felt he wasn't ready and since then he'd been single.  He seemed very intellectual and was looking into yet another degree.  His brother and friends were all married with children so he didn't go out much.  Some of the questions he asked were odd.  He wanted to know whether I would seek counselling to resolved relationship issues, if so it would demonstrate I would work on problems rather than run away.  This made sense.  I mentioned we should meet for coffee, he said he'd ask his mother to see what she thought.

What?  Was he kidding me?  Ask his Mom?  And I thought my parents were strict!  I was starting to get the feeling this was a Norman Bates scenario.  Most conversations started with what he had done with his mother on the weekend or for dinner the previous night.  It was odd and outside of the norm for me.  I then decided to be bold and asked him if he'd ever had sex given that he was engaged at one point.  He sounded appalled and insulted.  He said he was looking for someone chaste and pure.  I doubled over with cramps from laughing so hard, I thought I was going to pee myself.  Was he serious?  No way!  OMG he was serious and a virgin.  My response went something like this:

Dear P_______, my profile clearly stated that I had three young children.  Ages 6, 5 and 3.  No where did I state they were adopted and as we discussed, I was in a relationship with their father for over ten years.  Any person, even of average intelligence would have to come to the conclusion or assume that I've had sex at least three times.  How you could assume I was still a virgin is beyond me.  I'm sorry, but I do not see a potential relationship with you nor do I believe I could compete with your mother.  Best of luck with your search.

OMG, I was blown away.  Never would I have expected to meet a 40 year old man who was still a virgin.  I can't imagine ever having to show a man what he has to do.  In a new relationship I agree that both people have to explore and get to know each other, but in this case he couldn't even talk about sex.  For me the man should be the experienced one.  Surprise, surprise, just when you think you've seen and heard it all. 

I did receive a few more matches, but several were unemployed or simply weren't my type.  This was not going to work.  The amount of time it took to be able to communicate directly with another member was far too long only to find out they were not a good match.  I wasn't willing to waste this much time on each match.  Not to mention, the longer you were a member the more it cost you.  Great marketing strategy for a business, but not for me.

I deleted my profile on eHarmony and on Match.com.  If I wanted entertainment and abuse, I wasn't going to pay for it when I could get it for free on other sites.  Someone mentioned there was another  site that was really popular, Plenty of Fish.  What an appropriate name!  I'd take my chances and hope for the best on the free sites.  After all, the same men were on all the sites whether paid or free!

I read some Online Dating articles in magazines.  I was surprised to learn that at that time, there were 5 women for every single man in Ottawa.  Lovely stats.  No wonder they could afford to lie and play the field, they had the advantage.  Other articles said you may have to meet 70 or as many as 100 people before finding "the" one.  My goodness 100???  How much disappointment can one person handle?  This was terrible for one's self-esteem and ego.  I'd have to figure out how to grow a thick skin or develop spidey senses like Spiderman. 

Back to the drawing board.  My options were limited so I decided to revisit my profile, go back to Lavalife and check out Plenty of Fish.  I refused to believe there weren't any nice guys left.  There had to be a few and I would find them eventually, or better yet maybe one would find me!

Dateless in Ottawa

To pay or not to pay, let's see if it makes a difference!

Ok, of the ten emails I sent,  only four of the guys replied.  Three of them thanked me for my email and stated I was not their type and wished me luck on my search.  At least they responded and were honest, I appreciated that.  The fourth guy was rude and looking for a hook up so delete!  Never heard from the other six, so I waited for my next round of matches.

As I was searching through profiles, an email arrived.  It was an introductory message from a username I didn't recognize.  Hence began my online dating journey via a paid site!

21. Superman
He was single, no kids, very tall, stalky with dark hair and working in construction.  As I read through the rest of his profile and preferences, I noticed he was in New Jersey!  How did he find my profile?  He was way outside of my acceptable range.  Friendship was always an option I would consider, so I responded.

His email was very polite so I thanked him for his email and asked him why he would write to someone in Canada.  He hadn't even realized I was that far away.  My profile was in his matches.  He was single, never married and no kids, so long distance was not an issue for him and he'd be willing to travel.  Family was important to him, he had a nephew and was close to his brother.  Only his Mom was living and he saw her every week. 

I enjoyed reading his emails, then he started calling.  Later he suggested we Skype.  Skype?  What is that?  I had no clue what that was and with dial up internet, it might not work.  He walked me through it and we got it working, but my dinosaur of a computer did not have a camera so he couldn't see me.  Well, when his image appeared on my screen, he didn't look anything like his picture.  His cheeks were sunken in, he was balding on the sides, had dark circles under his eyes and he looked malnourished.  I was shocked and asked him about the picture.  He said it was a couple of years old when he was fat.  Fat?  In the picture he had the stalky build of someone who worked out regularly,  definitely not fat.  Since then he was obsessed with losing weight and eating healthy so that he'd never be fat again.  He was eating 3-4 bananas a day and drinking lots of water and milk.  For a guy who's 6'3 this sounded crazy.  There was no way he was eating enough for his size let alone the type of work he was doing.  He was a general labourer for a forming company, this was back breaking work!  Great, a guy with an eating disorder.  Worst part, he still thought he was fat. 

We had great conversations, but at times he was a bit odd.  Out of the blue he told me how he had planned our wedding.  We'd be getting married on Halloween on the side of cliff near New York, followed by a masquerade reception where the guests would have to be dressed in costumes and wear masks.  It was fun to dream, A+ for creativity, but maybe we should meet first???  I had no intention of moving to the US with my children.  He believed I'd change my mind.  He even had our house planned out.  It was going to be a refitted Bowing 747.  It would have three levels of living space with lots of room.  He'd buy a piece of land outside of the city.  I said it sounded really cool, but it was a bit unrealistic. 

He called all upset one night saying I was costing him a fortune in long distance.  He needed to pay his bills and although he had planned to come up for a visit, he'd been off work sick and couldn't afford to buy a plane ticket.  His anger increased.  One night I got angry and told him that I was also incurring long distance charges and didn't appreciate his attitude.  He was well aware of where I lived from the beginning.  He insisted on pursing this and offered to travel.  Obviously he had other issues going on and I wasn't interested in playing games.  A week later he wrote saying he had met his peach.  Good riddance!

