Until I met Mr. Grizzly, I thought I knew what chivalry was. A gentleman holding a door for you, ladies first, walking on the outside of the sidewalk to protect you from traffic or getting splashed by cars driving through puddles, etc. The man asks you out and makes the first move. With my parents, Dad would carry all the grocery bags and follow Mom around the store. When they went out, he always paid. Back then it was unheard of for a woman to even offer to pay.
If we look back, the reason why men always paid was because women didn't work. Men were typically the bread winners and sole supporters of the family. That was their role, while women stayed home and tended to the house while raising the children and caring for their husband. My parents were a bit more modern in that Dad didn't want Mom to work, but when they were first married he was often out of work. I came along soon after they were married and bills had to be paid. They were also sending money back home to help out their families so they did what they had to do to make ends meet. We adapt to our circumstances.
In my long-term relationships and many dating experiences, the men did pay most of the time. My ex pretty much paid for everything at least the major items, but sucked when it came to chivalry. My salary went towards groceries, things for the house, insurance, birthday and Christmas gifts, cell phones, etc. When the children were born, I further took care of the daycare expenses and everything related to the kids; clothes, diapers, formula, toys, school supplies, etc.
With my husband things were split. My children were not his biological children, so I kept those expenses separate. It was different, but with blended families things change. He was attentive and thoughtful, but again lacked a bit in the chivalry department.
Mr. Grizzly, on the other hand, took chivalry to the nth degree! The first time he came to pick me up he opened the truck door for me and helped me in. When we arrived at the restaurant and parked, he told me not to move. I thought he was going to get something out of the back, but instead he appeared at my door, opened it and helped me out. This was his MO. He always paid, there was no bigger insult than me offering to pay or trying to pay without him noticing. I had a hard time with that as I like to treat too! At restaurants I sat first and he'd push in the chair, if I was getting up he'd stand and then help me with my coat. I was to order first and get served first, he didn't hesitate to correct servers. When out grocery shopping he pushed the cart, paid and carried all the bags. Same for all kinds of shopping and he never complained. That summer I broke my ankle and had to wear a cast. He took me grocery shopping. When we got to the store he dropped me off at the main entrance and told me not to move. He parked the truck, got a shopping cart and met me at the entrance. All I was to do was tell him what I needed and he'd grab it and put it in the cart. When we were done, I was to wait out front with the cart while he went to get the truck. He helped me in then loaded all the groceries. I always had to walk on the inside of the sidewalk. After being out, I had to text or call to let him know I made it home safely. One night I forgot to call, well, I didn't hear the end of it. He almost drove over to my house to make sure we were ok. Really nice when someone genuinely cares, to me it's worth far more than someone buying me things.
From my experience, I find that men working in blue collar jobs are far more chivalrous and respectful than their counterparts with professional designations. Chivalry gets my attention and more often than not, will keep it. Sadly it isn't practiced as widely as it used to be. I don't understand why. Most of the men I dated were my age or older so they definitely would have been exposed to it growing up in varying degrees. I have a hard time believing they don't know what it is. In younger guys, I get it, but men in their 50's should know better.
Yes there are some feminists that put down chivalry claiming they are capable of doing everything themselves and don't need a man to do anything for them, but I find that ridiculous. If a man opens a door for me, I feel flattered and grateful. He's not doing it because he thinks I'm not capable, it's done out of courtesy and respect. How insulting when a woman yells at a man for offering her a seat or opening a door for her. If you don't want it, behave like a polite civilized member of society and simply say no thank you. Why the need to cause a scene and berate someone for doing something nice? No need to be rude and ignorant, just think of how bad you look. He's better off without you!
They should teach some of these basic morals and principles at school. Growing up it was drilled into us at school, home and church. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's not complicated. Since we can only control our own behaviour, I always treat others with respect. If they can't appreciate that and return the favour, they are not for me.
Like my Mother always said, "A woman should know how to do everything on her own, but a real man will not let her."
Food for thought, when in doubt be chivalrous!
Dateless in Ottawa
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