Not surprising that I was feeling like online dating was getting the better of me. I was discouraged, tired and so dispirited. By the same token, my parents always taught us that nothing worth having comes easy so I pushed myself to venture on. I'm very stubborn and determined. I don't give up easily. I succeed in all other areas of life, dammit why is dating so freaking difficult???
The last experience of Round 34:
7. The French Engineer
A message had appeared in my inbox that someone had added me as a favourite. He was the same age as me, 6', divorced, had hazel eyes and a shaved head with a goatee. His profile pictures were ok, he looked overweight and a bit frumpy. A couple of pictures were from trips abroad to Asia so it was obvious he's travelled. There were also a few of him enjoying food at different restaurants. Our interests were similar. It said he was an engineer. The profile said he had children. It was nice that he also lived in the same city as me which is very rare.
I emailed him and touched on a few things from his profile. I also noted that I had yet to visit China so I was a little envious. He replied immediately.
We emailed for a bit then moved to texting. He was a great writer and had a great sense of humour. Soon after he suggested talking on the phone to plan a date. He had a great voice and a cute French accent. We texted and spoke regularly in English and French and finally planned a date. He often worked late so he suggested drinks in the market one night.
When I walked into the restaurant he was waiting for me at the entrance. I almost fell over when I saw him. OMG, he was gorgeous. He looked way better than his picture. Some people are just not photogenic, this was confirmed when he sent me a picture a few days later of him in his tacky plaid day costume. He was also taller which is not usually the case. He had to be at least 6'3" and dressed really well. We both ordered martinis and had a great conversation. He was originally from Montreal, but had worked all over the US and had travelled to Europe and Asia on business.
I was thrilled to learn he had a 6-year old son. This was perfect, I have a 6-year old daughter. He'd totally understand that parenting responsibilities come first. Sadly he explained his son was autistic and didn't speak at all. There were many challenges and it was difficult. He had joint custody of his son with his ex and that relationship was not very good. Sounded like they were not on the same page with parenting styles and didn't agree on activities their son should participate in.
We both enjoyed fine dining, travel and movies. Languages was another passion. He asked me what language I wanted to learn next and when I said Russian, I was shocked to learn he spoke it fluently. I'd have a teacher and he wanted to learn Spanish. In his case he didn't go out when he had his son and made it clear that this would not change as his son had special needs and he made the most of the time he had with him. Travel was a challenge and he now avoided work related trips because he hated being away from his son. We talked about my kids, our jobs, family and current events. The converstation flowed freely and we laughed throughout. At the end he gave me a hug and kissed me on both cheeks. I was disappointed he didn't offer to walk me to my car, but whatever.
I wasn't sure how he felt about me after the first date, but he texted that night to thank me for joining him and then again first thing the next morning. Then we made plans to go out again the following week as he had his son for the weekend and was going to Montreal to visit his parents.
We talked and texted daily and he was more often than not the initiator. I really enjoyed talking to him and things seemed to be going well. One night while we were talking my youngest walked in on me babbling away as usual. I told her Mommy was on the phone, I'd come see her afterwards. The phone was dead on the other end. He finally spoke and I could tell he was upset. He said, "She's so cute, I wish my son could speak. I've never heard him say I love you Dad." It broke my heart. I can't imagine and didn't know how to respond.
Later that week he was really excited one night and called me. His son had spoken! During dinner he said, "Yogurt please." OMG, he could speak he just refused to. We went out again and met at the casino for drinks. I don't know where the time went. We arrived at 7:00 pm and all of a sudden it was 1:00 am and we both had to work in the morning. He walked me to my truck, I was thrilled! Then I drove him to his car. He was a perfect gentleman, I wish he would have kissed me but oh well all in time. We made plans for the next several weeks.
One of the weeks he was going to make me dinner when I got back from a business trip and we planned our regular date night. I'd make dinner the following week and we'd go to his cottage afterwards. It was great that we lived so close to each other. I went on my business trip to Toronto. Sadly that week there was the incident with the van that killed 10 pedestrians. I was working not too far away. All day people were trying to reach me, but work was insane and I had turned off my cell phone. My colleagues and I had no idea what was going on outside until later that afternoon. Suddenly we couldn't leave the building where we were working. There was police everywhere. My Dad was watching my kids and trying to call me and finally got through. I was horrified when I learned what had happened. We had not been told to avoid panic.
Well, that incident did not sit well with my date. He was extremely upset and said this was a perfect example of how business travel is not good when we have kids. We texted into the night, he wanted to make sure I got back to the hotel safely and then that was it. I never heard from him again. No more texts, no more phone calls. I knew he had a huge deadline that week and there were major design flaws with the prototype he was working on so I figured he was just busy working on it to meet the deadline. A week later, still no word and he wasn't responding to any of my texts or voice messages. I was beyond disappointed. I left a message letting him know I was worried and if he needed anything to feel free to reach out anytime.
For a change things had appeared to be taking a turn for the better with online dating, then just as quickly and unexpectedly as it began, he disappears! He seemed so genuine, we got along and had made plans for weeks in advance. How could this happen? Why didn't he respond?
I waited a couple of weeks and figured that was it. I hadn't been on POF in almost 2 months since we started dating. Low and behold the moment I logged in his profile was the first to appear. He had updated his profile and added new pictures. I was so upset. What a slap in the face. If my travel was an issue or he had met someone else, fine just say so. A grown adult and he doesn't have the balls to be honest? Even more disappointing when the individual is well educated and a professional.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I couldn't do this any more. Time for a break, Round 34 was officially over and sadly not because I'd finally found a man. Thankfully there was a lot more travel coming up for work so I'd be too busy to date anyways. Not sure when or if I'll come back, this really hit me hard. I tried not to allow myself to get too excited, but after 2 months and all the plans we'd made things looked optimistic. How can one not get excited and stop looking? I've always been a one guy at a time type of gal, I'm not interested in juggling or playing games. I already have a full-time job and overbooked schedule, I don't have time to waste. He came across so sincere and honest.
It's the age old question....WHY? Obviously I'll never know the answer. Just very cowardly of a guy to cut off all communication cold turkey and jump right back onto POF. Did he not think I'd see his profile? Or wait, was that intentional because he didn't have the balls to tell me he was no longer interested? Hell at this point, just text if you can't tell a person on the phone or in person. But I guess that would be too much work. I'll leave it to Karma.
Off to heal my bruised ego. Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
Saturday, 1 September 2018
Tuesday, 28 August 2018
Online Dating and the definition of being employed
My have times changed. Some may not appreciate this post. Yes, I'm angry and frustrated and need to vent. When did it become acceptable and common place for men in their forties and fifties to be living off of their parents? Or what about those living off of social assistance or disability benefits? Don't get me wrong, we do have social and disability programs in place to help those that need it. Anyone can fall on hard times or sustain an injury at work and need some help, but when it's gone on for countless years with no effort to go back to school to learn new skills, look for work or they are not following any kind of treatment program (whether medical or otherwise) in an effort to improve their physical or mental health, in my opinion they are abusing the system. Even worse when they brag about it and provide me with tips on how to prolong it. Are you kidding me??? Is that suppose to make you more appealing to me? The fact that you are not working is bad enough, not to mention you lied about having a job, do you need to make it worse? Trust me, you need to quit while you're behind. These programs are intended to be temporary to help you through a rough patch, kind of like a bridge loan. They are not to be used indefinitely by those that are able and capable of working. I'm floored at how many men I communicate with online who state in their online dating profiles they are employed or have a career/profession, but after exchanging a few emails or having a telephone conversation I quickly discover they are actually not working and many haven't worked in years! Do they not understand the question or what it means to be gainfully employed, have a job, a career, a profession or work? You'd think this would be a very simple yes or no question. Either you're working and collecting a pay cheque or not. If you're retired or independently wealthy, that's a different story.
It's extremely difficult to accept the excuses provided by these men that claim to be seeking a relationship. At this stage in life, many of these men also have children. I can't imagine not being able to provide for my kids. Plus, let's be completely honest dating costs money. You don't have to spend a fortunate going out, but you do have to have some money to take your date our for coffee or a movie. Having friends with severe medical limitation like being 100% blind or having full blown MS that work full-time and refuse to apply for benefits because they feel they would be abusing the system makes these men look even worse.
What happened to self-pride, having a strong work ethic, success and a feeling of accomplishment? Being able to say, "I did it myself." "My hard work has paid off." I know everyone is different and levels of resiliency vary, but it's very scary when these able individuals hang off the skirt/coat tales of their parents or cry victim because they worked under the table, got hurt and now have no benefits and somehow this is society's fault. Quite the burden to put on aging parents who have worked their entire lives. The sense of entitlement and attitude makes me furious. They show no guilt and there's no sense of urgency. Very sad and what a negative example for their children. These guys seem to be looking for a sugar mommy to further supplement their existence. No thanks, I'll pass. My guy friends tell me similar stories about women they meet online.
Saying you are "between jobs" is a more fancy and positive way of spinning the fact that you are unemployed. In some cases this is true, I've lived it myself. Life is full of surprises, anyone can lose their job at any time. Job security is a luxury that no longer exists. Sadly this does not appear to be the case with men using online dating. The last six guys in a row that I've communicated with have not been working for periods exceeding as much as 5 years. How long is a reasonable period of time that qualifies one as being between jobs? 6 months, a year, 5 years? Yes companies shut down or downsize, but in my opinion, beggars can't be choosers. If you truly want to work, you will find a job. Available jobs may not be as appealing or prestigious as what you once had, they may not pay as well either, but you take what you can get and continue to look for something better. Between jobs implies you are looking for work, these guys are doing no such thing. Way easier to live off of others or benefit programs all the while complaining and/or bragging about it.
Given how complex and confusing work related terminology appears to be, perhaps we need to review a couple of definitions to clarify so that everyone is on the same page. How I wish I could post this on the online dating site!
According to the Business Dictionary:
Employed: persons who are employed full-time or part-time during a specified payroll period. Temporary employees and those on paid-leave are included in this definition.
Gainful employment: employment situation where the employee receives consistent work and payment from the employer.
Job: a group of homogeneous tasks related by similarity of functions. When performed by an employee in an exchange for pay, a job consists of duties, responsibilities, and tasks (performance elements) that are (1) defined and specific, and (2) can be accomplished, quantified, measured, and rated.
According to Wikipedia:
Gainful employment: refers to an employment situation where the employee receives steady work and payment from the employer.
According to the Free Dictionary:
Gainful employment: a job that allows self-sufficiency. Gainful employment usually (but not always) implies work in a white collar or skilled blue collar position.
Career: a chosen pursuit; a profession or occupation.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
Job: a) a regular remunerative position;
b) the work that a person does regularly to earn money.
Work: to perform work or fulfill duties regularly for wages or salary.
Occupation: the work that a person does.
According to the Online Dictionary:
Work: having paid employment.
Occupation: a job or profession.
Between jobs: it means that a person is currently unemployed — having quit, been fired, or laid off from his or her previous job, or the previous job was temporary and has now ended — and the person has not yet found a new job.
Unemployed: a person without a paid job, but available to work.
According to the Collins Dictionary:
Career: the job or profession that someone does for a long period of their life. Your career is the part of your life that you spend working.
According to Dictionary.com:
Occupation: a person's usual or principal work or business, especially as a means of earning a living; vocation.
According to the MacMillan Dictionary:
Between jobs: if someone is between jobs, they do not have a job at the moment but are actively looking for one.
According to the Cambridge English Dictionary:
Unemployed: not having a job that provides money.
If the above definitions are not clear enough, do a Google search. Chances are if you're not getting a pay cheque every couple of weeks, you should answer "NO" to being employed or having a job. At the end of the day, be honest. Sooner or later, the truth always comes out so there's no point in lying. As it relates to a relationship, personally I want someone that can contribute, who at the very least can manage his own expenses. It's a partnership and team work. I have 4 kids. If I wanted another dependent, I'd have another kid!
Be careful and ask lots of questions. Don't believe everything you read on an online dating profile. At this rate, I may have to start asking for a guy's last 3 pay stubs and a copy of his previous year's tax return!
Dateless in Ottawa
It's extremely difficult to accept the excuses provided by these men that claim to be seeking a relationship. At this stage in life, many of these men also have children. I can't imagine not being able to provide for my kids. Plus, let's be completely honest dating costs money. You don't have to spend a fortunate going out, but you do have to have some money to take your date our for coffee or a movie. Having friends with severe medical limitation like being 100% blind or having full blown MS that work full-time and refuse to apply for benefits because they feel they would be abusing the system makes these men look even worse.
What happened to self-pride, having a strong work ethic, success and a feeling of accomplishment? Being able to say, "I did it myself." "My hard work has paid off." I know everyone is different and levels of resiliency vary, but it's very scary when these able individuals hang off the skirt/coat tales of their parents or cry victim because they worked under the table, got hurt and now have no benefits and somehow this is society's fault. Quite the burden to put on aging parents who have worked their entire lives. The sense of entitlement and attitude makes me furious. They show no guilt and there's no sense of urgency. Very sad and what a negative example for their children. These guys seem to be looking for a sugar mommy to further supplement their existence. No thanks, I'll pass. My guy friends tell me similar stories about women they meet online.
Saying you are "between jobs" is a more fancy and positive way of spinning the fact that you are unemployed. In some cases this is true, I've lived it myself. Life is full of surprises, anyone can lose their job at any time. Job security is a luxury that no longer exists. Sadly this does not appear to be the case with men using online dating. The last six guys in a row that I've communicated with have not been working for periods exceeding as much as 5 years. How long is a reasonable period of time that qualifies one as being between jobs? 6 months, a year, 5 years? Yes companies shut down or downsize, but in my opinion, beggars can't be choosers. If you truly want to work, you will find a job. Available jobs may not be as appealing or prestigious as what you once had, they may not pay as well either, but you take what you can get and continue to look for something better. Between jobs implies you are looking for work, these guys are doing no such thing. Way easier to live off of others or benefit programs all the while complaining and/or bragging about it.
Given how complex and confusing work related terminology appears to be, perhaps we need to review a couple of definitions to clarify so that everyone is on the same page. How I wish I could post this on the online dating site!
According to the Business Dictionary:
Employed: persons who are employed full-time or part-time during a specified payroll period. Temporary employees and those on paid-leave are included in this definition.