22.  The Garage Door Installer
Another email came in.  I could tell the picture on the profile was old, but how old could it be?  He was a good writer and obviously read my profile.  He was the same age as me, single, never married and no kids.  He lived outside of the city.  We emailed for a bit and then he asked for my number.  We talked a few times and had great conversations.  The country is what he loved, but said he was thinking of moving to the city for his business.  He had lived on a dairy farm all of his life and had a garage door company on the side that his Dad helped him out with when it was busy.  All of his siblings and friends were married with kids, so he was excited that I had children. 

We decided to meet for dinner.  He recognized me as soon as I arrived at the Red Lobster. I wouldn't have recognized him.  He looked much older that his picture.  I jokingly asked if the profile picture was from high school, to my surprise he answered yes.  Strike one!

Soon after we got a table.  During dinner he talked about buying a farm or going into a partnership with a friend.   He lived over an hour outside of the city.  Obviously he was planning on staying in the country.  We talked about my job and the kids.  He said we'd all be happier in the country, no way he was moving to the city.  Not what he said previously.  Strike two, deciding for me and my kids what would be better?  With my job and university at night, I would not move to the country.  Commuting for hours every day was out of the question.  I had stated this in several conversations.

We finished dinner and I told him it was nice meeting him, but I didn't see any potential.  We seemed to come from two completely different worlds.  He loved the country and that's where his family and work was, I loved the city and I would not move to the country.  I thanked him for dinner and wished him luck with his search.

23. Mr. Transport Canada
He sent a long introductory email.  Obviously he was well-educated and a great writer.   He said he was single and had a son from a previous relationship with shared custody.  He had a government job and worked as a paralegal on the side.  We emailed for a bit then talked on the phone. 

We both studied law at Carleton, he had graduated a few years back.  He asked if we could meet for coffee near work and I agreed.  I was pleasantly surprised, he looked just like his picture!  He was tall with dark hair and light eyes.  I liked how he dressed and the whole opening doors certainly got my attention.  The conversation flowed really well and the time flew by.  I had to go to a meeting so he told me to give him a shout and we'd do dinner later in the week.  That sounded great!  Finally a promising candidate.  As I was leaving the coffee shop, I ran into one of my best friends. 

Me: "Hey, how's it going?"

Her: "Great you?  What are you doing here?"

Me: "I just had a coffee date and it went really well."

Her: "That's great, is he still around?  Who is he?"

Me: "Oh look, there he is."

Her:  "The tall guy with the blue shirt?"

Me: "Yeah."

Her: "Oh no!  He's married, he's very married.  We work on the same floor.  Here's his last name, check him out on Facebook.  You'll see all the pictures of him with his wife and young son.  I'm so sorry Sweety, gotta run I'm late for a meeting.  Call me tonight, I'm really sorry!"

I wanted to throw up, I felt sick to my stomach.

OMG, are you kidding me?  Do men have no shame?  I guess it would be easy to lie and say he was having coffee with a client or co-worker.  I felt so deflated, when just minutes ago I felt like I was on top of the world.

Talk about perfect timing. What are the odds my girlfriend would be outside the coffee shop just as we were leaving and know him?  On a positive note, better to find out now rather than later!

Unbelievable!  My theory was totally wrong.  Free or paid, men will lie.  What is a woman to do?  Why are men so dishonest?  Sooner or later the truth always comes out. 

Home to lick my wounds and try to build up the courage to forge ahead.  I never imagined it would be this difficult.  Online dating sites would be an awesome tool if only people would be honest.  How many more men would I have to meet before finding a decent one?  Not sure how much longer I could do this, it's way too discouraging. 

Well, there's always eHarmony.  I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best!

Dateless in Ottawa

Ok, let's check out the paid sites. These will have better quality candidates!

After failure upon failure on the free site, the paid sites had to be better.  This is what I told myself and truly hoped I would be right.

Match.com
They sent weekly matches, but I hadn't logged in since I created my profile.  I crossed my fingers and held my breath.  The site was very bright and really drew you in with all the colours and graphics.  I pulled up my matches and sat dumb founded.  The list came up and what did I see?  Sadly, I recognized five of the guys from Lavalife!  Are you guys kidding me?  Can you believe three of them were even using the same username and profile on both sites?   This was not encouraging.  So much for my theory that paying members would be more serious.  Oh well, I told myself not to give up hope and carry on. 

I viewed the profiles of the guys I didn't recognize.  Some were way off.  They were outside of my acceptable distance.  One guy was in California, how could he possibly be within 50 km?   Another guy was in South Dakota.  So much for entering my preferences.

I wrote to their customer service email to complain.  If I was going to follow their rules to guarantee my success or get my money back, they had to abide by my preferences and acceptable distances too!They responded a few days later and apologized stating there must have been a glitch in their system and this should not happen again.  If I had any further problems, to call their customer service line for immediate assistance.  Ok, they have a great level of customer service which was reassuring. 

As per their rules, I was to write to each of the candidates on the matches list they sent, so I did and waited for them to reply.  In the meantime I learned to navigate the site, do searches and view profiles.  I even looked at a few women's profiles to compare them to mine and see if there was anything I should change or add.  Many of the profiles were very similar.  Qualities like honest, single, great sense of humour, faithful...  were repeated over and over.  I had to change mine a bit so it didn't look like I copied and pasted someone else's.  At the same time I wanted to stand out and inject a bit of humour while being true to myself. 

I'll further add, that as I searched through the profiles, I found more and more guys from Lavalife.  It was interesting to cross reference them between the two sites.  "F as in failure" for originality as the majority were using the same profile and username on both, except on Match.com they claimed to be looking for a long-term relationship.  Yeah right!  Hopefully eHarmony would be better, but I'll focus on Match.com first and then check out my profile on eHarmony.

Enough for one night.  I had to think about how I wanted my profile to read and wait for my matches to respond to my introductory emails. 

Dateless in Ottawa

Back to work! Surely there had to be some better matches this time around.

Exams went well and I was happy to be finished until the Fall.  My girlfriend came over all excited with a list of usernames.  She had already initiated contact and they responded, I just had to keep the momentum going and hopefully meet them.  Given that she knew me well, I think she did a great job as their profiles would have stood out for me too. 

OK, Round 5!

18. The Farmer/Construction Worker
Of all the users my girlfriend suggested, this one seemed to be the best match.  He was single, no kids and lived close by.  We emailed for a bit and then he asked if he could call me.  The first conversation lasted for hours.  He worked for a company that had several government contracts and I was familiar with most of the buildings and work being done because I worked for the department that put the contracts in place.  He had a great sense of humour and we had similar family backgrounds.  Turns out my girlfriend's colleagues knew him well and spoke very highly of him.  Suddenly after a few weeks, he disappeared.  He called out of the blue one day and apologized.  An uncle had passed away and he had to take care of some family issues, but would like to continue where we left off and meet. 

