After reading many of my posts, it's hard not to come to the conclusion that there are many married men with online dating profiles. I met over 11 of these guys. Kudos to those that were up front and honest. After all there are women out there that are ok with dating a married man, but let her decide. Sadly the vast majority lie claiming to be single, separated, widowed or divorced.
This is by far my biggest complaint about online dating. My single male friends looking for love say many women online are also married and playing the field. I'll focus on my personal experiences and a few stories from my close girlfriends who continue to get duped by married men.
When using online dating, my goal is to find someone who is single, available and looking to build a future with. Single includes divorced or widowed, but the key is being available mentally and physically. Separated for me is still somewhat attached. Until everything is finalized and you have that divorce decree, you never know. Sadly many of these men claim to be looking for the same thing, but instead string you along with lie after lie. Not sure how they manage to juggle so many lies, especially when they are juggling several women at once! Eventually the truth comes out and our world comes crashing down around us. How do you not fall for someone you have chemistry with and see and talk to regularly? Why do they do this?
I get it to a point. We're in a long term relationship and things change. Two people can grow apart for many reasons; future goals change, children arrive, etc. Our priorities shift to adapt to life as it unfolds. I've seen couples drift apart when suddenly the woman gets promoted and makes more money than her husband, kids come too soon, there's a major illness....it could be anything. What we thought we wanted in our twenties changes with life experiences and the world around us. I had friends in high school that thought all they wanted to do was to become a wife and mother. No need for college or university, just get married, live in the house with the white picket fence, raise a family and live happily ever after. They thought they'd be perfectly content being a house wife for the rest of their lives. This school of thought largely attributable to our parents. Growing up our moms stayed at home and didn't work. Fast forward a few years and a couple of kids later, they feel bored and like they aren't contributing. They are dependent and feel stuck. The kids grow up and need you less and less and the woman is left at home feeling unfulfilled and out of touch with the world. For so long all that mattered was keeping the house in order, the kids, play dates, laundry, cooking, making sure the hubby is taken care of and running errands. When she looks around and sees what her other girl friends are doing with their careers, she feels a bit left out with no skills, education or training making it difficult to re-enter the workforce.
Children do take up a huge part of our time leaving little energy for our significant other. It's not easy. Having breast fed as long as 12 months, I totally understand how it becomes a challenge to regain that playfulness and intimacy we had in our earlier years together. Pregnancy can also throw us some curve balls making sex painful, impossible due to complications or simply uncomfortable which leaves our mate feeling deprived and unwanted. Trust me, after three high risk pregnancies I felt the same, not to mention looking like a beached whale does not make a woman feel the least bit attractive or sexy.
Why is it that society is far more forgiving when a man gains weight over the years? A woman puts on 20 pounds after having 3 kids and she's "let herself go" and "doesn't make the effort to look good". A man gains 20 pounds and it's the look of prosperity. I fail to understand how a woman even manages to gain weight when we're breastfeeding constantly when the kids are born, not sleeping or eating, then running after the kids non-stop as they grow. You'd think as the kids get older it should get easier, but instead now you have out of town sporting competitions, extra practices, sleep overs, school trips and fundraising events to name a few, in addition to your full-time job and responsibilities at home. Most days I'm lucky to get breakfast into me and unless there's a birthday or retirement party at work, no lunch either! Yes there are exceptions where a man does more around the house, but this is rare at least from my experience.
So back to the original topic. Why cheat? The way I see it, if you're not happy be honest and bow out gracefully. No matter what, someone is going to get hurt so why make it worse than it has to be? Why disgrace your family and cause irreparable damage? Be respectful, demonstrate integrity and avoid causing unnecessary pain especially when there are children involved. Are you trying to boost your ego? Do you need to add more knotches to your bed post? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Money seems to be a big driver. You don't want to divorce because you don't want to have to pay support or give up half of your assets, not to mention being on the hook for legal fees. Well, you may get away with cheating for a while, but sooner or later Karma is going to bite you in the ass and it will cost you far more. Remember, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.
For me the worse part is being labelled a home wrecker or husband stealer. Really??? Here's this lying cheat that claims to be available, whether that means single, divorced, widowed or separated, you give him the benefit of the doubt and then you're the one blamed when the wife finds out he's cheating. Talk about being blindsided when a wife calls you out of the blue or shows up on your doorstep making threats. That's not what I signed up for. If I ever go back to online dating, I'll be printing off the profile and after meeting do some research. Amazing the information you can find on a person when you do a Google search of their name! Try GEDS and Facebook too. Should a wife ever contact me again, she'll be getting a copy of this guy's profile and pictures along with any emails or texts where he has stated he is single and looking for his soul mate. You almost have to ask to see identification, the divorce decree, custody order and proof of employment because you just can't trust anyone anymore. Gone are the days when a man's word was worth something. Maybe I'm too old fashion, but honesty does not go out of style!
Food for thought, for those of you with daughters, do you want them being hurt by lying cheats? Let's not forget your sons, what kind of an example are you setting? Keep this in mind and treat others the way you want to be treated.
Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