Gainful employment: employment situation where the employee receives consistent work and payment from the employer.
Job: a group of homogeneous tasks related by similarity of functions. When performed by an employee in an exchange for pay, a job consists of duties, responsibilities, and tasks (performance elements) that are (1) defined and specific, and (2) can be accomplished, quantified, measured, and rated.
According to Wikipedia:
Gainful employment: refers to an employment situation where the employee receives steady work and payment from the employer.
According to the Free Dictionary:
Gainful employment: a job that allows self-sufficiency. Gainful employment usually (but not always) implies work in a white collar or skilled blue collar position.
Career: a chosen pursuit; a profession or occupation.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
Job: a) a regular remunerative position;
b) the work that a person does regularly to earn money.
Work: to perform work or fulfill duties regularly for wages or salary.
Occupation: the work that a person does.
According to the Online Dictionary:
Work: having paid employment.
Occupation: a job or profession.
Between jobs: it means that a person is currently unemployed — having quit, been fired, or laid off from his or her previous job, or the previous job was temporary and has now ended — and the person has not yet found a new job.
Unemployed: a person without a paid job, but available to work.
According to the Collins Dictionary:
Career: the job or profession that someone does for a long period of their life. Your career is the part of your life that you spend working.
According to Dictionary.com:
Occupation: a person's usual or principal work or business, especially as a means of earning a living; vocation.
According to the MacMillan Dictionary:
Between jobs: if someone is between jobs, they do not have a job at the moment but are actively looking for one.
According to the Cambridge English Dictionary:
Unemployed: not having a job that provides money.
If the above definitions are not clear enough, do a Google search. Chances are if you're not getting a pay cheque every couple of weeks, you should answer "NO" to being employed or having a job. At the end of the day, be honest. Sooner or later, the truth always comes out so there's no point in lying. As it relates to a relationship, personally I want someone that can contribute, who at the very least can manage his own expenses. It's a partnership and team work. I have 4 kids. If I wanted another dependent, I'd have another kid!
Be careful and ask lots of questions. Don't believe everything you read on an online dating profile. At this rate, I may have to start asking for a guy's last 3 pay stubs and a copy of his previous year's tax return!
Dateless in Ottawa
Friday, 20 July 2018
More men from Round 34
The next couple of posts will be longer as I'm going to write about the rest of the guys I met during Round 34. Haven't been back online in a while. Working on trying to stay positive and hopeful. Maybe in a few weeks I'll plunge back into the wonderful world of online dating, but for now I'll work on bringing you up to speed on my adventures...good and bad.
All the business travel and getting away for a family vacation over the last several weeks has been awesome. We've had the best summer ever. Many days spent relaxing by the beach with lots of time to write.
Ok, back to the men of Round 34:
4. Another Bus Driver
He was the same age as me. Tall with dark hair and blue eyes. His profile was interesting. Cooking and entertaining seemed to be a passion based on his pictures and the profile, two things I very much enjoy. He wrote first and said he wanted to meet to talk over coffee. He was divorced with children. After emailing and texting for a while he suggested coffee. We made a date to meet for coffee in the morning. On the day of he said his daughter had been sick and they were at the hospital all night so he hadn't slept. He'd be in touch later in the day depending on how he was feeling after taking a bath. I probably would have just rescheduled, but Ok.
Didn't hear from him all day so I made plans to go to a friend's for dinner. He texted wanting to meet at 7:00 pm for coffee while I was having dinner. I didn't respond right away. He sent another text not long after saying that obviously I didn't want to meet since I didn't respond. Wow! I try to be patient and understanding, but was he kidding me? Didn't hear from him all day, but now I have to respond to him immediately??? Texted I'd be home later if he wanted to call as I was at a friend's having dinner since I didn't hear from him all day. I left him a message when I got home. He texted the following morning claiming he didn't hear the phone as he was cooking up a storm all night. His cell had died and the charger wasn't working so he was going to run out and buy another one, he'd call later when his phone was charged. If his phone was dead, how was he texting??? Then he texted to say he was grocery shopping and feeling a bit tired, so not sure he'd be up to talking. This guy was sounding way too neurotic for my taste.
We finally did talk. It was kind of awkward and strange. Cooking his chicken seemed to be far more important than carrying on a conversation with me. Based on his profile we seemed to have a few things in common, but during the conversation it was very obvious a lot of what he wrote was just filler. He admitted women friends he had met on POF helped him write the profile and told him what women look for. Are you kidding me? He'd been on for almost a year and still hadn't met anyone in person because he claimed he was being cautious. I think paranoid would be a far better adjective to use. He has a few email friends on POF, but won't text either because he won't give out his cell number. I guess I should feel honoured since he texted me. OMG it was hard not to laugh. Done, NEXT! Funny that I've read many men's profiles that say women seem adverse to meeting, but men can be just as bad if not worse.
5. Mr. Classy - not
The introductory email captivated me, he was a great writer. His profile was also extremely well written and longer than average. Most of our interests were the same. His profile pictures were private, but he attached them to the email.
He was slightly older, tall at 6'2, had dark hair and dark eyes. His status was divorced and he had children. He was an engineer and had travelled extensively. His parents were from Lebanon and France and family was important to him. We emailed and then quickly moved to texting and talking. I was away on business again, but we spoke daily and he was very anxious to meet. He offered to drive up to Montreal to take me out for dinner, but it didn't work with my schedule. I was impressed. The following week we were both busy then after that we were both travelling to visit family. When we got back we finally arranged to meet. Funny to meet someone with an equally crazy work and travel schedule.
We met for coffee. I was pleasantly surprised. He looked like his pictures and he said he was also thrilled that I looked identical to mine. Several of the women he had met were far larger, looked older or didn't look anything like their profile pictures. We had a long conversation and laughed. It felt like we'd known each other for a long time. Eventually he suggested going for a drive and we wound up at the beach. We walked along the beach and had a great conversation touching on various topics. It was a beautiful night with a gorgeous sunset. One thing let to another, then all of a sudden he became violent. I was caught completely off guard and wasn't sure what to do. Everything had been going well up to that point, I never saw this coming. It seemed like he couldn't get an erection and this made him even more angry. He was rude and got very rough. I tried to calm him down while trying to remain composed. I was scared. I felt trapped, like I couldn't get away and if I tried anything he'd hurt me even more. Finally he stopped and let me go. His eyes looked glazed over, like he was in another world. He walked away so I quickly got myself together and left.
This guy seemed so normal and nice. A total Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. We'd been talking for weeks and there was no indication or signs to predict he'd behave this way. He was always polite and gentlemanly. Things could've been far worse. I can completely understand how a woman would stop fighting for fear of being hurt more or killed. Fear can paralyze you. There was no one around to help. I went home and cried. It was a while before I was able to tell a friend what had happened. He was so angry with me. He wanted to know who this guy was and where he lived, he'd go pay him a visit and have a chat. Yeah right, I didn't think that would help. When I went online, his profile and all the emails had been deleted. All traces of him were gone. I had his personal email, but what's the point? Even the cell number had the voice message changed. Chances are this wasn't the first time he'd done this. Great at being charming, but all the while a ruthless predator in disguise. It's easy to delete a profile and email accounts. Best to move on and forget about this. Huge lesson learned. Be very cautious, don't assume or take anything for granted. Many good actors out there, this one deserves an academy award. Sad that people are so deceptive and behave this way. Maybe I'm still way too naïve and trusting. My friend told me I had to implement a 5 date rule, no sex until then. If a guy was truly interested and respectful, he'd wait. If not his true colours would show and he'd bail revealing his true intentions. Anyone looking for a relationship should be willing to put in the effort to get to know someone before having sex. I think he might be right. Yes guys want sex, but if they truly care and want to build a relationship they shouldn't be in a rush.
6. Mr. Retired
He was older and honestly, I wasn't interested. His emails were polite and that's what kept my attention. I told myself to be open minded and not allow past experiences to cloud my judgement. For his age, he was in great shape and liked to travel. He had just retired from teaching, was divorced and didn't have any children. He came from a large family and said he didn't have any issues with kids. Being a teacher I figured kids would not be a problem and family seemed to be important to him.
After talking for a bit he suggested coffee on Thursday night. Wednesday night arrived and he sent several texts asking me to confirm and wondering what time I'd be there because he wouldn't go if I wasn't there. The texts continued then he said he was there and didn't appreciate being stood up. WTF? He was calling, but I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number. It didn't match the one he had given me. I texted to remind him our date was on Thursday, today was only Wednesday.
He called again from yet another number and was annoyed. I didn't have the wrong day, he did. Now he wanted to meet tonight since he was already there and said that he'd wait for me. No, I had plans and had to drive my kids to dance class. He called back a while later and said it wouldn't work for us because he's not a family man, but if I wanted a coffee buddy he'd be available. What? We had discussed in detail that I had kids and they all lived with me. So much for not having a problem with kids. I wished him luck with his search, no thanks I don't need a coffee buddy.
Are these guys for real? Is it just me? OMG, this is too much.
Interestingly enough during this round two gentlemen with physical disabilities contacted me. I politely declined. I admire their strength and determination. We all want to be loved and deserve happiness. As horrible and shallow as I might appear, I know my limits. My life is busy enough with work and my kids, I can't take on more responsibility no matter how independent they claim to be. One continued to write and insisted all would be fine if I was willing to put in the effort. This has absolutely nothing to do with me being willing to put in the effort. Dammit, read my blog! If I'm not the poster child for perseverance and being a sucker for punishment, I don't know who is. I quickly pointed out that my home is not wheelchair accessible, nor is my vehicle so I have a hard time believing there would be no issues. I'm not going to leave my kids alone all of the time to accommodate him. Not to mention he tells me that his ex-wife and her new husband along with their 3 kids all live together in the same house as this is what works for them. Really? Holy shit, are you kidding me? Guess what...that totally doesn't work for me! Good grief, just when you think you've heard it all.
Apart from these, more emails soliciting sex and men claiming to be looking for a relationship when all they seem to want to do is sext and have phone sex. Grow up boys!
Ok, enough for this one. Stay tuned for the continuing saga.
Dateless in Ottawa
All the business travel and getting away for a family vacation over the last several weeks has been awesome. We've had the best summer ever. Many days spent relaxing by the beach with lots of time to write.
Ok, back to the men of Round 34:
4. Another Bus Driver
He was the same age as me. Tall with dark hair and blue eyes. His profile was interesting. Cooking and entertaining seemed to be a passion based on his pictures and the profile, two things I very much enjoy. He wrote first and said he wanted to meet to talk over coffee. He was divorced with children. After emailing and texting for a while he suggested coffee. We made a date to meet for coffee in the morning. On the day of he said his daughter had been sick and they were at the hospital all night so he hadn't slept. He'd be in touch later in the day depending on how he was feeling after taking a bath. I probably would have just rescheduled, but Ok.
Didn't hear from him all day so I made plans to go to a friend's for dinner. He texted wanting to meet at 7:00 pm for coffee while I was having dinner. I didn't respond right away. He sent another text not long after saying that obviously I didn't want to meet since I didn't respond. Wow! I try to be patient and understanding, but was he kidding me? Didn't hear from him all day, but now I have to respond to him immediately??? Texted I'd be home later if he wanted to call as I was at a friend's having dinner since I didn't hear from him all day. I left him a message when I got home. He texted the following morning claiming he didn't hear the phone as he was cooking up a storm all night. His cell had died and the charger wasn't working so he was going to run out and buy another one, he'd call later when his phone was charged. If his phone was dead, how was he texting??? Then he texted to say he was grocery shopping and feeling a bit tired, so not sure he'd be up to talking. This guy was sounding way too neurotic for my taste.
We finally did talk. It was kind of awkward and strange. Cooking his chicken seemed to be far more important than carrying on a conversation with me. Based on his profile we seemed to have a few things in common, but during the conversation it was very obvious a lot of what he wrote was just filler. He admitted women friends he had met on POF helped him write the profile and told him what women look for. Are you kidding me? He'd been on for almost a year and still hadn't met anyone in person because he claimed he was being cautious. I think paranoid would be a far better adjective to use. He has a few email friends on POF, but won't text either because he won't give out his cell number. I guess I should feel honoured since he texted me. OMG it was hard not to laugh. Done, NEXT! Funny that I've read many men's profiles that say women seem adverse to meeting, but men can be just as bad if not worse.
5. Mr. Classy - not
The introductory email captivated me, he was a great writer. His profile was also extremely well written and longer than average. Most of our interests were the same. His profile pictures were private, but he attached them to the email.
He was slightly older, tall at 6'2, had dark hair and dark eyes. His status was divorced and he had children. He was an engineer and had travelled extensively. His parents were from Lebanon and France and family was important to him. We emailed and then quickly moved to texting and talking. I was away on business again, but we spoke daily and he was very anxious to meet. He offered to drive up to Montreal to take me out for dinner, but it didn't work with my schedule. I was impressed. The following week we were both busy then after that we were both travelling to visit family. When we got back we finally arranged to meet. Funny to meet someone with an equally crazy work and travel schedule.
We met for coffee. I was pleasantly surprised. He looked like his pictures and he said he was also thrilled that I looked identical to mine. Several of the women he had met were far larger, looked older or didn't look anything like their profile pictures. We had a long conversation and laughed. It felt like we'd known each other for a long time. Eventually he suggested going for a drive and we wound up at the beach. We walked along the beach and had a great conversation touching on various topics. It was a beautiful night with a gorgeous sunset. One thing let to another, then all of a sudden he became violent. I was caught completely off guard and wasn't sure what to do. Everything had been going well up to that point, I never saw this coming. It seemed like he couldn't get an erection and this made him even more angry. He was rude and got very rough. I tried to calm him down while trying to remain composed. I was scared. I felt trapped, like I couldn't get away and if I tried anything he'd hurt me even more. Finally he stopped and let me go. His eyes looked glazed over, like he was in another world. He walked away so I quickly got myself together and left.