I let it go.  We talked for a while and then met for dinner.  The entire night was filled with laughter and we talked about different projects he was working on and people we knew.  He was very charming.  About a week later, he disappeared again, then a third time.  At that point I thought enough is enough.  He was obviously playing games.  I'm all for giving someone the benefit of the doubt, but this was too much.  I sent him an email asking him not to contact me again.

19. The Photographer
This profile wasn't as appealing to me, but my girlfriend insisted I had to try.  He was a bit older, said he was a photographer for a law enforcement agency, was divorced and had an older daughter.  He was pleasant, but certainly not a writer so we moved to the phone a bit more quickly.  Just so happened I had a wedding coming up and I needed a date.  What's that expression, baptism by fire?  Great way to test someone.  It was a close friend of the family and it was going to be a large affair.  I had already had a bad reaction to asking someone to be my date for a wedding, but hey I didn't want to go alone.  He was caught off guard.  Sounded like he'd never been to a wedding, especially not a large European wedding.  He was very indecisive.  Finally he agreed.  When he showed up he wasn't dressed as we had discussed, but whatever. 

Just so happened that a close friend of the family recognized him.  They hung out for part of the night so I was glad my date had someone to talk to while I socialized with my friends.  Later, my friend pulled me aside and filled me in on my date.  They had worked together for a few years.  Low and behold, he was not a photographer for the agency, he was a mail clerk that did all kinds of odd jobs and once in a while they'd ask him to take a picture.  He was socially awkward, but a nice guy.  Bad divorce and issues with his daughter. 

I thought great, this will be interesting.  He had disappeared for a while, so I went looking for him.  He was out front smoking.  For me, this was a deal breaker.  According to his profile he was a non-smoker.  He looked like a little boy that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  Oh well.  We had cake and coffee and headed home.  He wanted to stop and have a drink, but I said no.

Then he started calling regularly trying to make plans.  I politely said I didn't think we were a good match.  He insisted that we could just be friends and hang out once in a while, I was a good person and he wanted to keep me in his life.  Friends can be a good thing, but when they start trying to control your calendar and get mad when you say you're busy, we have a bit of a problem.  Sadly I had to get firm and ask him to stop contacting me.  Thankfully he respected my wishes.

20. Mr. Freedom
He was roughly the same age as me, divorced, one son with visitation privileges.  His ex-wife had remarried. He moved to Ottawa to start a new life.  He said he was a social worker and did odd jobs on the side.  We emailed and then talked on the phone.  He loved Vietnamese food so suggested we meet for Pho. I agreed. Originally he suggested China Town, but then said he currently didn't have a vehicle so I suggested a place closer to where he lived to make it easier.

That day there was a car accident so I called him right away to let him know I'd be late.  I was 20 minutes late and felt horrible.  I apologized profusely.  It was pouring rain that night.  He was wearing a rain jacket with a hood.  We went inside and sat down.  All I could smell was cigarettes.  Then I looked over and noticed he had several sores on his face.  He was also sick with a bad cold.  Unbelievable!   This was not going well. 

I soon learned that he wasn't working, hadn't for about 3 years.  He said he was "enjoying his freedom."  The whole time he talked about his ex and how she was now married to a police officer and had everything she wanted.  I knew all about her and her husband, way too much information.  Years ago he burned out doing social work and then started doing odd repair jobs to pay the bills which wasn't enough.  His wife got fed up and left.  He was extremely angry and bitter, especially when she got full custody.  They had a 13 year old son he hadn't seen in some time.  He was currently renting a room and on meds, I didn't dare ask for what.  I think he read the expression on my face and knew exactly what I was thinking.  He got angry.

Him: "You're probably just like my ex.  High maintenance, you want it all and nothing is good enough for you."

Me: "Excuse me?  You lied on your profile.  You are not working, haven't in 3 years, you smoke and you don't have a car.  I work, pay my bills and don't need to lie."

Him: "Well you were late, made me stand outside waiting for almost half an hour.  I'm enjoying my freedom.  If I wanted to work I have lots of rich Jewish friends in the catering business that would hire me in a second!"

Me: "I called you over an hour in advance to tell you I'd be late and apologized.  You could've waited inside, but you were too busy smoking outside.  I'm happy you're enjoying your freedom and not seeing your son.  For me, my priority is my children and moving forward in life.  I wish you well with your search."

Him: "The least you can do is pay for your food."

Me: "No worries, I fully intend to.  Save your money for your son!  Good bye!"

I felt bad he had to walk in the pouring rain, but he was an asshole and I wasn't doing him any favours.

20. The Engineer
This guy was a great writer.  He obviously put a lot of time and effort into the email and he definitely read my profile.  He was bit older, divorced with 2 kids.  On the profile under occupation it said he was an engineer.  They had joint custody, but his daughter would be 18 soon.  The only draw back was that he lived a little over an hour outside of the city.  We quickly moved from email to the phone.  He was intelligent and could carry on a conversation on pretty much any topic.  He had a dry sense of humour, but he was very thoughtful and polite.  I told him about my job.  At the time he was consulting for a few high tech companies and said he loved engineering.  I asked, if he was an engineer and he said yes.

We agreed to meet for coffee at Bayshore.  He was late and on his way in he stopped at a table with two ladies sitting at it and introduced himself.  It was really odd. 

Him: "Hi there, sorry I'm late.  I stopped and said hello to your girlfriends on my way over to you."

Me: "Those aren't my girlfriends."

Him: "Sure they are, don't all women have friends accompany them just in case?"

Me:  "No, not me.  I'm in a public place so it's all good."

We had a good time and he insisted on seeing me again soon.  He was extremely tall, 6'5!  In a crowd he looked like a giant.  We talked about work, family, travel, cooking....there were a few common interests.  The following week we saw a movie, then went for coffee.  He was nice, I saw potential.  He talked about engineering projects and was looking for another job as alimony was killing him.  We went out a few more times and one night I asked him why he didn't wear his iron ring on his pinky like all engineers do. 

Him: "I'm not an engineer, I'm an engineering technologist.  We're the ones that do all the work and make the engineers look good."

Me: "Oh, well I specifically asked you if you were an engineer and you said yes. "

Him: "Sweetheart, you must have misunderstood."

Me: "No, I asked you "Are you an engineer?" to which you responded Yes." 

