Going back to work was hard. Everyone looked at me funny and didn't know what to say. They knew what had happened and tried to be supportive, but it was really awkward. Unless you've been touched by it, many don't know much about suicide. It's taboo, something you don't talk about. I'd break down and start crying for no reason. Worse when it happened in meetings and I'd have to bolt suddenly from the boardroom. I felt horrible making everyone feel like they were walking on egg shells when I was around, but it was out of my control. A simple word, scent or a song could set me off. I never knew when or why, the tears would just start flowing.
Even more amazing is how cruel people can be. A couple of guys joked, "Some wife you must have been, your husband killed himself. Ha, ha, we're just kidding!" Too late dudes, the damage was done. OMG really? Trust me, I didn't need any help in the guilt department. There were others dying for more details. How did he do it? What did he look like? Some people are so macabre, what difference does it make? Those you think will be the most compassionate and sympathetic behave the worst. I much preferred my deep, dark hole away from the world, but that wasn't reality.
Something to keep in mind: You can take back what you said, but you can never take away the way you made the person feel.
What I found most insulting was having two married men I knew well proposition me. They said I needed to have fun and obviously I hadn't had sex in a while so I should be due. Wow, I was floored. How disgusting! Even worse when you know the wife too! OMG, what were they thinking? Obviously they were thinking with the wrong head, they were the ones that were desperate, not me! Unbelievable! How did I become the poor lonely, desperate widow looking for sex?
Thankfully, the majority were very kind and sympathetic. They'd lend me their shoulder when their words of condolence made me cry. Hugs made a big difference too. Overall, I was very well surrounded. I just had to learn to ask for and accept help.
Online dating would serve as a bit of a distraction taking my mind away from all the paperwork and sadness. I had many years ahead of me and more good memories to create. One day I would be happy again, I just had to be patient.
Round 13
3. The Grizzly
Another email came in. It was brief and polite. He asked me to look at his profile and let him know if I was interested. He was single, had no children and worked for the government. What stood out was that he was 6'3! I'm a sucker for height. The profile was simple, I could tell he wasn't a writer. When I looked at his picture and his interests, I didn't think we had much in common. Also he was 50 and I had a 1 1/2 year old, usually a deal breaker. He looked familiar, I was sure I had seen him at a meeting or at work. Based on the profile, he seemed to be an outdoorsy type enjoying fishing and hunting and that wasn't me. Given that he was polite and made the effort, I was compelled to respond.
We emailed a bit. I told him about the kids and that I was widowed. He asked if we could meet for coffee. I agreed. He said he would call in the morning. He was going to be downtown and we could decide where to meet. He called when he said he would, I liked that.
I loved his voice on the phone, it was deep and sexy and he was funny. He came over to my building. I ran right into him as I was going out the door to meet him and immediately recognized him. We had never talked, but had crossed paths many times. His boss was previously my boss. He looked better than his picture. He was definitely 6'3 and stalky with dark hair. It was a beautiful day so we sat outside by the canal. He was nervous and talked a mile a minute while pacing. I was my usual quiet self. He had to ask me questions to get me to speak. We had a nice time, but I wasn't sure. Part of me felt guilty. We both had other meetings to get to so we said good bye. He gave me a hug and said we'd talk later.
When I got home and started preparing dinner that evening, I looked down at my hands and realized I was still wearing my engagement and wedding rings. OMG! Geez, I was wearing them when I met Mr. Gelato too! My biggest pet peeve when meeting a guy for the first time and I go and do it to someone else. I felt horrible, I can only imagine what thoughts must have been going through his mind. "Great, a married woman!" We had talked about my husband's death, but who knows how many women he'd already met that lied to him. No way he was going to call me and I didn't blame him. Worst part was, I couldn't take my rings off. Since my wedding day I had never taken them off, they were part of me. My husband was gone, but I still felt married. How crazy was that? I sat and cried. I debated whether I should delete my profile, I wasn't sure I was ready to date.
I needed to sit and think.
More to come!
Dateless in Ottawa
No comments:
Post a Comment