Needless to say, Mr. Yoga never responded to my email. Next!
2. Mr. Threesome
This gentleman looked attractive. Again it was the tall, dark and handsome that got my initial attention. He had a long profile with varied interests and sounded like an intelligent and fun person. When I opened the email, it was quite long. I was impressed, I'm a sucker for a good writer. He touched on many things in my profile. I appreciated he took the time to read it and wrote a thoughtful email. The email started off really well and then all of sudden, I couldn't believe what I was reading. He was looking for a muse to spice up his sex life with his wife. They both thought I was attractive. Great, both sexes find me attractive there's a positive spin! He was kind enough to go into detail as to what they wanted to do. Wow, I can only imagine how many shades of red my face turned.
My response went something like this:
Dear Mr. Threesome,
Thank you for your email. Personally, intimacy is something I share with only one person.
Best of luck with your search!
This was not good, but I didn't let it discourage me. After all, there were a few more emails in my inbox. I was just getting the bad ones out of the way first, it would be smooth sailing from here on. Or so I thought!
3. Mr. Former Football Player
This profile didn't have a picture or too much information. Back then many profiles didn't have pictures. That didn't bother me. As much as attraction is necessary, looks fade and it doesn't mean good looks = gentleman. Over time I demanded to see a picture before meeting someone, but I was still too new and naïve at this point.
He wrote regularly and it was obvious he read my profile based on his comments. His children were a bit older, but he was ok with me having 3 young ones and said his kids would be thrilled to have other kids to play with.
He described himself as being:
Divorced with joint custody of his kids
Tall 6'3"
Above average looks
Military brush cut
Built like a football player
After emailing and talking on the phone for a couple of weeks I agreed to meet for lunch. The restaurant was close to work. I had an hour so worst case it doesn't go well I just head back to the office. I arrived a few minutes early. Since he said he was 6'3, I decided to wear 4" heels which made me 5'11". He had made reservations. The hostess said he hadn't arrived yet. All of a sudden there was a tap on my shoulder.
Him: "Hey there, it's me! I watched you walking down the street to the restaurant. You're beautiful and look better than your picture."
I was taken off guard, who was this? This guy must think I'm someone else. My date was supposed to be 6'3. He seemed surprised I didn't recognize him. Did I work with this guy? Oh no, this was my date! Sigh............
Me: "Thank you!"
Standing there at the entrance, we were eye to eye. There was no way he was 6'3. Brush cut? Sorry, that's called a comb over. Above average looks and built like a football player? Spare tire mid section perhaps, but no traces of broad shoulders or football player physique. Profile stated he was a few years older than me, but he looked much older than 40.
I held my tongue and was polite. We ordered lunch and made some small talk, he was nice. I was somewhat upset and disappointed. In my mind I kept thinking - "Please don't ask me for my opinion of you". I'm honest and straight forward and find it hard to sugar coat or say what I think the person wants to hear. If you're looking for unwarranted flattery and compliments, I'm definitely not the person you should talk to.
Lunch arrived and we started to eat. He went on and on about how happy he was to meet me and how pleasantly surprised he was. My picture and online description don't do me justice. Then he asked the dreaded question.
Him: "So, what do you think of me? Do I look just like the description I wrote or better?"
I took another bite pondering how to break it to him gently.
Me: "Well, you don't look exactly like I expected."
Him: "I look better right, not bad for 40?"
Me: "I guess for your age, but I expected you to be taller. You said you were 6'3."
Him: "I am 6'3."
Me: "Today I'm 5'11 with my heels and when we're standing, we're eye to eye so my guess is you're around 5'10-5'11."
Him: "I'm 6'3, have been for years. Anything else?"
At this point I was beyond annoyed and he was causing a scene, so I let him have it.
Me: "You described yourself as being above average in looks and built like a football player with a military brush cut. I'm sorry, but you don't live up to any of those descriptions. When writing a profile and describing yourself, best to under sell and over deliver. Personally I'd rather describe myself as being average. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I'll leave it to my date to decide what he thinks of me."
Him: "You're beautiful and better than your picture, you should change your profile to above average."
Me: "Thank you, I'll leave it the way it is."
Him: "But I look just like the way I described myself."
Me: "I don't see a football player physique. I know several and the guys are built like a fridge with really broad shoulders, small waists and extremely tall. I'm sorry, I don't see it. Perhaps when you were in college, but certainly not now."
He calls the waiter over. The waiter was probably over 6' tall. He stands up and says:
Him: "How tall are you?"
Waiter: "6' tall."
Him: "Well I'm 6'3 and she doesn't believe me."
OMG I was mortified. I apologized to the waiter as he looked down at my date, and I asked for the bill. Other tables were starring. It was time to go. I said I had to get back for a meeting.
Him: "I'll walk you back."
Me: "No thanks, I'm fine."
Him: "I insist."
Great! Got to my building and a colleague came over to say hello. Dan was 6'3 so I took this opportunity to further make my point. Big mistake!
Me: "This is a friend of mine Dan, he is 6'3."
Him: "Hi, yeah me too see?" as he stands there looking up at Dan.
My colleague came to see me later to ask what the hell that was all about. I got lectured and was told that next time I'd be going with a chaperone because there are way too many weirdos out there.
When I got home that night after the kids' swimming lessons, Mr. Former Football Player had left 9 voice messages, each one increasing in anger. My number was unlisted, yet he managed to find me somehow and had showed up at my house. He left a voice message with a detailed inventory of what he had seen looking through my living room window and gave me an assessment of what my lawn needed. There was also a card in my mailbox. I was terrified. My best friend came over to stay with us. When he called again I told him I didn't think this would work, it was great meeting him and thanks again for lunch. He was so angry, no was not an acceptable answer. Sadly the threat of calling the police was necessary. For weeks I was in constant fear that he'd show up again. I changed my number and made the neighbours aware of what had happened so they could keep an eye on my house.
This was not going quite how I expected. I took a bit of a break as I was still afraid and the last thing I wanted to do was put my children in danger. I had to rethink and develop a new approach.
Dateless in Ottawa
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