He went into a long rant on how much harder he works.....blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.  All that matters to me is that my mate is gainfully employed and loves what he does.  Anyways, I take my time and don't jump into anything too quickly, not surprising up to this point.  After a few weeks he was getting frustrated and said he couldn't figure out how I was feeling.  Things needed to speed up a little.  Fair enough, I agreed so he invited me over to his place for dinner.

All day he kept calling asking when I'd be there.  It was flattering, but finally I asked him to stop calling I'd be there at 6:00 as agreed.  Well, anything that could go wrong did go wrong.  When I arrived he was drenched in sweat.  He had a plumbing issue, then his son called and needed something and dinner was way behind schedule.  I told him to relax, there was no rush.  Well he burned the gravy, then his daughter called.  Her car broke down and she needed Dad to go help her.  He told her to call her mother and she said Mom was out of town with her boyfriend for the weekend.  Well, that didn't go over very well.  He lost his temper and went on about how she can't be leaving the kids alone, where is your brother? Where did your mother go?  You're ruining my night...

He hung up and I told him to go help his daughter, I'd stay home and finish dinner.  We would eat when he got back.  The roast was over done and the rest of the night was a disaster.  He was extremely upset and started drinking so I told him I was going home.

The following night he called to apologize.  We agreed to meet for lunch on Monday.  He didn't show up, so I called him.  He said after thinking long and hard, he wasn't over his wife and no where near ready for a new relationship.  I hung up without saying a word.

NEXT!

I decided my girlfriend's choices were no better than mine.  We weren't picking the wrong guys, they were lying.  She felt horrible, but it wasn't her fault.  Oh well, time to call a few more girlfriends,  have a few drinks and laugh at my expense. 

Tomorrow is another day, maybe I'll do better with Match or eHarmony.

Dateless in Ottawa

More options to consider - To pay or not to pay?

While my girlfriend worked on finding me matches on Lavalife, I did some research on other options.  Lately on TV I had noticed countless adds for Match.com and eHarmony.  Maybe if people had to pay for an online dating service they would be serious about finding a soul mate and ultimately be more honest?   One would assume or at least hope so.  Then again the age old saying, "To assume is to make an ass out of you and me!" 

Match.com offered a guarantee if you followed their instructions to the letter.  This was promoted by Dr. Phil who worked with Oprah, so how could I go wrong?  Oprah was one of the most influential talk show hosts on TV.  If she was endorsing it, it had to be good.

eHarmony claimed they matched you on various levels using a scientific approach and had the greatest success amoung it's members in terms of marriages.  This sounded promising too. 

Ok, I decided to sign up for both to increase my chances.  Lucky me, they were offering trial memberships so signing up for 3 months wasn't a big deal and didn't break the bank.  What was I getting myself into?  As if one site wasn't enough, now I'd have to juggle amoung three online dating sites!  Oh well, I had only committed to 3 months, how difficult could it be?

I liked the format on Match.com.  It was bright and colourful.  Their profiles allowed you to include more information about yourself, there were additional categories and you could add a lot more pictures.  So far so good.  They sent you suggested matches weekly. You were encouraged to contact all of these users as they were supposed to be chosen based on the qualities, characteristics and traits you were looking for.   Ok, got my profile done and posted it online.  This profile was more fun and humorous.  I wanted to portray a positive image and make a fresh start.  Now I had to wait for my first set of matches.

My profile on Lavalife was starting to sound a bit jaded and angry.  I changed it again in the hopes of discouraging the players, but no matter what I tried, I wasn't successful at keeping the idiots away.  I told myself it was because it was free so they didn't care.  Let's see if the paying sites make a difference. 

eHarmony was unique in their approach.  Their questionnaire seemed to take hours to complete.  It didn't help that I had dial up internet!  I was getting frustrated, but it finally worked and my profile was online.  Their system was very different and more structured.  They sent you matches based on their scientific approach, then communication was limited and broken up into stages.  You simply had to follow the directions provided at each step.  Perfect, let's see what they come up with.   Nice that most of the work would be done by someone else. 

With finals approaching, I took a break for a couple of weeks to study.  In the meantime I figured my girlfriend, Match.com and eHarmony could do their magic so that when I signed back into my accounts, I'd have some great matches to work with.  Hey, a girl's allowed to dream!

On that note, have a great night!

Dateless in Ottawa 

The search continues - "Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed!"

When I initially set out on this journey, I told myself to apply what I had learned from my parents.  Whether in person or online, you are talking to human beings.  On any given day you can be walking down the street or at work and when someone says, "Hello" or "Hi" usually we respond.  Someone opens a door, you say thank you.  Regardless of the type of relationship, there's give and take.  Don't expect from others what you aren't capable of yourself.  All part and parcel of being a polite and respectful member of society.   

Sadly I was quickly learning that these simple basic standards didn't seem to apply in the world of online dating.  Hiding behind a computer screen makes it too easy to be rude and disrespectful.  Most do things they wouldn't do in person. 

I had received many messages with a simple "Hi" or "Hey".  Initially I thought it's a basic introduction, much like in person, but in the online world people could be sending hundreds of these quick and easy messages with minimal effort.  They didn't seem to care much about who they were sending the message to, just hoping to get a response, any response and then go from there.  Going forward all these Hi, Hey, or What's up messages were deleted.  If they weren't going to make an effort, neither was I.  I struggled with this because it's not my style, but once again when in Rome do as the Romans!

Safety was a huge concern especially after Mr. Former Football player.  Anytime I went on a date, I'd make sure a few friends had his name, number and the location where we were meeting.  They'd even call me if I didn't check in by the agreed upon time. 

On to Round 4???  My new philosophy "Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed!" 

14. Mr. Frankenstein
He was the same age as me with 3 children.  Divorced and working as taxi dispatcher.  He was very tall, slim build and blond.  Not my usual preference, but I was going to give it a shot.  We had a lot in common; 90's music, movies and a love of cooking to name a few.  We quickly moved from email to the phone and had great conversations.  He had worked in many restaurants in Ottawa and Toronto.  He invited me to dinner.  I made dessert, lemon meringue pie, he took care of the main course.  I must admit it was the best steak ever.  One thing I found very odd was that his youngest slept in his walk-in closet.

He didn't look like his picture.  He was extremely tall, odd looking and reminded me of Frankenstein.  In a period of a few hours, he smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and drank a 24 of beer.  I was not impressed.  Every 15 minutes or so, he was in the washroom peeing like a race horse then smoking another cigarette.  We tried to watch a movie, but after numerous bathroom and cigarette breaks I'd had enough.  I got my things and left.  He seemed annoyed and shocked I was leaving, but turned and lit another cigarette.  I never heard from him again.   Not my loss!