This guy seemed so normal and nice. A total Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. We'd been talking for weeks and there was no indication or signs to predict he'd behave this way. He was always polite and gentlemanly. Things could've been far worse. I can completely understand how a woman would stop fighting for fear of being hurt more or killed. Fear can paralyze you. There was no one around to help. I went home and cried. It was a while before I was able to tell a friend what had happened. He was so angry with me. He wanted to know who this guy was and where he lived, he'd go pay him a visit and have a chat. Yeah right, I didn't think that would help. When I went online, his profile and all the emails had been deleted. All traces of him were gone. I had his personal email, but what's the point? Even the cell number had the voice message changed. Chances are this wasn't the first time he'd done this. Great at being charming, but all the while a ruthless predator in disguise. It's easy to delete a profile and email accounts. Best to move on and forget about this. Huge lesson learned. Be very cautious, don't assume or take anything for granted. Many good actors out there, this one deserves an academy award. Sad that people are so deceptive and behave this way. Maybe I'm still way too naïve and trusting. My friend told me I had to implement a 5 date rule, no sex until then. If a guy was truly interested and respectful, he'd wait. If not his true colours would show and he'd bail revealing his true intentions. Anyone looking for a relationship should be willing to put in the effort to get to know someone before having sex. I think he might be right. Yes guys want sex, but if they truly care and want to build a relationship they shouldn't be in a rush.
6. Mr. Retired
He was older and honestly, I wasn't interested. His emails were polite and that's what kept my attention. I told myself to be open minded and not allow past experiences to cloud my judgement. For his age, he was in great shape and liked to travel. He had just retired from teaching, was divorced and didn't have any children. He came from a large family and said he didn't have any issues with kids. Being a teacher I figured kids would not be a problem and family seemed to be important to him.
After talking for a bit he suggested coffee on Thursday night. Wednesday night arrived and he sent several texts asking me to confirm and wondering what time I'd be there because he wouldn't go if I wasn't there. The texts continued then he said he was there and didn't appreciate being stood up. WTF? He was calling, but I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number. It didn't match the one he had given me. I texted to remind him our date was on Thursday, today was only Wednesday.
He called again from yet another number and was annoyed. I didn't have the wrong day, he did. Now he wanted to meet tonight since he was already there and said that he'd wait for me. No, I had plans and had to drive my kids to dance class. He called back a while later and said it wouldn't work for us because he's not a family man, but if I wanted a coffee buddy he'd be available. What? We had discussed in detail that I had kids and they all lived with me. So much for not having a problem with kids. I wished him luck with his search, no thanks I don't need a coffee buddy.
Are these guys for real? Is it just me? OMG, this is too much.
Interestingly enough during this round two gentlemen with physical disabilities contacted me. I politely declined. I admire their strength and determination. We all want to be loved and deserve happiness. As horrible and shallow as I might appear, I know my limits. My life is busy enough with work and my kids, I can't take on more responsibility no matter how independent they claim to be. One continued to write and insisted all would be fine if I was willing to put in the effort. This has absolutely nothing to do with me being willing to put in the effort. Dammit, read my blog! If I'm not the poster child for perseverance and being a sucker for punishment, I don't know who is. I quickly pointed out that my home is not wheelchair accessible, nor is my vehicle so I have a hard time believing there would be no issues. I'm not going to leave my kids alone all of the time to accommodate him. Not to mention he tells me that his ex-wife and her new husband along with their 3 kids all live together in the same house as this is what works for them. Really? Holy shit, are you kidding me? Guess what...that totally doesn't work for me! Good grief, just when you think you've heard it all.
Apart from these, more emails soliciting sex and men claiming to be looking for a relationship when all they seem to want to do is sext and have phone sex. Grow up boys!
Ok, enough for this one. Stay tuned for the continuing saga.
Dateless in Ottawa
Thursday, 12 July 2018
Online dating - What do men want?
Round 34 went very badly and this trend continued. You'll have to keep reading my posts to get all the details. I guess you could say I'm still licking my wounds and unable to write about them. I'll need a bit of time to gather my thoughts and stop trying to find answers to the famous question "why"?
Thankfully I was off on another business trip with some close colleagues. Just what I needed to get my mind off of online dating. My co-workers and colleagues know my situation and they often avoid asking personal questions or talking about their relationships fearing they'll upset or hurt me. They have great admiration and respect for my strength, courage and determination. They don't understand how I juggle being a single Mom of 4, a crazy busy job that has me travelling regularly and the fact that I'm always there to help no matter who's asking or what needs to be done whether at work or home.
Aside from my kids and family, having such a diverse and loyal group of friends is what gives me the strength to forge ahead and remain determined. There are times when I should probably give-up, but I won't allow myself to. Often times I too wonder how I do it, best not to think about it too much or I'll stress myself out. I see others with far less responsibilities that can't cope.
My Aunt came to stay with my kids while I was away on business for two weeks. She called me 3 days in and asked, "How do you do it? And I'm not even working part-time, let alone full-time with all the overtime you work! Child, this is insane. How do you keep track of everything. The kids are all over with their activities and school, play dates, appointments... When do you have time to clean the house and pay the bills? You can't maintain this pace. How do you manage to get everything done? What about time for you? We have to sit down and have a serious talk when you get back."
"Auntie, I don't have a choice. It is how it is. This is my normal...our normal. If I don't do it, who will? There's no time to think, I just get things done. The children are mine and my responsibility. Sports are important, I won't have them sitting in front of the TV or playing video games for hours on end. They need to get out, move and socialize. Living on one income is a challenge, but I make it work. Overtime and travel help so that the kids can do their activities and we can take a holiday every year. They only do one activity each, unfortunately not all on the same night (although for me that's a very good thing!). It's not mine or their fault that I ended up widowed and alone. Working long hours means being away from the kids more, but as they get older they can take on more responsibility and help me out. In the end, as hard as it can be, it's better for all of us."
Everyone worries about me and frankly there are days when I'm terrified. My "work husband" as I call him, since we've been travelling together for most of the last 5 months often checks up on me. We were in the middle of a two hour commute during our business trip so it was the perfect time for one of our frank conversations.
Him: "So, how are you doing?"
Me: "I'm good, thanks."
Him: "No, honestly? You're looking a bit down and tired. What's going on?"
Me: "Shit happens. I do the best I can and adjust."
Him: "Ok, what's going on? Can I be blunt?"
Me: "You always are, be my guest."
Him: "Are you trying to date? I know it's hard with all the travelling we've been doing lately, but I hate seeing you alone. You're an amazing woman with so much to offer. Do you not want to be in a relationship? Are you looking? Is it something else??? Have you checked out online dating? What about a FWB?"
Me: I burst out laughing.
Him: "What's so funny? You don't want to date? Just tell me to f--- off if you don't want to talk."
Me: "OMG You have no idea. Yes I'm lonely and trying to date. Oh the stories I could tell you about online dating. I wouldn't know where to start. I don't know what to do. I feel so rusty and out of touch. Most of the guys are dishonest and a lot of them are married. Then there's others where you seem to have a great connection, you talk, text, email and go out several times and poof...he vanishes never to be heard from again. The whole FWB things doesn't interest me. Someone always gets hurt and when that's going on you're not really looking or emotionally available. If all you want is sex maybe, but definitely not a long-term solution."
Him: "Sorry, I don't mean to pry or be rude, tell me to shut up if I'm getting too personal. Just know that I'm here. If nothing else, I can give you the male perspective. I may be married, but have several guy friends and I am a man afterall. Lord knows I've been around the block way too many times! Lol Agreed, the FWB wouldn't be a good fit for you and yes one person always seems to get attached and hurt which isn't good."
Me: "I appreciate the advice, thanks for caring."
Him: "You know I care about you and hold you in high esteem. I'm sorry you're going through this, life really sucks sometimes. You deserve better. Sadly, truth be told men are pigs. At the end of the day we're very simple creatures. We are over analyzed for no good reason. What do men want? SEX!"
Me: "And we go about that how? Don't forget I'm the single Mom so no, I won't be bringing guys home every night. I've been out with a few guys. Chemistry seemed to be there, great conversations, common interests and the list goes on and on. They initiate the dates, choose the locations, we talk often and make plans for weeks at a time and then nothing. Suddenly all communication stops cold turkey. Obviously I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something happened. Then I go check the dating site and he's either deleted his profile or he's back online, but doesn't respond to my texts or voice messages. What the hell?"
Him: "Did you sleep with him?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Well, there you go!"
Me: "Bullshit! You know what? I probably would've and truth be told I wanted to, but when you're meeting for dinner or drinks at a restaurant or the casino, where was I supposed to have sex on the bar? We always met up and went in separate cars."
Him: "Go back to his place or yours, get a hotel, the car...? Geez woman be creative! "
Me: "Shouldn't someone ask? Maybe I'm too old fashioned, but I believe the guy should make the first move. If I'm agreeing to go out with you, talking to you regularly and making plans weeks in advance...Hello???? I'm obviously interested."
Him: "That's not good enough. And why does the guy have to initiate?"
Me: "He doesn't always, I'll gladly take a step, I think kissing on the first date is a pretty sure sign I'm comfortable and then agreeing to see him over and over again...duh!"
Him: "Keep in mind chances are he's seeing several different women at once. First come, first served Baby!"
Me: "I get that, but if you don't feel it, change your mind or meet someone else be an adult and say so. Is it that difficult to be honest? Dammit we've been communicating and getting to know each other for a couple of weeks or months, if you weren't interested why waste your time? If he wanted sex why didn't he say so? Worst I could say is no."
Him: "Would you have sex on the first date?"
Me: "Typically, no."
Him: "Wrong answer, that's you're problem."
Me: "So I should plan for sex before every date? I don't think so."
Him: "So you'd never have sex on a first date?"
Me: "If it felt right and I was comfortable, yes."
Him: "Not according to your answer. And why wouldn't you? Wait!!! Let me guess... you don't want him to think you do this all the time or that you're a slut? Right?"
Me: "To a point."
Him: "You're too predictable, probably went to Catholic school didn't you? See, that's the problem. Who cares what other people think of you? At our age we are who we are, take it or leave it. Who is anyone to judge you? Remember, he's having sex too. Does he care what you think of him? Probably not."
Me: "It's not that easy."
Him: "You're making it complicated."
Me: "Listen, I've been in situations where a guy couldn't take no for an answer. Men are in a far better position than women. Do I like sex, absolutely. It's probably what I miss most about being in a relationship. Everything else I can pretty much do on my own. It has to feel right or I just can't. Initiating for me is hard. With the right person it won't be a problem. Just feeling so rusty and out of practice that it's scary. What if I suck and the sex is bad?"
Him: "OMG girl, a guy gets off and everything is good with the world. I don't think you need to worry too much about whether or not you're good. Practice makes perfect. You'll get there, but don't limit yourself. Be open minded. F--- all those ridiculous rules from the 1950's. Wipe them from your memory and live a little. If it feels right, go for it. Don't create unnecessary boundaries. Yes, it's scary and there are creeps out there. You need to be safe and smart. I totally understand women have to be careful, but keep in mind where there's a will, there's a way. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't have fun. If you want it, go for it dammit! A woman initiating is a huge turn on for a guy. If he doesn't like it, f--- him he's not for you."
Me: "Easier said than done."
Him: "Men don't need an emotional attachment to have sex. Women think differently and that's the problem. You over think. Just because you're seeing someone for a few weeks or a month, doesn't mean he's going to be around forever. You're single, enjoy and when you meet the right one you'll know. You have to learn how to play the game. Date, date and keep on dating. Don't stop meeting other people or going out because you're talking to someone and it "might" develop into something. Be realistic. Sadly it is the way it is. The world has changed. Maybe not for the better, but you need to accept that. I want to see you happy and loved. You deserve it, so stop creating barriers that don't exist."
Me: "Yes, Dad!"
Him: "As a matter of fact I almost could be your Dad so listen to me. I've been around the block way too many times to count and I've seen it all, so trust me kid. I've been one of those jerks too and learned to smarten up. If you need to talk, I'm here anytime. Be prepared, I'll kick your ass and be brutally honest. You're awesome, don't know how you do it and make it look so damn easy. Your kids are and will be fine. Now it's time to take care of you and be happy. Be patient, it will happen."
Is he right? Maybe. Some food for thought. He's an IT wiz. Maybe he can reprogram my brain and erase all those crazy outdated rules at the same time! Lol
I can't disagree with the part about creating unnecessary boundaries or limitations while throwing out the antiquated dating rules. Who knows, it's all a game and I have to learn to play along while remaining strategic and most importantly, staying safe. Sounds easy, but it's not.
Any thoughts? You're advice, suggestions and stories are always welcome. Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
Thankfully I was off on another business trip with some close colleagues. Just what I needed to get my mind off of online dating. My co-workers and colleagues know my situation and they often avoid asking personal questions or talking about their relationships fearing they'll upset or hurt me. They have great admiration and respect for my strength, courage and determination. They don't understand how I juggle being a single Mom of 4, a crazy busy job that has me travelling regularly and the fact that I'm always there to help no matter who's asking or what needs to be done whether at work or home.
Aside from my kids and family, having such a diverse and loyal group of friends is what gives me the strength to forge ahead and remain determined. There are times when I should probably give-up, but I won't allow myself to. Often times I too wonder how I do it, best not to think about it too much or I'll stress myself out. I see others with far less responsibilities that can't cope.
My Aunt came to stay with my kids while I was away on business for two weeks. She called me 3 days in and asked, "How do you do it? And I'm not even working part-time, let alone full-time with all the overtime you work! Child, this is insane. How do you keep track of everything. The kids are all over with their activities and school, play dates, appointments... When do you have time to clean the house and pay the bills? You can't maintain this pace. How do you manage to get everything done? What about time for you? We have to sit down and have a serious talk when you get back."
"Auntie, I don't have a choice. It is how it is. This is my normal...our normal. If I don't do it, who will? There's no time to think, I just get things done. The children are mine and my responsibility. Sports are important, I won't have them sitting in front of the TV or playing video games for hours on end. They need to get out, move and socialize. Living on one income is a challenge, but I make it work. Overtime and travel help so that the kids can do their activities and we can take a holiday every year. They only do one activity each, unfortunately not all on the same night (although for me that's a very good thing!). It's not mine or their fault that I ended up widowed and alone. Working long hours means being away from the kids more, but as they get older they can take on more responsibility and help me out. In the end, as hard as it can be, it's better for all of us."
Everyone worries about me and frankly there are days when I'm terrified. My "work husband" as I call him, since we've been travelling together for most of the last 5 months often checks up on me. We were in the middle of a two hour commute during our business trip so it was the perfect time for one of our frank conversations.
Him: "So, how are you doing?"
Me: "I'm good, thanks."
