The last several months were a blur. After my husband died, I had completely pulled away from everything and everyone except my kids. Family members had taken turns coming to stay with us to help out so I could go to all kinds of fun appointments and travel back and forth to Alberta to deal with the case and the estate. It was a nightmare; lawyers, courts, police, RCMP, government agencies, insurance companies, banks, service providers, memberships....and the list goes on and on. The volume of paperwork was beyond insane. If you die and you have no one, who fills out all that damned paperwork?
I was far more comfortable in my deep black hole by myself, away from the world. Family and friends were extremely concerned about me. They didn't recognize me, I was very different. Reality hit me when my son said he was afraid. Mommy was sad all the time and didn't seem able to function. The kids were used to having a strong Mom that ran a tight ship, there was nothing she couldn't do. Now they were scared because I didn't talk much, cried lots and seemed lost all the time. Things had to change this. I'd been off work on leave for 4 months. I decided to take the kids away on a vacation to visit family for a few weeks and then go back to work full-time. My brain needed to start working again. A regular routine would help us all get back on track. Slowly but surely I felt a bit better and we fell into what was now our new life or the new "normal."
Eventually I realized how lonely I felt. I dreaded nights, that was the most difficult time for me. Going upstairs to bed was torture. For months I had slept on the couch in the living room. I hated being alone in that bed and that room. Too many memories and reminders of what would never be again. One day I mustered up the courage to go through everything and got rid of his stuff. Some items I sent to his family other things I donated, the rest I put away. It was hard, but it was time and it had to be done.
Next I had to find the strength and courage to look for love again. The thought of having to start all over was terrifying, but the thought of being alone was far worse. A couple of relatives said I'd get used to being alone after a while, this coming from older ladies well into their sixties. Hello, I was only 43! Others said given my bad luck with men maybe I should just swear off men completely and resign myself to the fact that I'd be better off alone. What? Thank you! That gave me tons of confidence, just what I needed to hear. I know they meant well, but it made me feel worse.
After being off the market for almost 5 1/2 years, what was I supposed to do? Oh my God, online dating??? Not sure what was more horrifying, being along or the thought of having to subject myself to self-esteem and ego abuse on an online dating site. I was going to grief counselling so I asked my counsellor for her opinion. She looked excited and thought it was a great idea. At the very least I'd get out and meet people. Scheduling dates would not only give me a reason to go out but force me out of the black hole I'd been living in. Being locked up at home was not healthy. I had always been a very social and outgoing person, I had to find myself again and start living. She suggested I aim for making new friends as a way to ease into it slowly and keep my expectations in check.
I drafted a profile and found a few recent pictures. I didn't like them, but they would have to do. Once again I wasn't going to pay to find someone, so POF it was! I created a profile, but kept it hidden. I decided not to tell anyone for fear of being judged. Some told me I had to grieve for a minimum of 2 years. In our culture, if your husband passes away you remain alone out of respect. My grandmother was widowed in her late twenties and never looked at another man. She wore black until the day she died. How sad! All of a sudden there was no lack of grief experts ready to lecture me...lovely just what I needed!
The profile was created and ready to go, but I wasn't. As I browsed through the profiles I recognized several of the men. Wow, how could things change so little in 5 1/2 years? It didn't give me much hope. Maybe I should wait? I finally confided in my best friend. She was extremely supportive and said she'd be happy to help me screen the men and babysit when I went out on dates.
Ok, I can do this. I held my breath and jumped in with both feet! The profile was unhidden and I waited patiently for the emails to appear in my inbox.
Stay tuned for more online dating adventures. I promise you won't be disappointed. With a guarantee of mystery, intrigue, joy, drama, romance, sadness and countless other emotions maybe they'll be turned into a movie one day! Lol
Thanks for reading!
Dateless in Ottawa
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