15. Mr. Don Cherry
He was older and an identical twin.  I thought great, they'll be playing mind games with me!  He was single, never married and no kids.  He worked at the Corel Centre and coached boys' hockey.  He didn't drive and told me I'd have to give him 2 hours notice so that he could meet me.  When I asked if he had a driver's licence, he got all defensive and said it wasn't my business, he had his reasons.  Later on he also said he didn't drink so I kind of put one and one together. 

He sent a nice email, but he definitely wasn't a good writer.  A bit too flattering.  We emailed for a bit then talked on the phone.  He seemed obsessed with my profile picture.  He told me he made it his desktop photo and used if for his screen saver at work.  That creeped me out.  A couple of days later he emailed asking me to send him the picture right away.  Apparently his PC had crashed and he lost everything.  The kids had swimming that night so I didn't respond until I got home.  He'd left messages and send a few more emails all angry that I wasn't responding.  Accused me of ignoring him.  Seriously?  Here we go again!

He called and was very rude.  I told him I was too old for this level of immaturity and that frankly, this obsession with my picture was freaking me out.  This was not going to work, best of luck with your search.  He later sent me a nasty email accusing me of being a player.  I blocked him.  Next!

16. The Athlete
We were the same age and he had 2 young boys.  Divorced with joint custody.  He was in sales and travelled often with work.  He was tall, athletic and blond.  He coached his son's hockey team and played a variety of sports.  From the beginning he said he was tired of women that emailed endlessly with no intention of meeting.  I told him I was not interested in a pen pal, meeting sooner rather than later was my preference.  Well, weeks later and there was one excuse after another.  If it wasn't work, it was the kids, sports activities or family obligations.  I got fed up, it was obvious he was the one that had no intentions of meeting.  I wrote and told him I wasn't interested in an online email relationship and wished him luck with his search.  The same day I noticed he had deleted his profile.

17. Mr. Deep Mental Issues
This gentleman was Francophone and sent a nice email in French.  It was a nice surprise and he appreciated that I was able to respond in French.  His profile didn't have much in it, I figured it was because of his limited English.  He was a farmer, had never married and didn't have children, but came from a very large family and loved kids.

We met for coffee a few weeks later.  He didn't look like his picture.  For lack of better words, he looked very weathered, worn and much older than his picture.  He went on tell me more about his life.  For the last 2 years he'd been in treatment for deep mental issues. OMG!  He went into great details about his anger management issues and drug abuse.  He was being treated in Montreal and became romantically involved with his therapist.  She later broke it off as it was a conflict of interest and didn't want to put her career at risk.  He then stalked her for months and told me he was still in love with her.  There was a restraining order put in place so he moved to Ottawa.  Really???

I had heard enough.  I told him I had to leave to pick up the children.  He asked me if he could touch me, and I said no thank you.  I shook his hand and said good bye.  That was the end, I didn't hear from him again.

Ok, this was not good.  My self-esteem was plummeting.  Why was this happening?  My best friend came over and said that I must be picking the wrong guys.  She was going to do some searches to find men she thought would be suitable matches for me.  I gave her my username and password and told her to have fun.  At this point I had nothing to lose and she knew me well, so I had complete trust in her.  A few days later she came over with a list of usernames. 

But alas it's late, so sweet dreams everyone!

Dateless in Ottawa

More emails and hopefully better luck!

A few days had passed so I mustered up the courage to log back into the online dating site.  There were several emails in my inbox.  Up to now, I only communicated with one guy at a time.  I thought this is what someone who's courteous and respectful does.  Never mind, when in Rome do as the Romans!  Nothing wrong with emailing, if it progresses to meeting, that's a different story. 

In the meantime I would start a journal and document my experiences.  They might come in handy one day! Lol

10. Mr. Handsome
His picture looked like it was out of a magazine.  He had a great smile and amazing eyes.  The email was short and flirty.  According to the profile he was looking for a long-term relationship.  He was divorced with 3 children. After a few emails and a phone call, we met for coffee.  He was very charming.  It was obvious he relied very heavily on his looks.  Most of the conversation focused on all the women he'd been with.  He was on EI and learning a new trade.  His kids were in Cornwall and he'd been through a nasty divorce.  With no work, he complained about not being able to pay child support or being able to see his kids.  The date ended.  It was quite clear he had too many issues and I was so not interested.  His short comings and issues far outweighed his good looks.

He called the next day to ask if I'd like to go out again.  He further added he wasn't looking for anything serious, just wanted to have some fun while living in Ottawa. 

Me: "I'm looking for something long-term.  We wouldn't be a good match.  It was nice meeting you."

Him:  "I guess you misunderstood.  You seem really nice, we could have fun."

Me: "I have plenty of fun.  Your profile clearly says you're looking for long-term so I didn't misunderstand, you lied."

Him: "Not a big deal.  By the way, I was told to leave the place where I've been living.  Why don't I just stay with you?  Don't worry I don't mind cuddling after sex, I know women like that."

Me: "I'm not interested.  Best of luck with your search.  Good bye!"

Him: "What do you mean, women never say no to me?"

Me: "Well honey, there's a first time for everything.  Good luck!"

11. Mr. Chemical Plant
He was divorced with 2 young children and joint custody.  Was looking for a job in Ottawa as the plant he was working at was closing and he'd be losing his job.  He seemed sincere and we had a lot of common interests.  His kids were the same ages as mine so they were into the same things which we both agreed was important. 

That same weekend we met for dinner.  We had a really nice time.  Afterwards we decided to go see a movie. We saw Batman and later went for drinks.  The conversation flowed and we had a really nice time.  He was extremely polite and what stood out most was the chivalry.  I'm a sucker for chivalry.  If a man opens doors, helps me with my coat and does all those thoughtful things I saw my Dad do for my Mom, I melt. 

He admitted he had been arrested for assaulting his wife and the gentleman she was cheating with.  He had been working 2 jobs so that she could work part-time and be home for the kids.  He went home early one night because he was sick and caught them having sex in the living room with his kids sleeping upstairs.  He lost it and threw the guy outside naked then slapped his wife.  A+ for honesty.  I was taken aback, but tried to be compassionate.  I'd been cheated on so completely understood how he would have felt.  It was the ultimate betrayal. 