Him: "No, honestly? You're looking a bit down and tired. What's going on?"
Me: "Shit happens. I do the best I can and adjust."
Him: "Ok, what's going on? Can I be blunt?"
Me: "You always are, be my guest."
Him: "Are you trying to date? I know it's hard with all the travelling we've been doing lately, but I hate seeing you alone. You're an amazing woman with so much to offer. Do you not want to be in a relationship? Are you looking? Is it something else??? Have you checked out online dating? What about a FWB?"
Me: I burst out laughing.
Him: "What's so funny? You don't want to date? Just tell me to f--- off if you don't want to talk."
Me: "OMG You have no idea. Yes I'm lonely and trying to date. Oh the stories I could tell you about online dating. I wouldn't know where to start. I don't know what to do. I feel so rusty and out of touch. Most of the guys are dishonest and a lot of them are married. Then there's others where you seem to have a great connection, you talk, text, email and go out several times and poof...he vanishes never to be heard from again. The whole FWB things doesn't interest me. Someone always gets hurt and when that's going on you're not really looking or emotionally available. If all you want is sex maybe, but definitely not a long-term solution."
Him: "Sorry, I don't mean to pry or be rude, tell me to shut up if I'm getting too personal. Just know that I'm here. If nothing else, I can give you the male perspective. I may be married, but have several guy friends and I am a man afterall. Lord knows I've been around the block way too many times! Lol Agreed, the FWB wouldn't be a good fit for you and yes one person always seems to get attached and hurt which isn't good."
Me: "I appreciate the advice, thanks for caring."
Him: "You know I care about you and hold you in high esteem. I'm sorry you're going through this, life really sucks sometimes. You deserve better. Sadly, truth be told men are pigs. At the end of the day we're very simple creatures. We are over analyzed for no good reason. What do men want? SEX!"
Me: "And we go about that how? Don't forget I'm the single Mom so no, I won't be bringing guys home every night. I've been out with a few guys. Chemistry seemed to be there, great conversations, common interests and the list goes on and on. They initiate the dates, choose the locations, we talk often and make plans for weeks at a time and then nothing. Suddenly all communication stops cold turkey. Obviously I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something happened. Then I go check the dating site and he's either deleted his profile or he's back online, but doesn't respond to my texts or voice messages. What the hell?"
Him: "Did you sleep with him?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Well, there you go!"
Me: "Bullshit! You know what? I probably would've and truth be told I wanted to, but when you're meeting for dinner or drinks at a restaurant or the casino, where was I supposed to have sex on the bar? We always met up and went in separate cars."
Him: "Go back to his place or yours, get a hotel, the car...? Geez woman be creative! "
Me: "Shouldn't someone ask? Maybe I'm too old fashioned, but I believe the guy should make the first move. If I'm agreeing to go out with you, talking to you regularly and making plans weeks in advance...Hello???? I'm obviously interested."
Him: "That's not good enough. And why does the guy have to initiate?"
Me: "He doesn't always, I'll gladly take a step, I think kissing on the first date is a pretty sure sign I'm comfortable and then agreeing to see him over and over again...duh!"
Him: "Keep in mind chances are he's seeing several different women at once. First come, first served Baby!"
Me: "I get that, but if you don't feel it, change your mind or meet someone else be an adult and say so. Is it that difficult to be honest? Dammit we've been communicating and getting to know each other for a couple of weeks or months, if you weren't interested why waste your time? If he wanted sex why didn't he say so? Worst I could say is no."
Him: "Would you have sex on the first date?"
Me: "Typically, no."
Him: "Wrong answer, that's you're problem."
Me: "So I should plan for sex before every date? I don't think so."
Him: "So you'd never have sex on a first date?"
Me: "If it felt right and I was comfortable, yes."
Him: "Not according to your answer. And why wouldn't you? Wait!!! Let me guess... you don't want him to think you do this all the time or that you're a slut? Right?"
Me: "To a point."
Him: "You're too predictable, probably went to Catholic school didn't you? See, that's the problem. Who cares what other people think of you? At our age we are who we are, take it or leave it. Who is anyone to judge you? Remember, he's having sex too. Does he care what you think of him? Probably not."
Me: "It's not that easy."
Him: "You're making it complicated."
Me: "Listen, I've been in situations where a guy couldn't take no for an answer. Men are in a far better position than women. Do I like sex, absolutely. It's probably what I miss most about being in a relationship. Everything else I can pretty much do on my own. It has to feel right or I just can't. Initiating for me is hard. With the right person it won't be a problem. Just feeling so rusty and out of practice that it's scary. What if I suck and the sex is bad?"
Him: "OMG girl, a guy gets off and everything is good with the world. I don't think you need to worry too much about whether or not you're good. Practice makes perfect. You'll get there, but don't limit yourself. Be open minded. F--- all those ridiculous rules from the 1950's. Wipe them from your memory and live a little. If it feels right, go for it. Don't create unnecessary boundaries. Yes, it's scary and there are creeps out there. You need to be safe and smart. I totally understand women have to be careful, but keep in mind where there's a will, there's a way. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't have fun. If you want it, go for it dammit! A woman initiating is a huge turn on for a guy. If he doesn't like it, f--- him he's not for you."
Me: "Easier said than done."
Him: "Men don't need an emotional attachment to have sex. Women think differently and that's the problem. You over think. Just because you're seeing someone for a few weeks or a month, doesn't mean he's going to be around forever. You're single, enjoy and when you meet the right one you'll know. You have to learn how to play the game. Date, date and keep on dating. Don't stop meeting other people or going out because you're talking to someone and it "might" develop into something. Be realistic. Sadly it is the way it is. The world has changed. Maybe not for the better, but you need to accept that. I want to see you happy and loved. You deserve it, so stop creating barriers that don't exist."
Me: "Yes, Dad!"
Him: "As a matter of fact I almost could be your Dad so listen to me. I've been around the block way too many times to count and I've seen it all, so trust me kid. I've been one of those jerks too and learned to smarten up. If you need to talk, I'm here anytime. Be prepared, I'll kick your ass and be brutally honest. You're awesome, don't know how you do it and make it look so damn easy. Your kids are and will be fine. Now it's time to take care of you and be happy. Be patient, it will happen."
Is he right? Maybe. Some food for thought. He's an IT wiz. Maybe he can reprogram my brain and erase all those crazy outdated rules at the same time! Lol
I can't disagree with the part about creating unnecessary boundaries or limitations while throwing out the antiquated dating rules. Who knows, it's all a game and I have to learn to play along while remaining strategic and most importantly, staying safe. Sounds easy, but it's not.
Any thoughts? You're advice, suggestions and stories are always welcome. Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
Sunday, 24 June 2018
Why does Online Dating Bring out the worst in people? Round 34 continued....
So round 34 continues. There were quite a few emails. So much for trying not to log in often. I find every time I'm online, even more emails come in as other users can see I'm logged in!
Ok, time to read emails and start weeding out the undesirable candidates.
#4. Mr.....I can't even categorize this one. Psychopath, obsessed???
This guy was the same age as me. He's the one with the weird profile going on and on about how much he loved his ex-girlfriend and how he continues to deliver meals to her. In fact I also learned he's the same one that had a profile that explained the differences between nipple skin and elbow skin, interesting that he changed his picture for that profile. I had blocked this user 4 times already, yet he'd create a whole new profile with a new username and managed to find me every time. This was becoming extremely annoying. I wrote and asked him to stop contacting me. Was the fact that I had blocked him 4 times not a blatantly obvious enough sign that I wasn't interested? This left me no choice but to contact POF and report that this guy's profile and emails were inappropriate and I felt like I was being stalked. They deleted his profile. Well, he created yet another and wrote to me again. Good grief, I give up!
Why can't people take no for an answer? There should be no need to have to repeat oneself numerous times. Even what was written in his profiles was deeply disturbing. Don't the POF administrators randomly review profiles for content? Is it only when a complaint is placed that they take action? I would hope that anytime a user is blocked that they go in and check why or ask the person blocking them what the problem is. No doubt some complaints may be unfounded, but either way if you're not interested, you're not interested!
#5. Mr. Couple
This guy was attractive and slightly younger than me. The email started off great, then took a major nose dive. Where the hell in my profile does it say I'm looking for a threesome? I had to go in and verify to make sure my profile hadn't been changed. No, it clearly states I'm a woman looking for a man. Furthermore, it does not say seeking a man and a woman! So I went back to my emails and reread it to make sure I hadn't misunderstood. Nope, I didn't.
This guy read my profile and felt I sounded very interesting. He then had his girlfriend read it who was older than me and they decided I'd make a great addition to their sex life. They lived in the same city and were looking for someone open minded and flexible to have some fun and explore pleasure together. They wanted to meet for coffee to discuss the possibilities as well as any fetishes or fantasies I'd be interested in acting out.
OMG! Are these people for real? Sorry, not my cup of tea. NEXT!!!!!
#6. Mr. Repeat Offender
This guy was my age. Quite tall with dark hair and dark eyes. Another repeat offender. He was an entrepreneur with a pet grooming business on the side who worked in IT as a profession. This guy had written numerous times over the years and on different sites. He contacts me and writes fast and furious with emails of flattery and wanting to meet only to delete his profile days later, then create a new one with the same picture and contact me again as if he'd never emailed me before.
He caught me on a bad day and I had no patience. Typically I would just play along and have fun with the emails, but today was a day from hell. I was fed up and not in the mood for games.
I called him out and told him he'd contacted me numerous times over the years. He does the exact same thing every time. I'm sick and tired of him wasting my time. His response, "I was going through a rough patch and decided to delete my profile until I sorted things out." 6 f------ times? If you're that insecure or messed up, maybe you should stay away from online dating all together! Why did he feel the need to waste people's time and then pretend like he's never contacted you over and over again. Often times within a week. Was he that unstable that he had to sort things out weekly? WTF? Are you kidding me? Perhaps he's suffering from multiple personality disorder since he's forever having to create new user names. You don't remember all the emails you sent last week and the dinner invite? It was only a few days ago and now you have a new username with the same picture? I had saved his emails and sent them to him. Lately I tend to copy and save some of the more outrageous emails and profiles for times just like these. Always nice to have ammunition. Funny how his profile disappeared as quickly as he'd emailed. I guess he didn't have anything further to say. We'll see how long it takes him to create another profile and contact me again! Anyone want to place a bet???
Why do men play these games? Do they truly believe women are that stupid and that we won't recognize their picture when they use the exact same one over and over again? Dude, you create new profiles weekly using the same pic.....HELLO!
#7. The Café Owner
He was slightly older and tall with dark hair and dark eyes. He was Italian. I could tell his pictures were older and low and behold he was wearing a wedding band in one of them. The profile said he was divorced and had children. He lived in Montreal. His email was polite and well written as was his profile. It stated he was looking for a relationship.
I wrote back and mentioned I didn't live in Montreal so why would he write? He claimed he was willing to travel for the right person, distance should not be an obstacle when one is searching for love. I agreed, one should be open minded and flexible. He said he was very taken by my pictures and what I had written in my profile. I was just the kind of woman he was looking for. We had similar interests and came from European backgrounds.
As luck would have it, I had a business trip to Montreal coming up the following week. We agreed to meet for coffee. When I arrived in Montreal we talked a few times and I told him I'd let him know when my schedule would open up so we could meet. I said I would pick a place and we could go from there. He was part owner of a coffee shop and usually worked the night shift. Another option would be to drop by the coffee shop in the evening if I couldn't get away during the day before he started work.
Immediately he became very indecisive. He was the one that was all excited and available to meet, but suddenly he wasn't sure he could meet me and would have to run it by his partner. What? He needed permission from his partner to go on a date? This made no sense. When I got my schedule I called him and let him know when I'd be free and where I wanted to meet. At first he agreed, then 5 minutes later he called back saying we should meet in the food court across from my hotel instead because it would be too far for him to go the restaurant I had picked. Funny because the restaurant was only 2 blocks away from my hotel and I made sure there was parking. I pointed out that due to the event I was working on, there were road closures and he wouldn't be able to access the mall plus there was no parking there. He argued. Nope, I was going to the restaurant I had picked and he could choose to join me or not. Of course he was a no show. He tried calling and I didn't answer. His voice message said traffic was bad and he had to start work earlier. Yeah right, he was full of it.
He called later that afternoon, but from an unknown number. I thought it was a colleague calling, had I known it was him I wouldn't have answered. He said he'd lost his cell phone and this was a new number I could call. During the conversation he mentioned he was having difficulty with his wife. Wait a second, wife? Oh, hold on now I understood the story about the new cell phone. Loosely translated, he probably got another cell phone his wife doesn't have access to. His profile said he was divorced! When I questioned him he said he must have made a mistake when he created the profile. He had just left his wife. For now he just wanted to get out and meet people, you know have fun. Sure, as in screw around? No thanks, the profile clearly states divorced looking for a relationship. Gee let me guess, you made 2 mistakes while filling out the profile? I think not. Let's not focus on details, but we had several discussion about what we were looking for and "just having fun" was not one of my criteria. Best of luck with your search.
What is it that brings out the worst in people? Why do people have to be dishonest? Does online dating encourage this behaviour? I guess when you're hiding behind a computer screen it's so much easier to lie. Online dating could be an amazing tool, but when people are dishonest it ruins it for those who are being genuine and truly seeking a relationship. People blame the online dating sites and that isn't fair. The site is merely the tool designed to help users. At the end of the day the users who go in and create the profiles, input information and upload pictures are the ones responsible for the negativity associated with these sites. They are the ones that give online dating a bad name and cause others to become jaded and give up. Do they for one second think about the effect their lies have on others? More than likely not, or they simply don't care. Sadly they are too wrapped up in themselves and what they want with no consideration whatsoever to the negative impact it has on others. Sooner or later the truth comes out and innocent people get hurt. Most of these guys are so stupid they can't even keep track of their own lies, what they write in their profiles or what they tell the women they are communicating with.
This round is going very badly. Again there were several emails soliciting sex or being rude. So much for being adults. Highly unlikely men would say these things or behave his way if they were sitting across from you. My teenagers display far more decorum and manners than most of the guys on this site. Very hard to remain positive and not throw in the towel. A person can only take so much. I feel emotionally drained. One after the other, when does it end? How is one supposed to trust anyone when you are subjected to this type of behaviour? Very difficult not to paint everyone with the same brush and assume everyone is lying. Thank goodness for business trips. I need a long break from all of this bullshit. Maybe I'll meet someone while I'm away working?
