Ok, so I got lots of suggestions on changes I should make. I put more value on the comments from the guys as only they know how guys think.
Suggestions included:
- not using the words: open minded or outgoing. They are over used and can be interpreted the wrong way.
- inject a bit of humour to lighten it up, it sounded too serious.
- remove some of the interests like opera and learning languages.
- under the "what I'm looking for" section, remove some of the items the list was way too long. Focus on the most important qualities and must haves.
They all sounded reasonable. A friend came over and made the changes. Save! I was good to go!
7. Military Dude
There was a new email and the profile picture was of a man in uniform. What woman doesn't like seeing a man in uniform? I was intrigued. The email was short, but complimentary. His profile looked good. He was single, no children, had travelled extensively and was still in the military stationed in Petawawa. We exchanged emails for a couple of weeks and then decided to talk on the phone. He had a great voice and I enjoyed talking to him. During the third phone conversation, he said he needed to cut to the chase. He had a sister living in Orleans that he liked to visit on weekends when he had leave. Ultimately he needed a place to crash during those weekends and he'd be more than happy to provide sex in exchange for room and board. As far as he was concerned this was a fair trade and no one would feel taken advantage of, he'd even sleep on the couch.
SAY WHAT? I was speechless. Was this guy for real? We hadn't even met and he had all the details figured out, I guess my opinion didn't count. Did he honestly believe I would agree to this?
Me: "So, let me rephrase to make sure I heard you correctly. You want to crash and eat at my place most weekends, so you can come up and visit your sister and in exchange you'll pay me with sex?"
Him: "Yeah, good idea isn't it. So can we start as of this weekend?"
Me: "You've got to be kidding me. Absolutely not. This is insane, I don't even know you!"
Him: "Oh sorry, yeah maybe we should have met for coffee first. I look like my picture, it's all good. I don't need much space and I'll eat pretty much anything. Your kids are not a problem for me."
Me: "I have an even better idea!"
Him: "Really, do you have an extra bedroom?"
Me: "Hell no, you have a sister in Orleans and you're coming to visit her so just sleep at her place!"
Him: "No, it's too crazy at her place with the kids and their pets, not much room for me there. My idea is way better and you'd be benefitting."
Me: "Unfortunately, I don't agree with you. This is beyond insulting. Good luck finding someone to take you up on your offer! Have a nice life."
He continued to email, obviously he had an issue with a woman turning him down. I eventually had to block him. Next!
8. The Ice-cream Man
This guy didn't have a profile picture. His email was fairly long. He was divorced, claimed to be a marketing executive, lived just outside of Ottawa and had 2 kids with joint custody. He said he didn't post his picture for professional reasons, but could send one by email. Obviously he read my profile as he touched on several points. He especially enjoyed my humour which made him laugh out loud.
We emailed a bit and then I suggested talking on the phone. He had a great voice and we seemed to have a lot in common. His kids were a bit older, but he'd always wanted more children so he was excited that I had 3. This was unusual, most guys go running for hills when they hear I have 3 kids!
About a week later, we met for lunch. He said he was a marketing executive for Nestle Canada. I asked what exactly his work entailed. He seemed to hesitate. All he could say is that he verified product placement and travelled throughout Ottawa and some of the townships to the various stores that carried Nestle products, mostly the ice-cream line. A perk was that he got to bring home all the ice-cream he wanted.
A few days later he showed up at my office with a box of ice-cream for me and my co-workers. They were Haagen-Dazs minis. Everyone was thrilled. I later noticed they were expired, but whatever it's the thought that counts right? Found out later he was a delivery guy that stocked the shelves at the various grocery stores and removed the expired products. A+ for giving himself a creative title!
For some reason, there was a red flag. Something seemed off. He was very inconsistent. I usually only heard from him when he was working, very rarely from home, but I had both his cell and home number. One afternoon at work, my phone rang and I looked to see if I recognized the number. It was him calling from home. This was out of character, something wasn't right. I managed a toll free number at work, so I responded with our usual spiel.