We saw each other a few more times, then he came down with a bad flu.  I offered to visit and keep him company, but he turned down the offer.  A while later I received an invitation to a friend's wedding.  It was going to be at the casino which he mentioned he'd never been to.  I thought it would be a great way for him to see it and have a nice evening out.  That was a huge mistake.  He became angry and said I was planning too far in advance.  This was too stressful for him and maybe he wasn't ready for dating after all.  What?  We already had plans for the next couple of weeks, the wedding was less than a month away?  Whatever.  You'd think I had proposed!  Next!

12. East End Minister
As a joke, I had put up a picture of the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz.  Strangely, we were viewing each other's profiles at the exact same time and even sent each other emails at the same time.  He loved my picture and had to write to compliment me on my beautiful green complexion.

He was tall, dark and handsome.  Divorced, no children and a practicing minister.  He lived in my old neighbourhood.  His profile was hilarious.  It was by far the best profile I'd come across to date.  We started emailing back and forth and he finally asked if he could call me.  I figured why not, no time like the present!  He said the fact that we had emailed at the exact same time was serendipitous and we absolutely had to meet.

We talked for about an hour and laughed the entire time.  I had to pick the kids up so told him I had to go, he didn't want to stop talking.  He called back later and we continued the conversation.  We emailed and talked more then he insisted we had to meet for coffee so we set a date. 

He never showed up.  When I messaged him on the site he sent a snooty reply that he was busy.  I figured, "Fine another one down!"

Months later I came across another profile and realized it was him.  He was griping about how dishonest women are and how he'd been on several dates with transvestites.  I thought, "What comes around goes around".  I wrote him and said he was simply getting his just rewards given how he had behaved towards me and who knows how many other women. 

Surprisingly he wrote back and apologized.  He admitted our conversations were by far the most entertaining he'd had to date and he behaved like a real jerk.

Me: "Being a minister, one would assume you'd be honest and compassionate as this is what your congregation expects from someone in your position.  Sad that religious leaders who are suppose to set examples tend to be far worse than those who look up to them.  What's that saying again?  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"  Best of luck with your search!" 

Later I came across yet another one of his profiles.  I guess reinventing himself wasn't working!

13. Mr. Harper
This guy was 63, divorced with grown children and working in govt.  He also delivered groceries part-time.  The divorce had forced him to start from zero.  He was very flattering, almost desperate sounding.

He was way too old, but I responded to his email.  He was a great writer and eventually we talked on the phone.  I enjoy meeting new people and having contacts in different areas can be helpful so when he asked if I'd meet him for coffee, I said yes.

When I arrived he was already there.  He'd had 2 drinks which bothered me.  He claimed to be nervous and that alcohol calmed his nerves.  Well, he didn't look anything like his picture.  He resembled Einstein of all people.  The conversation didn't flow well.  As soon as I detect a lie, the red flags are flapping in the wind and I shut down.  He knew what I was thinking and apologized.  I wished him luck with his search and got up to leave.  He wanted to walk me to my car. I said no thank you.  Good bye!  I was at Bayshore, so a little retail therapy was in order.

There were more emails with sexual propositions which I deleted.  Ok, so the profile update and definitions didn't help.  Were men that screwed up and dishonest?   What does a girl have to say or do to find someone decent?   Dating had become far more complicated that I could have ever imagined.  I was starting to lose faith in humanity.  When even a minister can't be honest.....not a good sign.

Tomorrow is another day, I'll figure it out eventually  Things can't get any worse, one day I'll look back and laugh. 

Dateless in Ottawa

Time to re-examine my profile

No surprise, I was feeling beyond disappointed and second guessing myself.  So much for having a profile detailing what you're looking for.  Was anyone even reading what I wrote?  It was time to review my profile and make sure it wasn't misleading.  Several friends took a peak and said they thought it was fine.  They couldn't believe my stories and felt really bad for me, but encouraged me not to give up hope. 

"Good things come to those who wait", they told me. 

"Yeah, but bad things seem to come more often!  Lol" 

On to the examination:
When I created the profile, the system asked what my acceptable age range was.  I chose 30-45 and it appeared on my profile, so I'm not sure why these much older men were contacting me.  There were other questions too and here are my answers:

Would you date someone who smokes?   No

Would you date someone who drinks regularly?   No

Would you date someone who does drugs?    No

Would you date someone that has children?   Yes

What is your acceptable search radius?   50 km

Would you date someone with a body type of Big & Tall/BBW?   Yes

Would you be open to having more children?   Undecided

I thought I was clear, while demonstrating flexibility.  No one is perfect, myself included, but we all have preferences and that's ok.  As it relates to age, I was 35, so a 15 year age range seemed reasonable.  I also took into consideration that my kids were young, I started a bit later than most.  Guys nearing retirement aren't going to want to start all over again, I get it.

Body type; I much preferred a stalky guy to someone thin and being 5'7, I wanted someone tall.  You could choose several options so I picked: average, a few pounds overweight, athletic and Big & Tall/BBW.

I had children, so how could I turn away someone that had children?  If he didn't have kids that was fine too.  If he didn't have kids and wanted to have one, I would consider it.

The smoking, drinking and drugs were deal breakers.  Drinking socially was perfect, I had experienced living with an alcoholic and wasn't willing to do that again, drugs fell into the same category.  Although later on I did date someone for a bit that smoked.  I never would have known until I saw him light up one day.  There was never a smell of smoke on him, his clothes or in his truck.  As they say, "Never say never" you could be pleasantly surprised. 

Distance for me was not a huge concern.  I had already been in a long distance relationship.  They can work provided both people are on the same page.  In my case he cheated so that was the end.  Having a vehicle, I didn't mind driving so a 50 km radius was more than generous and I hoped would open the door to a greater number of potential matches.

After reviewing my profile, I came to the conclusion that the problem was not the profile.  The picture was recent and accurate, my description was honest and clearly defined who I was and what I was searching for.

To further clarify and avoid misinterpretations, I decided to add some definitions to my profile.  They appeared under the "About You" section.  Some might argue that this was a bit condescending on my part, but after reading my experiences to date, I think I was more than justified.  I wasn't here to waste my time or anyone else's. 

You would be:
Aged 30-45
Tall since I'm 5'7 and like to wear heels
Single - as in not married/common law, living with someone, engaged, dating someone, etc.
Honest - truthful, honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair.
Faithful - loyal, true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
Kind - considerate, helpful.

I crossed my fingers and clicked on "Update Profile" then logged out and decided to stay away for a few days.  A break would give me time to clear my mind and come back with a more positive attitude. 

Time for some sleep!

Dateless in Ottawa  

More changes to my profile and Round 3 of Online Dating!