Good luck, everyone. Try not to give up and remember to treat others the way you want to be treated.
Dateless in Ottawa
Ok, time to read emails and start weeding out the undesirable candidates.
#4. Mr.....I can't even categorize this one. Psychopath, obsessed???
This guy was the same age as me. He's the one with the weird profile going on and on about how much he loved his ex-girlfriend and how he continues to deliver meals to her. In fact I also learned he's the same one that had a profile that explained the differences between nipple skin and elbow skin, interesting that he changed his picture for that profile. I had blocked this user 4 times already, yet he'd create a whole new profile with a new username and managed to find me every time. This was becoming extremely annoying. I wrote and asked him to stop contacting me. Was the fact that I had blocked him 4 times not a blatantly obvious enough sign that I wasn't interested? This left me no choice but to contact POF and report that this guy's profile and emails were inappropriate and I felt like I was being stalked. They deleted his profile. Well, he created yet another and wrote to me again. Good grief, I give up!
Why can't people take no for an answer? There should be no need to have to repeat oneself numerous times. Even what was written in his profiles was deeply disturbing. Don't the POF administrators randomly review profiles for content? Is it only when a complaint is placed that they take action? I would hope that anytime a user is blocked that they go in and check why or ask the person blocking them what the problem is. No doubt some complaints may be unfounded, but either way if you're not interested, you're not interested!
#5. Mr. Couple
This guy was attractive and slightly younger than me. The email started off great, then took a major nose dive. Where the hell in my profile does it say I'm looking for a threesome? I had to go in and verify to make sure my profile hadn't been changed. No, it clearly states I'm a woman looking for a man. Furthermore, it does not say seeking a man and a woman! So I went back to my emails and reread it to make sure I hadn't misunderstood. Nope, I didn't.
This guy read my profile and felt I sounded very interesting. He then had his girlfriend read it who was older than me and they decided I'd make a great addition to their sex life. They lived in the same city and were looking for someone open minded and flexible to have some fun and explore pleasure together. They wanted to meet for coffee to discuss the possibilities as well as any fetishes or fantasies I'd be interested in acting out.
OMG! Are these people for real? Sorry, not my cup of tea. NEXT!!!!!
#6. Mr. Repeat Offender
This guy was my age. Quite tall with dark hair and dark eyes. Another repeat offender. He was an entrepreneur with a pet grooming business on the side who worked in IT as a profession. This guy had written numerous times over the years and on different sites. He contacts me and writes fast and furious with emails of flattery and wanting to meet only to delete his profile days later, then create a new one with the same picture and contact me again as if he'd never emailed me before.
He caught me on a bad day and I had no patience. Typically I would just play along and have fun with the emails, but today was a day from hell. I was fed up and not in the mood for games.
I called him out and told him he'd contacted me numerous times over the years. He does the exact same thing every time. I'm sick and tired of him wasting my time. His response, "I was going through a rough patch and decided to delete my profile until I sorted things out." 6 f------ times? If you're that insecure or messed up, maybe you should stay away from online dating all together! Why did he feel the need to waste people's time and then pretend like he's never contacted you over and over again. Often times within a week. Was he that unstable that he had to sort things out weekly? WTF? Are you kidding me? Perhaps he's suffering from multiple personality disorder since he's forever having to create new user names. You don't remember all the emails you sent last week and the dinner invite? It was only a few days ago and now you have a new username with the same picture? I had saved his emails and sent them to him. Lately I tend to copy and save some of the more outrageous emails and profiles for times just like these. Always nice to have ammunition. Funny how his profile disappeared as quickly as he'd emailed. I guess he didn't have anything further to say. We'll see how long it takes him to create another profile and contact me again! Anyone want to place a bet???
Why do men play these games? Do they truly believe women are that stupid and that we won't recognize their picture when they use the exact same one over and over again? Dude, you create new profiles weekly using the same pic.....HELLO!
#7. The Café Owner
He was slightly older and tall with dark hair and dark eyes. He was Italian. I could tell his pictures were older and low and behold he was wearing a wedding band in one of them. The profile said he was divorced and had children. He lived in Montreal. His email was polite and well written as was his profile. It stated he was looking for a relationship.
I wrote back and mentioned I didn't live in Montreal so why would he write? He claimed he was willing to travel for the right person, distance should not be an obstacle when one is searching for love. I agreed, one should be open minded and flexible. He said he was very taken by my pictures and what I had written in my profile. I was just the kind of woman he was looking for. We had similar interests and came from European backgrounds.
As luck would have it, I had a business trip to Montreal coming up the following week. We agreed to meet for coffee. When I arrived in Montreal we talked a few times and I told him I'd let him know when my schedule would open up so we could meet. I said I would pick a place and we could go from there. He was part owner of a coffee shop and usually worked the night shift. Another option would be to drop by the coffee shop in the evening if I couldn't get away during the day before he started work.
Immediately he became very indecisive. He was the one that was all excited and available to meet, but suddenly he wasn't sure he could meet me and would have to run it by his partner. What? He needed permission from his partner to go on a date? This made no sense. When I got my schedule I called him and let him know when I'd be free and where I wanted to meet. At first he agreed, then 5 minutes later he called back saying we should meet in the food court across from my hotel instead because it would be too far for him to go the restaurant I had picked. Funny because the restaurant was only 2 blocks away from my hotel and I made sure there was parking. I pointed out that due to the event I was working on, there were road closures and he wouldn't be able to access the mall plus there was no parking there. He argued. Nope, I was going to the restaurant I had picked and he could choose to join me or not. Of course he was a no show. He tried calling and I didn't answer. His voice message said traffic was bad and he had to start work earlier. Yeah right, he was full of it.
He called later that afternoon, but from an unknown number. I thought it was a colleague calling, had I known it was him I wouldn't have answered. He said he'd lost his cell phone and this was a new number I could call. During the conversation he mentioned he was having difficulty with his wife. Wait a second, wife? Oh, hold on now I understood the story about the new cell phone. Loosely translated, he probably got another cell phone his wife doesn't have access to. His profile said he was divorced! When I questioned him he said he must have made a mistake when he created the profile. He had just left his wife. For now he just wanted to get out and meet people, you know have fun. Sure, as in screw around? No thanks, the profile clearly states divorced looking for a relationship. Gee let me guess, you made 2 mistakes while filling out the profile? I think not. Let's not focus on details, but we had several discussion about what we were looking for and "just having fun" was not one of my criteria. Best of luck with your search.
What is it that brings out the worst in people? Why do people have to be dishonest? Does online dating encourage this behaviour? I guess when you're hiding behind a computer screen it's so much easier to lie. Online dating could be an amazing tool, but when people are dishonest it ruins it for those who are being genuine and truly seeking a relationship. People blame the online dating sites and that isn't fair. The site is merely the tool designed to help users. At the end of the day the users who go in and create the profiles, input information and upload pictures are the ones responsible for the negativity associated with these sites. They are the ones that give online dating a bad name and cause others to become jaded and give up. Do they for one second think about the effect their lies have on others? More than likely not, or they simply don't care. Sadly they are too wrapped up in themselves and what they want with no consideration whatsoever to the negative impact it has on others. Sooner or later the truth comes out and innocent people get hurt. Most of these guys are so stupid they can't even keep track of their own lies, what they write in their profiles or what they tell the women they are communicating with.
This round is going very badly. Again there were several emails soliciting sex or being rude. So much for being adults. Highly unlikely men would say these things or behave his way if they were sitting across from you. My teenagers display far more decorum and manners than most of the guys on this site. Very hard to remain positive and not throw in the towel. A person can only take so much. I feel emotionally drained. One after the other, when does it end? How is one supposed to trust anyone when you are subjected to this type of behaviour? Very difficult not to paint everyone with the same brush and assume everyone is lying. Thank goodness for business trips. I need a long break from all of this bullshit. Maybe I'll meet someone while I'm away working?
Good luck, everyone. Try not to give up and remember to treat others the way you want to be treated.
Dateless in Ottawa
Friday, 22 June 2018
Round 34 Continued! Dating is hard!
In 2018, what is one to do when they are searching for love? Drum roll please.......the correct answer is use online dating!!! Lol
There aren't many options, so back to online dating I went to sift through more profiles and emails. Not sure what was going on. This time around I was getting way more emails - wait, quantity yes. Quality??? Well, that's another story! Are there suddenly more single people? Was there a sudden spike in divorce rates and break-ups? Are more married men suffering from a mid-life crisis looking to cheat and play games? Is Spring fever to blame? Very odd, but on a positive note perhaps more potential candidates???
Statistics claim that one has to meet upwards of 100 potential candidates before finding a match. I'm no where near 100, so sadly this means my search has only just begun. I'm trying to stay positive and simply enjoy the moment, but it's hard.
When talking to girlfriends, I ask them for their opinions, tips, tricks, advice anything that can help me in my quest to find a man. Kind of hard for them to help when they've all been married forever. Things weren't like this years ago, they have no clue what it's like trying to date in 2018. At my age, I find it harder to date. Everyone says it should be easier, but it's not. First of all I'm a single Mom of 4 kids aged 17 and under. They live with me full-time so obviously a lot of my time is devoted to my kids. Then add to that a very demanding job that has me travelling frequently. Interestingly enough, I am very creative. No matter how busy I am, I manage to find the time to schedule just about anything. Whether it's an impromptu shopping adventure to the US, kids' sports competition, a ballet, brunch with a close friend, catering for a church function, visiting family or a girls' night out, magically my calendar suddenly has openings to accommodate everyone! I actually manage to impress myself, not sure how I do it.
I think what I find hardest is the intimacy part. You meet someone, enjoy their company and sooner or later sex has to happen. The physical aspect is extremely important and will certainly make or break a relationship. At my house this is a challenge. I'm not going to bring men home with my kids there. My older ones are up late, not like when they were younger and in bed early. A few years back I could get a sitter, go out for dinner, bring someone home, send the sitter on her way and know the kids were out like rocks until morning. I didn't worry about making noise or waking them up. Not the same now. With teenagers I try to be more discreet and lead by example. I'm not going to let my teenagers bring people home for sex so I have a hard time allowing myself to do it. Sex is meant to be enjoyed. If I'm worried about making noise or I know my teenagers are awake down stairs in the living room or across the hall in their bedroom, I just can't let go and enjoy myself and my partner probably won't either. With our luck my six year-old will be banging on my door asking what we're doing!
Even worse when you date another single parent that also has full-time custody of their kids. Especially when they think the same way I do. Where do we go? What do we do? Is there truly a negative impact to our kids or is it just us being too over protective? It shouldn't be this complicated, our parents had sex and we turned out fine. At my age do I really want to be making out in the back seat of a car? Might be a fun thing to do once in a while, but really? No, at my age a bed is far more comfortable and not the first time. I didn't even do that as a teenager, besides where would we go? There used to be a few lovers' lanes around the city, but with all this construction and new housing projects they're all gone. Man I feel old!
There's also feeling really rusty and out of practice. You start to wonder whether you can even do it! Sex is supposed to be like riding a bike, you never forget. Yeah right! It's not about forgetting what it's like or how wonderful it can be. I can't speak for others, but I feel self-conscious and inexperienced. Kind of like becoming a born again virgin! Dating is supposed to be fun, but it's stressful. Who calls who first? How often to text or email? How far in advance should plans be made? Who pays when you go out? When do you have sex for the first time? Where do you have sex? How do you even get to that discussion? Then the oh so fun one....safe sex and birth control! Am I just overthinking? We are by far our own worst critics.
When I explained to my girlfriend all of the above, she better understood and agreed. Being single and living on your own or with roommates definitely makes dating a lot easier. You have so much more freedom. One can come and go as one pleases. With children in the picture, you have to be more responsible and protective. My children in particular have been through a lot. I've seen how quickly they can become attached to someone and then get hurt when that person suddenly disappears. I don't want just anyone around my kids or a revolving door of strangers. The person has to be respectful, someone who's a positive role model. I'm not looking for a Dad, but hopefully one day he will treat them as his own. In turn I would also want my children to accept and grow to love him. If they can't get along and accept each other, it isn't going to work for me or any of us.
Ok, time to sift through more emails. My perfect match has to be out there somewhere. I think he's lost, he should really ask for directions! Lol
Good luck and stay tuned to my dating adventures!
Dateless in Ottawa
There aren't many options, so back to online dating I went to sift through more profiles and emails. Not sure what was going on. This time around I was getting way more emails - wait, quantity yes. Quality??? Well, that's another story! Are there suddenly more single people? Was there a sudden spike in divorce rates and break-ups? Are more married men suffering from a mid-life crisis looking to cheat and play games? Is Spring fever to blame? Very odd, but on a positive note perhaps more potential candidates???
Statistics claim that one has to meet upwards of 100 potential candidates before finding a match. I'm no where near 100, so sadly this means my search has only just begun. I'm trying to stay positive and simply enjoy the moment, but it's hard.
When talking to girlfriends, I ask them for their opinions, tips, tricks, advice anything that can help me in my quest to find a man. Kind of hard for them to help when they've all been married forever. Things weren't like this years ago, they have no clue what it's like trying to date in 2018. At my age, I find it harder to date. Everyone says it should be easier, but it's not. First of all I'm a single Mom of 4 kids aged 17 and under. They live with me full-time so obviously a lot of my time is devoted to my kids. Then add to that a very demanding job that has me travelling frequently. Interestingly enough, I am very creative. No matter how busy I am, I manage to find the time to schedule just about anything. Whether it's an impromptu shopping adventure to the US, kids' sports competition, a ballet, brunch with a close friend, catering for a church function, visiting family or a girls' night out, magically my calendar suddenly has openings to accommodate everyone! I actually manage to impress myself, not sure how I do it.
I think what I find hardest is the intimacy part. You meet someone, enjoy their company and sooner or later sex has to happen. The physical aspect is extremely important and will certainly make or break a relationship. At my house this is a challenge. I'm not going to bring men home with my kids there. My older ones are up late, not like when they were younger and in bed early. A few years back I could get a sitter, go out for dinner, bring someone home, send the sitter on her way and know the kids were out like rocks until morning. I didn't worry about making noise or waking them up. Not the same now. With teenagers I try to be more discreet and lead by example. I'm not going to let my teenagers bring people home for sex so I have a hard time allowing myself to do it. Sex is meant to be enjoyed. If I'm worried about making noise or I know my teenagers are awake down stairs in the living room or across the hall in their bedroom, I just can't let go and enjoy myself and my partner probably won't either. With our luck my six year-old will be banging on my door asking what we're doing!