Me: "------------ services, how may I help you?"
It was a woman's voice.
Her: "Where am I calling?"
Me: "This is ----------------- are you experiencing problems with your IT services, can I dispatch a technician?"
Her: "No, I'm sorry I think I've called the wrong number."
Not long after, he called me from his cell.
Me: "Hi there, where are you?"
Him: "On the road, working near Cornwall today."
Me: "That's interesting, someone just called me at work from your home number."
Him: "Oh honey, that's impossible no one is home."
Me: "Really, it was a woman."
Him: "You're mistaken, must have been a different number."
Me: "Oh wait, I have the conference call feature on my phone, I'm going to dial your home number right now to verify. Maybe there's an intruder in the house."
Him: "No, don't do that!"
Me: "Why honey, what's wrong? It's not a problem hold on it'll only take a second."
Him: "No wait, don't. It was my wife."
Me: "You're wife? OMG! Unbelievable. Maybe I should call her afterall!
Him: "Please don't. I'm sorry. I hope I can still see you."
Me: "I don't have time for this shit. You can explain to your wife who she called, I'm not getting thrown into the middle of this. Have a nice life!"
Him: "I'm sorry. What did you say to her?"
Me: "Good bye, don't ever call me again."
So much for tweaking my profile to get better quality potential suiters. It felt like a dream, or should I say nightmare, was this really happening? I only drink socially, don't take any meds prescription or otherwise and don't smoke any thing so sadly, this was definitely real.
That's ok, Canada has a population of millions and there are good people out there. Just have to be patient and continue on. Sigh............
9. The Law Enforcement Officer.
Not long after that fiasco, I received a nice email. He was divorced with twin girls close in age to my kids. He said he worked in law enforcement and had full custody of his girls. Due to his job, he couldn't have his picture posted, but he attached the picture to his email. He was tall, dark and relatively handsome. After a couple of emails, we talked on the phone. I wasn't interested in a long email exchange given my experiences to date.
We talked about our kids and work. He said he worked for the RCMP. The best way to determine chemistry was to talk in person, so he extended a dinner invite. I agreed. We met the following week at a restaurant in the market.
He was waiting for me at the entrance. They seated us at a nice table near a window. It was cold out, so we took off our coats and gloves and sat down. As I glanced over at my date, my stomach did a back flip.
OMG, this is not happening to me!!! He was wearing a wedding band. So much for being divorced. I didn't know what to do. After quickly considering my options, I decided I was going to have a wonderful dinner and wait until the end to confront him.
Coincidentally, I was very hungry that night. I had an appetizer, main course and dinner followed by dessert and coffee. The conversation flowed well, not that I was paying much attention or contributing. I was more focused on concealing my anger and trying very hard to remain cordial.
The bill came and he paid.
Him: "That was wonderful. I really enjoy your company. It's early, would you like to go for a walk?"
Me: "Thank you for dinner. May I ask you a question?"
Him: "Sure, anything."
Me: "Is it customary for you to wear your wedding ring when you're meeting someone for the first time?"
The colour drained from his face.
Him: "This isn't a wedding ring!"
Me: "Really? Then what is it?"
Him: "It's my school ring."
Me: "School ring? I didn't fall off a turnip truck yesterday. I have a school ring and I can tell you that they have your birthstone in the centre with your school name and the date you graduated carved around it. Furthermore, it is worn on your middle finger, not your wedding ring finger, but nice try! What you're wearing is without a doubt a wedding band."
Him: "Well technically I'm still married because my divorce is not final."
Me: "Good bye, forget you ever met me and don't contact me again. Men like you make me sick. I feel so sorry for your wife, she deserves better. Sooner or later the truth always comes out, grow up!"
This was going even worse than I could have ever imagined. Why was this happening to me? Did I mention I needed a few drinks that night?
Dateless in Ottawa
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