Ok, so I got lots of suggestions on changes I should make.  I put more value on the comments from the guys as only they know how guys think. 

Suggestions included:
- not using the words: open minded or outgoing.  They are over used and can be interpreted the wrong way.
- inject a bit of humour to lighten it up, it sounded too serious.
- remove some of the interests like opera and learning languages.
- under the "what I'm looking for" section, remove some of the items the list was way too long.  Focus on the most important qualities and must haves.

They all sounded reasonable.  A friend came over and made the changes.  Save!  I was good to go!

7. Military Dude
There was a new email and the profile picture was of a man in uniform.  What woman doesn't like seeing a man in uniform?  I was intrigued.  The email was short, but complimentary.  His profile looked good.  He was single, no children, had travelled extensively and was still in the military stationed in Petawawa.  We exchanged emails for a couple of weeks and then decided to talk on the phone.  He had a great voice and I enjoyed talking to him.  During the third phone conversation, he said he needed to cut to the chase.  He had a sister living in Orleans that he liked to visit on weekends when he had leave.  Ultimately he needed a place to crash during those weekends and he'd be more than happy to provide sex in exchange for room and board. As far as he was concerned this was a fair trade and no one would feel taken advantage of, he'd even sleep on the couch.

SAY WHAT?  I was speechless.  Was this guy for real?  We hadn't even met and he had all the details figured out, I guess my opinion didn't count.  Did he honestly believe I would agree to this?

Me: "So, let me rephrase to make sure I heard you correctly.  You want to crash and eat at my place most weekends, so you can come up and visit your sister and in exchange you'll pay me with sex?"

Him: "Yeah, good idea isn't it.  So can we start as of this weekend?"

Me: "You've got to be kidding me.  Absolutely not.  This is insane, I don't even know you!"

Him: "Oh sorry, yeah maybe we should have met for coffee first.  I look like my picture, it's all good.  I don't need much space and I'll eat pretty much anything. Your kids are not a problem for me."

Me: "I have an even better idea!"

Him: "Really, do you have an extra bedroom?"

Me: "Hell no, you have a sister in Orleans and you're coming to visit her so just sleep at her place!"

Him: "No, it's too crazy at her place with the kids and their pets, not much room for me there.  My idea is way better and you'd be benefitting."

Me: "Unfortunately, I don't agree with you.  This is beyond insulting.  Good luck finding someone to take you up on your offer!  Have a nice life."

He continued to email, obviously he had an issue with a woman turning him down.  I eventually had to block him.  Next!

8. The Ice-cream Man
This guy didn't have a profile picture.  His email was fairly long.  He was divorced, claimed to be a marketing executive, lived just outside of Ottawa and had 2 kids with joint custody.  He said he didn't post his picture for professional reasons, but could send one by email.  Obviously he read my profile as he touched on several points.  He especially enjoyed my humour which made him laugh out loud.

We emailed a bit and then I suggested talking on the phone.  He had a great voice and we seemed to have a lot in common.  His kids were a bit older, but he'd always wanted more children so he was excited that I had 3.  This was unusual, most guys go running for hills when they hear I have 3 kids!

About a week later, we met for lunch.  He said he was a marketing executive for Nestle Canada.  I asked what exactly his work entailed.  He seemed to hesitate.  All he could say is that he verified product placement and travelled throughout Ottawa and some of the townships to the various stores that carried Nestle products, mostly the ice-cream line.  A perk was that he got to bring home all the ice-cream he wanted. 

A few days later he showed up at my office with a box of ice-cream for me and my co-workers.  They were Haagen-Dazs minis.  Everyone was thrilled.  I later noticed they were expired, but whatever it's the thought that counts right?  Found out later he was a delivery guy that stocked the shelves at the various grocery stores and removed the expired products.  A+ for giving himself a creative title!

For some reason, there was a red flag.  Something seemed off.  He was very inconsistent.  I usually only heard from him when he was working, very rarely from home, but I had both his cell and home number.  One afternoon at work, my phone rang and I looked to see if I recognized the number.  It was him calling from home.  This was out of character, something wasn't right.  I managed a toll free number at work, so I responded with our usual spiel. 

Me: "------------ services, how may I help you?"

It was a woman's voice.

Her: "Where am I calling?"

Me: "This is -----------------  are you experiencing problems with your IT services, can I dispatch a technician?"

Her: "No, I'm sorry I think I've called the wrong number." 

Not long after, he called me from his cell.

Me: "Hi there, where are you?"

Him: "On the road, working near Cornwall today."

Me: "That's interesting, someone just called me at work from your home number."

Him: "Oh honey, that's impossible no one is home."

Me: "Really, it was a woman."

Him: "You're mistaken, must have been a different number."

Me: "Oh wait, I have the conference call feature on my phone, I'm going to dial your home number right now to verify.  Maybe there's an intruder in the house."

Him: "No, don't do that!"

Me: "Why honey, what's wrong?  It's not a problem hold on it'll only take a second."

Him: "No wait, don't.  It was my wife."

Me: "You're wife?  OMG!  Unbelievable.  Maybe I should call her afterall!

Him: "Please don't.  I'm sorry.  I hope I can still see you."

Me: "I don't have time for this shit.  You can explain to your wife who she called, I'm not getting thrown into the middle of this.  Have a nice life!"

Him: "I'm sorry.  What did you say to her?"

Me: "Good bye, don't ever call me again."

So much for tweaking my profile to get better quality potential suiters.  It felt like a dream, or should I say nightmare, was this really happening?  I only drink socially, don't take any meds prescription or otherwise and don't smoke any thing so sadly, this was definitely real. 

That's ok, Canada has a population of millions and there are good people out there.  Just have to be patient and continue on.  Sigh............ 

9. The Law Enforcement Officer.
Not long after that fiasco, I received a nice email.  He was divorced with twin girls close in age to my kids.  He said he worked in law enforcement and had full custody of his girls.  Due to his job, he couldn't have his picture posted, but he attached the picture to his email.  He was tall, dark and relatively handsome.  After a couple of emails, we talked on the phone.  I wasn't interested in a long email exchange given my experiences to date. 

We talked about our kids and work.  He said he worked for the RCMP.  The best way to determine chemistry was to talk in person, so he extended a dinner invite.  I agreed.  We met the following week at a restaurant in the market.

He was waiting for me at the entrance.  They seated us at a nice table near a window.  It was cold out, so we took off our coats and gloves and sat down.  As I glanced over at my date, my stomach did a back flip.