Even worse when you date another single parent that also has full-time custody of their kids. Especially when they think the same way I do. Where do we go? What do we do? Is there truly a negative impact to our kids or is it just us being too over protective? It shouldn't be this complicated, our parents had sex and we turned out fine. At my age do I really want to be making out in the back seat of a car? Might be a fun thing to do once in a while, but really? No, at my age a bed is far more comfortable and not the first time. I didn't even do that as a teenager, besides where would we go? There used to be a few lovers' lanes around the city, but with all this construction and new housing projects they're all gone. Man I feel old!
There's also feeling really rusty and out of practice. You start to wonder whether you can even do it! Sex is supposed to be like riding a bike, you never forget. Yeah right! It's not about forgetting what it's like or how wonderful it can be. I can't speak for others, but I feel self-conscious and inexperienced. Kind of like becoming a born again virgin! Dating is supposed to be fun, but it's stressful. Who calls who first? How often to text or email? How far in advance should plans be made? Who pays when you go out? When do you have sex for the first time? Where do you have sex? How do you even get to that discussion? Then the oh so fun one....safe sex and birth control! Am I just overthinking? We are by far our own worst critics.
When I explained to my girlfriend all of the above, she better understood and agreed. Being single and living on your own or with roommates definitely makes dating a lot easier. You have so much more freedom. One can come and go as one pleases. With children in the picture, you have to be more responsible and protective. My children in particular have been through a lot. I've seen how quickly they can become attached to someone and then get hurt when that person suddenly disappears. I don't want just anyone around my kids or a revolving door of strangers. The person has to be respectful, someone who's a positive role model. I'm not looking for a Dad, but hopefully one day he will treat them as his own. In turn I would also want my children to accept and grow to love him. If they can't get along and accept each other, it isn't going to work for me or any of us.
Ok, time to sift through more emails. My perfect match has to be out there somewhere. I think he's lost, he should really ask for directions! Lol
Good luck and stay tuned to my dating adventures!
Dateless in Ottawa
Wednesday, 2 May 2018
Online Dating and the lack of communication and honesty
Why do men have such a hard time being honest and communicating? No doubt women using online dating are equally guilty of this based on comments from my guy friends, but I'll focus on my experiences with men.
Funny how some men can email and text until the cows come home, especially if you're talking about sex, but try to get them to meet and OMG you'd think you asked them to donate one of their testicles. Isn't the whole point of online dating to get out and meet people? You know....date??? Online dating sites should add another category - pen pal. There are guys that write endlessly. What's up with that? It's obvious they have absolutely no intention of meeting, usually you can't even get them to talk on the phone. The best is when they seem all excited and make suggestions, only to cancel at the last minute. Watch for these signs. Every time you suggest meeting or try to make plans, they come up with an excuse. Incredible how often men have a headache, are suddenly sick, have to work or forgot a relative's birthday. So much for headaches being a female problem. If you don't intend to get out and meet people, you shouldn't be on an online dating site. Funny that these are the same guys that go on about people wasting their time and not knowing what they want. Really? Give your head a shake and go look in a mirror. The person staring back at you, he's the one guilty of wasting people's time.
Then there's the others who you're finally able to meet, everything seems to go well, you go out again, talk on the phone, keep texting and then POOF! The guy pulls a Houdini and vanishes into thin air. No explanation, no good bye. You're left hanging wondering WTF? It's hard not to develop an emotional attachment when you've been corresponding and seeing someone for several weeks. We're human, it's normal. But when the person suddenly disappears, they stop responding to emails and texts and don't answer their phone of course you're going to worry and assume the worst. Initially you hold out hope that something happened or they're busy and will get back to you eventually, but after a while reality sinks in. It becomes painfully obvious they won't be responding. Some guys go to the extreme of deleting their profile and cancelling their cell phone. Sadly weeks later they reappear with an entirely new profile, but the same pictures. You become angry, question whether you did or said something wrong. Did you misread the body language? You seemed to be getting closer and were making plans weeks in advance. Often times he was the one that initiated and suggested going out. What changed so abruptly? There seemed to be a connection, things were progressing. It was obvious there was an attraction or so I thought. You're left hanging. These ones really hurt.
I get it, sometimes it's hard to be honest. Easier to run, hide and avoid confrontation in case the other person demands answers or gets upset. We don't always have an answer for the "why" question. Nothing worse than having to deliver bad news to another person, but dammit we're adults. As difficult and awkward as it can be, honesty is the best way to go. If you can't be a man and do it in person, take the cowardly route and at the very least send an email or a text. Personally I don't want to waste anyone's time and I don't want them to waste mine either. Life is too short and we're all busy with our responsibilities to behave worse than a child in kindergarten who seems to change boyfriends daily when he doesn't share the toy she wants. Why is there such a blatant lack of respect and consideration? If you don't like someone, say so. If you meet someone else you like better, so be it. Maybe you thought this was what you wanted, but suddenly it isn't working for you. We're human and allowed to change our minds. It's ok, not the end of the world. Don't string a person along and mislead them, that's far more cruel.
When you meet someone who's genuinely nice, but you simply don't feel any chemistry it can be all the more difficult to break the bad news that you're just not into them. Shouldn't be a big deal if it's only your first date. Usually one date is all you need to determine whether or not there's chemistry and/or relationship potential. You may go out again just to be sure, but if you're still not feeling it bow out gracefully. I've been on the receiving end many times, but I'll tell you I have far more respect for a man that can be honest with me. Can't say I've ever enjoyed being the bearer of bad news, but I didn't feel I had a choice. No point in dragging things out or pretending that I felt something that I didn't. For instance I can't be intimate with someone I don't feel an attraction to or chemistry. I'm sure many can, but not me. I've met some really nice guys that I could talk to and laugh with for hours, but I knew there was no relationship potential even if we did have many things in common. My gut instinct is usually fairly accurate. Being open to a friendship is a possibility, but not always possible depending on how the other person feels.
Dating is like trial and error. You don't know if you don't try. Until you actually meet in person, there is no way to determine whether physical attraction and chemistry exists. A picture gets your attention, but will he even look like it in person? No matter how strong a connection you seem to have via email, texting or talking on the phone, that connection may not translate when you meet in person.
Why do people, men in this case, find it so much easier to lie? Many are married, yet they state on their profile they are single or divorced. The truth always comes out, why live a lie? How do they manage to keep track of what they've said to who? It becomes a full-time job keeping track of all the lies and stories. I love the separated category, from my experience it means very married just looking to fool around on the side. Then there's those that claim to be looking for a serious relationship, sure you mean jumping from bed to bed like it's a marathon because you're going through a mid-life crisis?
Make your intentions clear. Online dating sites have thousands if not millions of potential candidates all with different preferences and needs so there will be someone out there for you. To each his own, no doubt there are women out there that don't have an issue being with a married man. If you just want sex, say so I'm sure you'll find some takers. Just be honest, you might not know exactly what you want. Things might be great one minute and then you change your mind, that's ok just be honest. Communication is the key.
At the end of the day, all I can say is --- Please, please, please be honest. Don't inflict unnecessary pain on another who is being kind, caring and honest. Yes, amazingly enough in this cold disposable world we live in there still are some nice, honest people left. Be considerate.
Remember that time is the greatest gift another person can give you because it's something you can never get back. Stop being selfish and don't waste their time. Release them and let them go find the happiness they deserve. That should be your goal too.
Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
Funny how some men can email and text until the cows come home, especially if you're talking about sex, but try to get them to meet and OMG you'd think you asked them to donate one of their testicles. Isn't the whole point of online dating to get out and meet people? You know....date??? Online dating sites should add another category - pen pal. There are guys that write endlessly. What's up with that? It's obvious they have absolutely no intention of meeting, usually you can't even get them to talk on the phone. The best is when they seem all excited and make suggestions, only to cancel at the last minute. Watch for these signs. Every time you suggest meeting or try to make plans, they come up with an excuse. Incredible how often men have a headache, are suddenly sick, have to work or forgot a relative's birthday. So much for headaches being a female problem. If you don't intend to get out and meet people, you shouldn't be on an online dating site. Funny that these are the same guys that go on about people wasting their time and not knowing what they want. Really? Give your head a shake and go look in a mirror. The person staring back at you, he's the one guilty of wasting people's time.
Then there's the others who you're finally able to meet, everything seems to go well, you go out again, talk on the phone, keep texting and then POOF! The guy pulls a Houdini and vanishes into thin air. No explanation, no good bye. You're left hanging wondering WTF? It's hard not to develop an emotional attachment when you've been corresponding and seeing someone for several weeks. We're human, it's normal. But when the person suddenly disappears, they stop responding to emails and texts and don't answer their phone of course you're going to worry and assume the worst. Initially you hold out hope that something happened or they're busy and will get back to you eventually, but after a while reality sinks in. It becomes painfully obvious they won't be responding. Some guys go to the extreme of deleting their profile and cancelling their cell phone. Sadly weeks later they reappear with an entirely new profile, but the same pictures. You become angry, question whether you did or said something wrong. Did you misread the body language? You seemed to be getting closer and were making plans weeks in advance. Often times he was the one that initiated and suggested going out. What changed so abruptly? There seemed to be a connection, things were progressing. It was obvious there was an attraction or so I thought. You're left hanging. These ones really hurt.
I get it, sometimes it's hard to be honest. Easier to run, hide and avoid confrontation in case the other person demands answers or gets upset. We don't always have an answer for the "why" question. Nothing worse than having to deliver bad news to another person, but dammit we're adults. As difficult and awkward as it can be, honesty is the best way to go. If you can't be a man and do it in person, take the cowardly route and at the very least send an email or a text. Personally I don't want to waste anyone's time and I don't want them to waste mine either. Life is too short and we're all busy with our responsibilities to behave worse than a child in kindergarten who seems to change boyfriends daily when he doesn't share the toy she wants. Why is there such a blatant lack of respect and consideration? If you don't like someone, say so. If you meet someone else you like better, so be it. Maybe you thought this was what you wanted, but suddenly it isn't working for you. We're human and allowed to change our minds. It's ok, not the end of the world. Don't string a person along and mislead them, that's far more cruel.
When you meet someone who's genuinely nice, but you simply don't feel any chemistry it can be all the more difficult to break the bad news that you're just not into them. Shouldn't be a big deal if it's only your first date. Usually one date is all you need to determine whether or not there's chemistry and/or relationship potential. You may go out again just to be sure, but if you're still not feeling it bow out gracefully. I've been on the receiving end many times, but I'll tell you I have far more respect for a man that can be honest with me. Can't say I've ever enjoyed being the bearer of bad news, but I didn't feel I had a choice. No point in dragging things out or pretending that I felt something that I didn't. For instance I can't be intimate with someone I don't feel an attraction to or chemistry. I'm sure many can, but not me. I've met some really nice guys that I could talk to and laugh with for hours, but I knew there was no relationship potential even if we did have many things in common. My gut instinct is usually fairly accurate. Being open to a friendship is a possibility, but not always possible depending on how the other person feels.
Dating is like trial and error. You don't know if you don't try. Until you actually meet in person, there is no way to determine whether physical attraction and chemistry exists. A picture gets your attention, but will he even look like it in person? No matter how strong a connection you seem to have via email, texting or talking on the phone, that connection may not translate when you meet in person.
Why do people, men in this case, find it so much easier to lie? Many are married, yet they state on their profile they are single or divorced. The truth always comes out, why live a lie? How do they manage to keep track of what they've said to who? It becomes a full-time job keeping track of all the lies and stories. I love the separated category, from my experience it means very married just looking to fool around on the side. Then there's those that claim to be looking for a serious relationship, sure you mean jumping from bed to bed like it's a marathon because you're going through a mid-life crisis?
Make your intentions clear. Online dating sites have thousands if not millions of potential candidates all with different preferences and needs so there will be someone out there for you. To each his own, no doubt there are women out there that don't have an issue being with a married man. If you just want sex, say so I'm sure you'll find some takers. Just be honest, you might not know exactly what you want. Things might be great one minute and then you change your mind, that's ok just be honest. Communication is the key.
At the end of the day, all I can say is --- Please, please, please be honest. Don't inflict unnecessary pain on another who is being kind, caring and honest. Yes, amazingly enough in this cold disposable world we live in there still are some nice, honest people left. Be considerate.
Remember that time is the greatest gift another person can give you because it's something you can never get back. Stop being selfish and don't waste their time. Release them and let them go find the happiness they deserve. That should be your goal too.
Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
Sunday, 29 April 2018
The Men of Online Dating Round 34
My goodness, I don't know where to start. Within less than 24 hours, my inbox had over 30 emails. I was shocked when I logged into my email account and saw all of the new email notifications. A few guys had also added me as a favourite. Ok, time to log into POF and start reading. I figured it would be best to start at the bottom and work my way up the list. While logged in, emails kept coming in. Years ago dating sites had a chat feature, thankfully that feature no longer exists on POF. I'm not good at carrying on several chat conversations at once. Even with text messaging, one at a time please!
1. Mr. Renovations
The profile picture was familiar. This guy has been on the site for a long time using the same profile and picture. I never wrote because a guy using a profile pic with a pet right up against his face and wearing sunglasses is not appealing to me. As I've mentionned before, when a person wears sunglasses you can't see their full face or eyes like they're trying to hide something. He was the same age as me, shaved head and tall at 6'2". Some of his interests were similar to mine. Profile stated he was divorced, didn't have children and he was undecided about having children.
His introductory email was funny, so I had to respond. We wrote back and for a couple days, then he suggested texting and soon after we talked on the phone. He was extremely funny and I enjoyed our interactions. During one of our conversations I learned he wasn't in fact divorced. He said he was in the process of getting divorced. Yeah right, I've heard that one before. Then out of the blue he sends a crotch shot. I was so not impressed. He immediately apologized, but the damage was done. He continues to write, but it's obvious he's looking for one thing with no intention of making an effort at building a relationship or perhaps all he needs is a pen pal so, NEXT!
