My last post was a bit too sad and serious, so time to inject a bit of humour to lift everyone's spirits.
Anyone who knows me at all, knows I don't do well with insects or rodents. We won't even talk about my cockroach experiences while travelling around the world. I've gotten better with spiders. As long as they don't exceed 2" in diameter I can manage, anything larger and we have a problem Houston! Here are a few funny stories involving bugs and rodents while in a relationship or on dates.
1. The Giant Spider
I got up one morning and was heading to work. When I openned the front door to leave I found a huge spider sitting on the welcome mat looking up at me. Obviously he was extremely mistaken to assume he was welcome, but nevertheless he was there and I couldn't get to my car. Up the stairs I went to wake my ex.
Me: "Wake up, there's a huge spider outside the door. I need to get to work so you have to come downstairs and kill it."
- I failed to mention he'd been working nights so waking him up at 6:30 am was not a good thing.
Him: "It's 6:30 am, I'm not going downstairs to kill a spider. Jump over it or go out the garage door."
Me: "No, seriously I think it's a tarantula. It might bite someone, please you have to come down stairs."
Him: "I'm not kidding. Get to work and let me sleep!"
Me: "But I can't get to the car. You have to come down, I'm serious it's really big."
Him: "I swear to God, if I go downstairs and it's a dinky little spider, I will slap you."
- Half asleep, he heads downstairs in his boxers and opens the front door. You had to see the look on his face. He slams the door shut immediately.
Him: "Holy F---! Where the hell did that come from? How the f--- do I kill that?"
Me: "I told you it was big. Maybe someone's pet escaped, I don't know."
- This thing was the size of my ex's hand and he had big hands. It was dark brown and furry. You could even see it's eyes, all of them! When I moved, it moved. It totally looked like a tarantula, but bigger than the ones you see at the pet shop. My ex put on his steel toes, opened the door and stomped on it. If the neighbours were out that would have been quite the scene. A man in boxers, wearing steel toes and stomping around like he was doing a bad country line dance. All you heard was crunch, crunch, crunch. It was so gross, I thought I was going to be sick. My ex didn't look too thrilled either.
Him: "Holy smokes, I can't believe this. Ok, it's dead. Are you happy now? Go to work."
I even made him move it out of the way. He wouldn't touch it so he got a shovel and broom from the garage. See, even big guys don't like big spiders!
I told the story to the guys at work and they roared with laughter. Turns out my colleague's wife had found two of these suckers in their basement! Good thing it wasn't me, I'd be moving for sure! These are dock spiders and can get quite large. They totally look like furry tarantulas. I survived! Lol
2. Adventure with squirrels
Don't get me wrong, squirrels are really cute. Growing up they managed to get into our roof and you'd hear them racing in the ceiling at night. Very annoying and freaky, anyways.
I go on a first date with a guy and we decide to go sit on the benches by Dows Lake to talk. Suddenly something hits my foot. I couldn't figure out what it was, so I ignored it. Then it happened again and I jumped off the bench.
Him: "Are you ok?"
Me: "Yeah, something hit my foot again and it's coming from over there."
Him: "Really? I didn't see anything."
- I sit down and we pick up where we left off. Again I get hit and then my date gets hit too.
Him: "What was that? "
Me: "I don't know, I've been hit a couple of times already. Thought it was just me."
Him: "No, I just got hit in the head."
- We walked over to a near by tree and low and behold there's a squirrel. It starts to chatter really loudly and throws another nut. Maybe it was a female and it had a nest, who knows but this squirrel was not happy that we were there. The little bugger had a great aim and wouldn't stop. We had to leave. What a way to end a date!
3. The snake and a spider
As if spiders aren't enough, throw a snake into the mix and I'm done. My date better have ear plugs cause you'll hear my screams for miles!
My date plans a day out hiking. As much as I like hiking and the outdoors, I don't do well with bugs, rodents or snakes. I'm a city girl, but it's all good. I'm adaptable and always willing to try new things. So off we go and we're having a great time. I'd been keeping an eye on my surroundings and slowly let my guard down. No matter how small the spider, I'll see it. Out of no where comes a snake. Well, I screamed and bolted out of that quarry faster than you can say stop. My date comes running over to see what the problem is.
Him: "Are you ok? What's wrong?"
Me: "There's a snake."
Him: "Where?"
Me: "Over there."
- Of course, he had to go look for it. It was big and black.
Him: "Oh look, it's just a garter snake. These guys are harmless."
- Whatever, not interested. Garter snake or not, I won't be petting it so I turn to go in the opposite direction when a spider crawls out from between the rocks! I honestly don't know how I didn't fall and kill myself. Let's just say my date got a great ab workout laughing at me. I'm happy to report the rest of the day went really well and this was definitely a top 5 date that I'll talk about in another post.
4. Rats
We were going to watch a movie, but it was early so we decided to go grab a coffee at Timmy's. The one on King Edward was the closest. Since they don't have seating, we sat in the truck and talked. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I had seen something move when we parked, but I ignored it. My date is talking away and again I notice something move. My date quickly realized I wasn't paying attention to the conversation and seemed very annoyed with me. As you can see it doesn't take much to distract me when there's bugs or rodents around! Lol
Him: "What's wrong? Are you ok?"
Me: "There's a rat."
Him: "What? There's no rats here. Look, there's people walking around. Must be a squirrel."
- All of sudden there were several. They were coming out of the garbage bin and walking around the parking lot. Strange because there were a lot of people walking around that night and cars coming in and out of the parking lot.
Me: "Oh no, it's a rat and he has several friends."
Him: "Where are you looking, I don't see them?"
Me: "Look, right there!"
Him: "Oh Shit! If there's that many out here, imagine how many they might have inside and there's other restaurants around here. Thank goodness we didn't get food. I won't be coming back here again. Ok, let's go."
Needless to say we didn't enjoy our coffees and we left. Sadly this date didn't end well, but that's another story.
I hope you managed to laugh a bit. Looking back I can laugh now, but at the time these things were happening I didn't find it funny. No doubt my dates were thoroughly amused at my expense, but it's all good. Making others laugh is better than making them cry, unless they're laughing so hard they're crying!
Have a great night!
Dateless in Ottawa
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