OMG, this is not happening to me!!!  He was wearing a wedding band.  So much for being divorced.  I didn't know what to do.  After quickly considering my options, I decided I was going to have a wonderful dinner and wait until the end to confront him. 

Coincidentally, I was very hungry that night.  I had an appetizer, main course and dinner followed by dessert and coffee.  The conversation flowed well, not that I was paying much attention or contributing.  I was more focused on concealing my anger and trying very hard to remain cordial. 
The bill came and he paid. 

Him: "That was wonderful.  I really enjoy your company.  It's early, would you like to go for a walk?"

Me: "Thank you for dinner.  May I ask you a question?"

Him: "Sure, anything."

Me: "Is it customary for you to wear your wedding ring when you're meeting someone for the first time?"

The colour drained from his face.

Him: "This isn't a wedding ring!"

Me: "Really?  Then what is it?"

Him: "It's my school ring."

Me: "School ring?  I didn't fall off a turnip truck yesterday.  I have a school ring and I can tell you that they have your birthstone in the centre with your school name and the date you graduated carved around it.  Furthermore, it is worn on your middle finger, not your wedding ring finger, but nice try!  What you're wearing is without a doubt a wedding band."

Him: "Well technically I'm still married because my divorce is not final."

Me: "Good bye, forget you ever met me and don't contact me again.  Men like you make me sick.  I feel so sorry for your wife, she deserves better.  Sooner or later the truth always comes out, grow up!"

This was going even worse than I could have ever imagined.  Why was this happening to me?  Did I mention I needed a few drinks that night? 

Dateless in Ottawa

Round 2 of Online Dating

So after careful consideration and weighing my options, online dating seemed to be the best route.  As they say "You have to get back on the horse that threw you".  I was wiser.  Time to tweak my profile, expand my interests (I added things like Ballet, Opera, etc.) and added a section on what I was looking for in a man in an attempt to discourage those simply looking for games or sex.  Ok, I hit update and unhid my profile.  Within minutes the emails started to come in.  I felt like a piece of meat floating in a river filled with piranhas.  I braced myself! 

Thus began Round 2 of my online dating adventures!

4. The Doctor
This was by far the best email I've ever received, it was almost 2 pages long.  He was 67, widowed, very tall and a retired doctor.  For the last 5 years he had been caring for his sick wife.  We shared many common interests such as travel, The Ballet, Opera, trying new restaurants, etc.  He was an excellent writer.  They had not been able to have children, so he had very little family remaining. 

As much as there were common interests, he was more than 30 years my senior.  Older than my Dad!  We were in completely different stages of life.  He'd never had kids and I couldn't imagine him wanting to assume responsibility or even being able to keep up with 3 little ones now aged 6, 5 and 3!  He sounded like a wonderful man who simply wanted to live after years of caring for his sick wife.  I understood the position he was in as Dad was in the same boat, the only difference being Dad had his children and grandchildren to keep him company and bring him joy. 

I responded a few days later.  I struggled to find the right words.  I was deeply touched by his email and didn't want to offend him, nor did I want to waste his time.  My email started off by thanking him for such a beautiful email.  Later I asked what a man at his stage of life would find appealing about a young woman with 3 very young children.  After a long and successful career you'd think he'd be travelling the world and doing things on a whim.  I was just starting my career and completing my university degree.  The older children were in school so travelling was not something that we could do at the drop of a hat.  There was daycare, swimming lessons and the list went on.  I thanked him again for his beautiful email and concluded that I didn't see any potential given the large age gap, different life stages and my young children.  In closing, I wished him all the happiness in the world and I hoped he would find the woman that would make him happy.

The same day I received a scathing response to my email, he was angry and insulted.  That was not my intention and I felt bad, but there was nothing more to be said.

Delete! Next!

5. The Head of a Tribe in Congo
Yes, you read that correctly.  As soon as I saw the picture, I knew I was in for a treat.  He was 68, had 12 wives and 27 children or maybe that was grandchildren???  He was very flattering, even in broken English.  Said he needed another wife to have more children and wanted to come to Canada.  He was wealthy and had many, many goats.  I had to marry him because I was beautiful and would give him many more children who would take care of him and his lands. 

Wow!  How does someone in Congo even find my profile?  I rolled on the floor laughing, was this for real?  Did the changes I made to my profile make me sound like I was in my fifties?  67, now 68, what next?  I wasn't looking for a sugar daddy or worse, a grandfather!  These guys were older than my Dad!  The profile picture was of an old is guy, wearing a crown sitting on a throne.  Given his size, I'm quite sure he'd require assistance getting around.  Best way to describe his body type would be extremely heightened look of prosperity.  Yes, I'm trying to be politically correct. 

Delete!  Next!

6. The Pastor
Another well written email.  He was 42, divorced with a 7 year-old daughter.  The usual MO, tall, dark and attractive, to me anyways.  He had joint custody and they alternated weeks.  His daughter had decided a year ago she wanted to be a vegetarian so he followed suit.  To each his own.  The email was thoughtful and well written.  He obviously read my profile and we had a few similarities.  Children was not an issue for him, he welcomed the idea as he'd always wanted more.  He was a pastor.  We emailed back and forth for a bit and then moved to the telephone.  The conversations flowed and he had a good sense of humour.  After about a week, he suggested a dinner date and I accepted. 

When trying to choose a restaurant, he had many restrictions.  I personally eat just about anything so told him he should pick.  He then went on a long rant about what happens when he consumes meat.  He detailed the effects of all kinds of meat; beef, chicken, pork and lamb being by far the worst, on his digestive system.  These effects could last for days.  OMG, way too much information.  I tried to be polite and told him he could spare me the details, but he insisted on continuing getting more and more graphic.  After a while I couldn't take it anymore.  I stopped him and said that on second thought, I was going to decline his invitation. 

After hearing all the gory details about the effects of meat on his system, I couldn't picture myself sitting across a table from him.  All night I'd be visualizing his graphic descriptions, I wouldn't be able to eat!  Furthermore, I was not going to give up meat so potential quickly dropped to zero.  I thanked him for his time and wished him well on his search.  He seemed a bit miffed, but I wasn't going to settle. 

Ok, three more strikes.  What was I doing wrong?   I sent my profile to a few friends and they asked co-workers and their boyfriends to have a look and provide feedback.  Did I have to make more changes?  I patiently waited for their suggestions.  In the meantime I got a few more rude emails and sex propositions which I deleted.  It was starting to become painfully obvious that it doesn't matter what your profile says, some men will try anyways.   

Tomorrow is another day!

Dateless in Ottawa