2. The Bus Driver
He was 51 so a bit older. His head was shaved, but you could tell his hair colour was salt and pepper. He was single, never married and had no children, unusual for this age group. Heightwise he was only 5'7". His interests were similar to mine in that he loved to travel, went away at least once a year, liked good food and cooking. To stay active he played hockey and swam. The profile pic was nothing special, but his blue eyes really stood out. I'm a sucker for beautiful eyes and great smiles.
His introductory email made me laugh. He said he found me attractive and loved my profile, but sadly he was only 5'7" so didn't "measure up" to my criteria. I responded that height isn't everything, there are other qualities that are far more important. Taller is simply my preference, but not carved in stone. He seemed surprised and asked if I'd be willing to meet. I responded yes, after all the only way to determine compatibility is by meeting. But first we should email a bit to see if we have enough in common. One of my concerns was children. He didn't have any and from my experience, most men go running for the hills when they learn I have 4. Turns out he wanted kids, but it just never happened. For years he had taken care of his ailing mother and that negatively impacted his relationships. He claimed to love kids and had many nephews and nieces.
We had great conversations. He was handy and in the process of renovating his condo. He wanted to convert it to a rental unit or sell it and buy a small house to fix up. He worked odd hours so this also made it hard to maintain a relationship.
He went to the same Jr. High School and had some of the same teachers I did, but a few years earlier. It was really neat to also learn he had lived in the same neighbourhood I grew up in. What a small world. We finally decided to meet for breakfast. The day arrives and he texts early in the morning to cancel. Said he was sick. The tone was a bit abrupt and he felt the need to go into graphic details about having the runs and how awkward it would be to spend the entire date in the washroom... just what I needed to hear. Ok, there was no offer to reschedule and I would've appreciated less details. Ball was in his court, I wasn't going to try to reschedule. I was leaving on business the following week and would be away for 6 days. He eventually wrote and we talked a couple of times while I was away. When I got back, we agreed to meet for coffee at Tim Hortons. I was disappointed. For the most part he looked like his picture, but he was not 5'7 and his body type was definitely not what I would consider to be athletic. Whatever, I was out so let's make the best of it. The conversation was interesting and I enjoyed his company. Eventually it got really busy and way too noisy for my taste so we decided to leave. He gave me a hug, a quick peck and off we went.
That night he texted and out of the blue the sexual comments began. Up to this point he had been very polite and respectful which I greatly appreciated. Suddenly things changed. I didn't like his texts and he said the same things during phone conversations. I made it clear I didn't like it, but he continued anyways. How does one respond to, "You're edible, oh so edible" or "I'm betting I can make you so excited that you'll slide off that chair." Ok, for the record he was texting and I wasn't sitting on a chair. I found it very disturbing and didn't respond. Gave off a creepy old man kind of vibe which was a major turn off. This continued over the weekend. He obviously noticed I wasn't responding and at one point he wrote to ask if I was ok with him. No, I was not. First thing Monday morning I texted and explained I didn't enjoy all of his edible and eating comments, that I didn't think I was the one for him and wished him luck with his search.
He emailed a couple of times on POF when he saw I was online and claimed he didn't mean anything by it and didn't expect anything, just found me very attractive. Duh!!! As if he couldn't just say, "I find you attractive." He went on to say I should reconsider. Sorry, not happening. When I'm done, I'm done. Good luck to you!
3. The Pretty Boy
We were the same age, he was 6'2" with a full head of black hair and amazing blue eyes. He was quite attractive. The profile was well written. Under occupation it stated finance. He was divorced with a 10 year old son. From his pictures it was obvious he liked to travel and he looked athletic. We had fun exchanging emails and he quickly suggested moving to texting. This is when all the sexual questions started. He said the physical aspect of a relationship was extremely important to him and he needed to be sure a potential mate was on the same page before getting too invested. I get that to a point, but his questions were way too personal. It's best to get to know each other and go from there. Do I like sex? Yes, enough said.
When I got back from another business trip, he suggested we meet for drinks. I agreed. We were to meet at Joey's for 7:00 pm. I showed up and so did he apparently, but the date didn't happen. At one point a guy walked in, then turned around and left. I noticed him, but he didn't look anything like the profile pictures so I didn't pay attention. This guy looked like he had just rolled out of bed. He was wearing what looked like skinny jogging pants tucked into his socks. The jacket sleeves and body were way too short for someone so tall and his hair was long and dishevelled. He was really skinny, unattractively so. I texted and said I would wait at the entrance. He texted and said he was there, but never came over so I left. Figured I had been stood up, oh well I did my groceries so all was not lost.
The following morning he texted to say, "Sorry, didn't like what I saw so I left." WTF? Wait a minute, it was the guy that walked in then left after all. I told him he severely lacked etiquette and class, not to mention he didn't look anything like his profile pictures. There was no resemblance what so ever to the pictures posted on the profile. "Good luck with your search and thanks for leaving, you're so not my type!" I still can't believe he did that. How rude! And this guy thinks he's God's gift to women??? Not! Wound up having to block him. He got really rude and claimed I didn't look like the cutie he was talking to. Obviously he was juggling too many women and had me confused with someone else. Unreal!
In addition to the wonderful candidates above, there were many rude emails and others soliciting sex. Then the usual "Hi" and "Hey" emails. Not too surprising I suppose. Terrible start to Round 34. The emails kept coming in, but I needed a break. Maybe next week I'd build up enough courage to log back in and read a few more. How disappointing that grown men have to behave this way.
Treat others as you would like to be treated. Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
1. Mr. Renovations
The profile picture was familiar. This guy has been on the site for a long time using the same profile and picture. I never wrote because a guy using a profile pic with a pet right up against his face and wearing sunglasses is not appealing to me. As I've mentionned before, when a person wears sunglasses you can't see their full face or eyes like they're trying to hide something. He was the same age as me, shaved head and tall at 6'2". Some of his interests were similar to mine. Profile stated he was divorced, didn't have children and he was undecided about having children.
His introductory email was funny, so I had to respond. We wrote back and for a couple days, then he suggested texting and soon after we talked on the phone. He was extremely funny and I enjoyed our interactions. During one of our conversations I learned he wasn't in fact divorced. He said he was in the process of getting divorced. Yeah right, I've heard that one before. Then out of the blue he sends a crotch shot. I was so not impressed. He immediately apologized, but the damage was done. He continues to write, but it's obvious he's looking for one thing with no intention of making an effort at building a relationship or perhaps all he needs is a pen pal so, NEXT!
2. The Bus Driver
He was 51 so a bit older. His head was shaved, but you could tell his hair colour was salt and pepper. He was single, never married and had no children, unusual for this age group. Heightwise he was only 5'7". His interests were similar to mine in that he loved to travel, went away at least once a year, liked good food and cooking. To stay active he played hockey and swam. The profile pic was nothing special, but his blue eyes really stood out. I'm a sucker for beautiful eyes and great smiles.
His introductory email made me laugh. He said he found me attractive and loved my profile, but sadly he was only 5'7" so didn't "measure up" to my criteria. I responded that height isn't everything, there are other qualities that are far more important. Taller is simply my preference, but not carved in stone. He seemed surprised and asked if I'd be willing to meet. I responded yes, after all the only way to determine compatibility is by meeting. But first we should email a bit to see if we have enough in common. One of my concerns was children. He didn't have any and from my experience, most men go running for the hills when they learn I have 4. Turns out he wanted kids, but it just never happened. For years he had taken care of his ailing mother and that negatively impacted his relationships. He claimed to love kids and had many nephews and nieces.
We had great conversations. He was handy and in the process of renovating his condo. He wanted to convert it to a rental unit or sell it and buy a small house to fix up. He worked odd hours so this also made it hard to maintain a relationship.
He went to the same Jr. High School and had some of the same teachers I did, but a few years earlier. It was really neat to also learn he had lived in the same neighbourhood I grew up in. What a small world. We finally decided to meet for breakfast. The day arrives and he texts early in the morning to cancel. Said he was sick. The tone was a bit abrupt and he felt the need to go into graphic details about having the runs and how awkward it would be to spend the entire date in the washroom... just what I needed to hear. Ok, there was no offer to reschedule and I would've appreciated less details. Ball was in his court, I wasn't going to try to reschedule. I was leaving on business the following week and would be away for 6 days. He eventually wrote and we talked a couple of times while I was away. When I got back, we agreed to meet for coffee at Tim Hortons. I was disappointed. For the most part he looked like his picture, but he was not 5'7 and his body type was definitely not what I would consider to be athletic. Whatever, I was out so let's make the best of it. The conversation was interesting and I enjoyed his company. Eventually it got really busy and way too noisy for my taste so we decided to leave. He gave me a hug, a quick peck and off we went.
That night he texted and out of the blue the sexual comments began. Up to this point he had been very polite and respectful which I greatly appreciated. Suddenly things changed. I didn't like his texts and he said the same things during phone conversations. I made it clear I didn't like it, but he continued anyways. How does one respond to, "You're edible, oh so edible" or "I'm betting I can make you so excited that you'll slide off that chair." Ok, for the record he was texting and I wasn't sitting on a chair. I found it very disturbing and didn't respond. Gave off a creepy old man kind of vibe which was a major turn off. This continued over the weekend. He obviously noticed I wasn't responding and at one point he wrote to ask if I was ok with him. No, I was not. First thing Monday morning I texted and explained I didn't enjoy all of his edible and eating comments, that I didn't think I was the one for him and wished him luck with his search.
He emailed a couple of times on POF when he saw I was online and claimed he didn't mean anything by it and didn't expect anything, just found me very attractive. Duh!!! As if he couldn't just say, "I find you attractive." He went on to say I should reconsider. Sorry, not happening. When I'm done, I'm done. Good luck to you!
3. The Pretty Boy
We were the same age, he was 6'2" with a full head of black hair and amazing blue eyes. He was quite attractive. The profile was well written. Under occupation it stated finance. He was divorced with a 10 year old son. From his pictures it was obvious he liked to travel and he looked athletic. We had fun exchanging emails and he quickly suggested moving to texting. This is when all the sexual questions started. He said the physical aspect of a relationship was extremely important to him and he needed to be sure a potential mate was on the same page before getting too invested. I get that to a point, but his questions were way too personal. It's best to get to know each other and go from there. Do I like sex? Yes, enough said.
When I got back from another business trip, he suggested we meet for drinks. I agreed. We were to meet at Joey's for 7:00 pm. I showed up and so did he apparently, but the date didn't happen. At one point a guy walked in, then turned around and left. I noticed him, but he didn't look anything like the profile pictures so I didn't pay attention. This guy looked like he had just rolled out of bed. He was wearing what looked like skinny jogging pants tucked into his socks. The jacket sleeves and body were way too short for someone so tall and his hair was long and dishevelled. He was really skinny, unattractively so. I texted and said I would wait at the entrance. He texted and said he was there, but never came over so I left. Figured I had been stood up, oh well I did my groceries so all was not lost.
The following morning he texted to say, "Sorry, didn't like what I saw so I left." WTF? Wait a minute, it was the guy that walked in then left after all. I told him he severely lacked etiquette and class, not to mention he didn't look anything like his profile pictures. There was no resemblance what so ever to the pictures posted on the profile. "Good luck with your search and thanks for leaving, you're so not my type!" I still can't believe he did that. How rude! And this guy thinks he's God's gift to women??? Not! Wound up having to block him. He got really rude and claimed I didn't look like the cutie he was talking to. Obviously he was juggling too many women and had me confused with someone else. Unreal!
Monday, 23 April 2018
Round 34 - Ready, set, go!!!!
A mere seconds after activating my profile, the emails started pouring in. I guess I was the fresh bait and the piranhas started circling! Lol
My goodness, nothing could have prepared me for the endless barrage of emails. I've used online dating many times over the years, but I've never gotten this many emails in such a short period of time. It was insane. Any time I was logged into the site, it was worse probably because they could see I was online and more likely that I would show up in searches within my city and under new users. Now I totally understand how Nemo and Dory felt when they were surrounded by seagulls yelling, "Mine!", "Mine!", "Mine!" Talk about feeling like a piece of meat!
Part of me felt excited, but I'm not used to getting so much attention so it felt weird. At the same time I felt overwhelmed and scared. Was I really ready to date? The key was to remain hopeful and go with the flow. I told myself to have fun and enjoy the attention!
At times having a profile on a dating site makes me feel like I'm a mail order bride or a product in a Sears catalogue. You have a picture(s), list of interests (equivalent to features I suppose!), likes, dislikes, some personal info about you...a bit of everything. No matter how well written your profile is, at the end of the day your picture(s) are what get the most attention. If the men like what they see, there's a higher likelihood they will email you.
Funny that no matter how specific you make your criteria when setting up your preferences and what you write in your profile in an effort to weed out the creeps, some how they still manage to get through and email you.
Popular work arounds:
1. Age
This is the easiest category to play with because when you create your profile, you can put whatever date of birth you want. Pick an age, any age! You want a summer birthday instead of a winter one, you can have that too! The only catch is that you only have 48 hours to make corrections, otherwise you're stuck with that age. If only I could permanently shed 20 years off my age!
Many guys will tell you in their profile that they lied about their age. Kudos for being honest, but if I say I'm looking for a man aged 45-55 don't expect me to give you the time of day. Not to mention you're being dishonest because the search tool works based on the date of birth appearing in your profile. I'm not here to waste anyone's time, so please don't waste mine. Yes there's the age old saying, "Age doesn't define you", but I know what I want and I'm not budging on this one.
Flattering when guys in their 20's and 30's write, "I'm really 27, but I prefer older more experienced women so I lied about my age so I could write to you." Thanks for the compliment, I think? But I don't recall writing that I offer Chivalry, Diaper Changing and Sex 101 classes in my profile.
Then there's the older guys, I love how they try to justify lying about their age. "I may be 65, but everyone tells me I look like I'm 40." Yeah dude, just saw your profile pictures. So you looked 40, back when you were 40??? Unbelievable!
2. Body Type
This one is very subjective. Hard not to laugh when you see some of the profile pictures then read what the user chose for their body type. Athletic is probably the most frequently used, perhaps too much so! If they only have head shots posted, chances are their body type would fall into the average or a few extra pounds category. Others go with "prefer not to say", but it's kind of obvious when you see the pictures. Not sure a beer belly or being very overweight classify you as being athletic. I'm all for confidence, it's very sexy, but be realistic. Lying on the other hand, is a turn off. I always err on the side of caution and list myself as being average or a few extra pounds. Better to undersell and over deliver vs. oversell and under deliver!
3. Relationship Status
This is the category where many lie. Once again you can choose whatever you want, kind of like the age. You might be married, but decide you're going to say single or divorced. The system has no way of verifying the information you enter. I specifically want someone who's single, divorced or widowed. Sad that they choose to lie. Sooner or later the truth always comes out so what's the point? No doubt there may be women out there that are ok with having a relationship with a married man, I am not.
Stay tuned for stories about my roller coaster ride of Round 34. Have a great week!
Dateless in Ottawa
My goodness, nothing could have prepared me for the endless barrage of emails. I've used online dating many times over the years, but I've never gotten this many emails in such a short period of time. It was insane. Any time I was logged into the site, it was worse probably because they could see I was online and more likely that I would show up in searches within my city and under new users. Now I totally understand how Nemo and Dory felt when they were surrounded by seagulls yelling, "Mine!", "Mine!", "Mine!" Talk about feeling like a piece of meat!
Part of me felt excited, but I'm not used to getting so much attention so it felt weird. At the same time I felt overwhelmed and scared. Was I really ready to date? The key was to remain hopeful and go with the flow. I told myself to have fun and enjoy the attention!
At times having a profile on a dating site makes me feel like I'm a mail order bride or a product in a Sears catalogue. You have a picture(s), list of interests (equivalent to features I suppose!), likes, dislikes, some personal info about you...a bit of everything. No matter how well written your profile is, at the end of the day your picture(s) are what get the most attention. If the men like what they see, there's a higher likelihood they will email you.
Funny that no matter how specific you make your criteria when setting up your preferences and what you write in your profile in an effort to weed out the creeps, some how they still manage to get through and email you.
Popular work arounds:
1. Age
This is the easiest category to play with because when you create your profile, you can put whatever date of birth you want. Pick an age, any age! You want a summer birthday instead of a winter one, you can have that too! The only catch is that you only have 48 hours to make corrections, otherwise you're stuck with that age. If only I could permanently shed 20 years off my age!
Many guys will tell you in their profile that they lied about their age. Kudos for being honest, but if I say I'm looking for a man aged 45-55 don't expect me to give you the time of day. Not to mention you're being dishonest because the search tool works based on the date of birth appearing in your profile. I'm not here to waste anyone's time, so please don't waste mine. Yes there's the age old saying, "Age doesn't define you", but I know what I want and I'm not budging on this one.
Flattering when guys in their 20's and 30's write, "I'm really 27, but I prefer older more experienced women so I lied about my age so I could write to you." Thanks for the compliment, I think? But I don't recall writing that I offer Chivalry, Diaper Changing and Sex 101 classes in my profile.
Then there's the older guys, I love how they try to justify lying about their age. "I may be 65, but everyone tells me I look like I'm 40." Yeah dude, just saw your profile pictures. So you looked 40, back when you were 40??? Unbelievable!
2. Body Type
This one is very subjective. Hard not to laugh when you see some of the profile pictures then read what the user chose for their body type. Athletic is probably the most frequently used, perhaps too much so! If they only have head shots posted, chances are their body type would fall into the average or a few extra pounds category. Others go with "prefer not to say", but it's kind of obvious when you see the pictures. Not sure a beer belly or being very overweight classify you as being athletic. I'm all for confidence, it's very sexy, but be realistic. Lying on the other hand, is a turn off. I always err on the side of caution and list myself as being average or a few extra pounds. Better to undersell and over deliver vs. oversell and under deliver!
3. Relationship Status
This is the category where many lie. Once again you can choose whatever you want, kind of like the age. You might be married, but decide you're going to say single or divorced. The system has no way of verifying the information you enter. I specifically want someone who's single, divorced or widowed. Sad that they choose to lie. Sooner or later the truth always comes out so what's the point? No doubt there may be women out there that are ok with having a relationship with a married man, I am not.
Stay tuned for stories about my roller coaster ride of Round 34. Have a great week!
Dateless in Ottawa
Saturday, 14 April 2018
What thoughts go through your mind when you look at a profile?
What is the purpose of a profile?
After talking to a close friend and getting his take on the purpose of a profile, I had to write a post.
According to my friend, when you...no wait allow me to clarify, when a man looks at and reads a profile he's looking to answer the following 2 questions:
1. Do I see myself sleeping with that person?
2. Would I be embarrassed to be seen out in public with that person?
He confessed that he's not too concerned with what's written in the profile as most people (mainly guys) don't read them anyways. I told him not to generalize as I do read the entire profile and it's important.
Personally I found his assessment way too harsh. I protested that he was being a typical male where everything revolves around appearance and sex. I felt angry and insulted at the same time. That's not how I want people to think when they look at my profile. He made it sound like profiles are cuts of meat on display at the butcher's..."Wow, check out that cut it looks good, not wait that one looks even better." I put a lot of time, effort and thought into how I describe myself and choose tasteful pictures that are recent and true representations of me. After a heated debate, I had to stop and think. What goes through my mind when I look at a profile? What am I looking for? What catches my attention? I was stumped, he really made me think.
First of all, we all have preferences. Some may be less important, others more rigid. Personally, tall, dark and handsome has always been my thing. Definitely prefer stocky over thin or athletic. Why? Can't say I'm completely sure why, but being taller than average I prefer that my significant other to be taller than me. I'm a brunette with dark eyes, does that influence my preference? Maybe. It's not to say I wouldn't date someone blond with blue eyes or a red head with green eyes because I have, but most of the guys I've dated had dark hair and dark eyes. I think in general I'm pretty open minded and flexible.
So what do I think when I look at a profile?
First of all, it depends on whether I'm simply searching through profiles or reading an email I received.
When establishing search criteria, the following are extremely important to me:
a) Marital status
- He must be single, divorced or widowed
b) Age
- My acceptable age range is based on my age. A few years younger to a few years older, usually about a 10 year range.
c) Distance
- My preference would be within 25 km, but I can be somewhat flexible on this one.
d) Height
- Minimum of 5'10" would be nice. My standards have dropped significantly because years ago my minimum acceptable height was 6'. One has to be reasonable and adaptable or at least try? Lol
e) Employment status
- Must be gainfully employed, retired or independently wealthy. No I'm not a gold digger, but if I wanted another dependent, I'd have another child.
f) Non-smoker
- I can handle the occasional cigar and maybe a social smoker.
g) No substance abuse
- Whether drugs or alcohol, I'll pass. Allow me to further add gambler.
h) Own a vehicle
- A relationship is give and take so I would expect my significant other to be able to come and see me or take turns driving. There could be exceptions due to a disability, but in general having a vehicle is my preference. Mom's Uber service is already overextended!
i) Race/ethnic background
- Typically I'm drawn to caucasians or men with an olive complexion, but it's not to say I wouldn't date others because I have.
I don't dwell too much on religion, hair/eye colour, occupation, interests or whether they have kids. We can address these later.
When I receive an email, the first thing I do is read it. A simple "Hi" or "Hey" isn't going to get my attention. An honest effort that demonstrates you took the time to read my profile will score you major brownie points and get my attention. After reading the email, I check out the profile. I won't lie, attraction is important. But it's important to keep in mind that not all of us are photogenic or super models, so there has to be some flexibility. I've learned over the years that one can be very pleasantly surprised when meeting someone in person. Yes, there has to be something that draws you to the picture, but keep an open mind. Also remember that looks fade, one's qualities and how they treat you are far more important and last forever.
When reading a profile I try to determine whether the individual meets the majority of my criteria. Obviously shared interests are a bonus. I'm not a fan of tattoos or piercings so they could influence me to say no thank you. Anything rude or inappropriate will also result in a rejection.
Back to my friend's opinions:
1. Do I see myself sleeping with that person?
Maybe as a woman I'm just a bit more flowery and politically correct. I will definitely ask myself "Can I picture myself with this person?" Loosely translated does that mean the same thing? Maybe.
2. Would I be embarrassed to be seen out in public with that person?
The questions I would ask myself are: "Do I feel an initial attraction to this person based on the picture(s)? Could I kiss this person?" I note a big difference here.
At the end of the day, maybe there's some truth to what my friend said. If you can't see yourself with someone or picture kissing them, you more than likely won't be sleeping with them. At least I couldn't. Would I date someone I'm not attracted to? Probably not. The part about being embarrassed for me is different. If my date was loud and abnoxious, yes I would totally be embarrassed, but I won't know that until we go out. Looks are subjective. I might find someone attractive while others don't, this wouldn't cause me embarrassment. It's a personal choice, not everyone has to or will like what I like.
I think this boils down to men and women verbalizing things differently. It's probably all that "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" stuff.
Was he right? Maybe. I apologized for getting so angry at him. He was surprised by my post. When he read it he said it sounded so crude. It was not his intention, he was talking in basic English to get his point across. He also loves to get my blood boiling and knows exactly what to say to get the desired effect. Sometimes the truth hurts and we don't want to admit we're thinking the exact same thing, just packaging it differently to sound more politically correct. Some food for thought.
What do you think? Would love to hear your thoughts and opinions. Please feel free to comment. Enjoy what's left of the weekend!
Dateless in Ottawa
After talking to a close friend and getting his take on the purpose of a profile, I had to write a post.
According to my friend, when you...no wait allow me to clarify, when a man looks at and reads a profile he's looking to answer the following 2 questions:
1. Do I see myself sleeping with that person?
2. Would I be embarrassed to be seen out in public with that person?
He confessed that he's not too concerned with what's written in the profile as most people (mainly guys) don't read them anyways. I told him not to generalize as I do read the entire profile and it's important.
Personally I found his assessment way too harsh. I protested that he was being a typical male where everything revolves around appearance and sex. I felt angry and insulted at the same time. That's not how I want people to think when they look at my profile. He made it sound like profiles are cuts of meat on display at the butcher's..."Wow, check out that cut it looks good, not wait that one looks even better." I put a lot of time, effort and thought into how I describe myself and choose tasteful pictures that are recent and true representations of me. After a heated debate, I had to stop and think. What goes through my mind when I look at a profile? What am I looking for? What catches my attention? I was stumped, he really made me think.
First of all, we all have preferences. Some may be less important, others more rigid. Personally, tall, dark and handsome has always been my thing. Definitely prefer stocky over thin or athletic. Why? Can't say I'm completely sure why, but being taller than average I prefer that my significant other to be taller than me. I'm a brunette with dark eyes, does that influence my preference? Maybe. It's not to say I wouldn't date someone blond with blue eyes or a red head with green eyes because I have, but most of the guys I've dated had dark hair and dark eyes. I think in general I'm pretty open minded and flexible.
So what do I think when I look at a profile?
First of all, it depends on whether I'm simply searching through profiles or reading an email I received.
When establishing search criteria, the following are extremely important to me:
a) Marital status
- He must be single, divorced or widowed
b) Age
- My acceptable age range is based on my age. A few years younger to a few years older, usually about a 10 year range.
c) Distance
- My preference would be within 25 km, but I can be somewhat flexible on this one.
d) Height
- Minimum of 5'10" would be nice. My standards have dropped significantly because years ago my minimum acceptable height was 6'. One has to be reasonable and adaptable or at least try? Lol
e) Employment status
- Must be gainfully employed, retired or independently wealthy. No I'm not a gold digger, but if I wanted another dependent, I'd have another child.
f) Non-smoker
- I can handle the occasional cigar and maybe a social smoker.
g) No substance abuse
- Whether drugs or alcohol, I'll pass. Allow me to further add gambler.
h) Own a vehicle
- A relationship is give and take so I would expect my significant other to be able to come and see me or take turns driving. There could be exceptions due to a disability, but in general having a vehicle is my preference. Mom's Uber service is already overextended!
i) Race/ethnic background
- Typically I'm drawn to caucasians or men with an olive complexion, but it's not to say I wouldn't date others because I have.
I don't dwell too much on religion, hair/eye colour, occupation, interests or whether they have kids. We can address these later.
When I receive an email, the first thing I do is read it. A simple "Hi" or "Hey" isn't going to get my attention. An honest effort that demonstrates you took the time to read my profile will score you major brownie points and get my attention. After reading the email, I check out the profile. I won't lie, attraction is important. But it's important to keep in mind that not all of us are photogenic or super models, so there has to be some flexibility. I've learned over the years that one can be very pleasantly surprised when meeting someone in person. Yes, there has to be something that draws you to the picture, but keep an open mind. Also remember that looks fade, one's qualities and how they treat you are far more important and last forever.
When reading a profile I try to determine whether the individual meets the majority of my criteria. Obviously shared interests are a bonus. I'm not a fan of tattoos or piercings so they could influence me to say no thank you. Anything rude or inappropriate will also result in a rejection.
Back to my friend's opinions:
1. Do I see myself sleeping with that person?
Maybe as a woman I'm just a bit more flowery and politically correct. I will definitely ask myself "Can I picture myself with this person?" Loosely translated does that mean the same thing? Maybe.
2. Would I be embarrassed to be seen out in public with that person?
The questions I would ask myself are: "Do I feel an initial attraction to this person based on the picture(s)? Could I kiss this person?" I note a big difference here.
At the end of the day, maybe there's some truth to what my friend said. If you can't see yourself with someone or picture kissing them, you more than likely won't be sleeping with them. At least I couldn't. Would I date someone I'm not attracted to? Probably not. The part about being embarrassed for me is different. If my date was loud and abnoxious, yes I would totally be embarrassed, but I won't know that until we go out. Looks are subjective. I might find someone attractive while others don't, this wouldn't cause me embarrassment. It's a personal choice, not everyone has to or will like what I like.
I think this boils down to men and women verbalizing things differently. It's probably all that "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" stuff.
Was he right? Maybe. I apologized for getting so angry at him. He was surprised by my post. When he read it he said it sounded so crude. It was not his intention, he was talking in basic English to get his point across. He also loves to get my blood boiling and knows exactly what to say to get the desired effect. Sometimes the truth hurts and we don't want to admit we're thinking the exact same thing, just packaging it differently to sound more politically correct. Some food for thought.
What do you think? Would love to hear your thoughts and opinions. Please feel free to comment. Enjoy what's left of the weekend!
Dateless in Ottawa
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