Round 34 went very badly and this trend continued. You'll have to keep reading my posts to get all the details. I guess you could say I'm still licking my wounds and unable to write about them. I'll need a bit of time to gather my thoughts and stop trying to find answers to the famous question "why"?
Thankfully I was off on another business trip with some close colleagues. Just what I needed to get my mind off of online dating. My co-workers and colleagues know my situation and they often avoid asking personal questions or talking about their relationships fearing they'll upset or hurt me. They have great admiration and respect for my strength, courage and determination. They don't understand how I juggle being a single Mom of 4, a crazy busy job that has me travelling regularly and the fact that I'm always there to help no matter who's asking or what needs to be done whether at work or home.
Aside from my kids and family, having such a diverse and loyal group of friends is what gives me the strength to forge ahead and remain determined. There are times when I should probably give-up, but I won't allow myself to. Often times I too wonder how I do it, best not to think about it too much or I'll stress myself out. I see others with far less responsibilities that can't cope.
My Aunt came to stay with my kids while I was away on business for two weeks. She called me 3 days in and asked, "How do you do it? And I'm not even working part-time, let alone full-time with all the overtime you work! Child, this is insane. How do you keep track of everything. The kids are all over with their activities and school, play dates, appointments... When do you have time to clean the house and pay the bills? You can't maintain this pace. How do you manage to get everything done? What about time for you? We have to sit down and have a serious talk when you get back."
"Auntie, I don't have a choice. It is how it is. This is my normal...our normal. If I don't do it, who will? There's no time to think, I just get things done. The children are mine and my responsibility. Sports are important, I won't have them sitting in front of the TV or playing video games for hours on end. They need to get out, move and socialize. Living on one income is a challenge, but I make it work. Overtime and travel help so that the kids can do their activities and we can take a holiday every year. They only do one activity each, unfortunately not all on the same night (although for me that's a very good thing!). It's not mine or their fault that I ended up widowed and alone. Working long hours means being away from the kids more, but as they get older they can take on more responsibility and help me out. In the end, as hard as it can be, it's better for all of us."
Everyone worries about me and frankly there are days when I'm terrified. My "work husband" as I call him, since we've been travelling together for most of the last 5 months often checks up on me. We were in the middle of a two hour commute during our business trip so it was the perfect time for one of our frank conversations.
Him: "So, how are you doing?"
Me: "I'm good, thanks."
Him: "No, honestly? You're looking a bit down and tired. What's going on?"
Me: "Shit happens. I do the best I can and adjust."
Him: "Ok, what's going on? Can I be blunt?"
Me: "You always are, be my guest."
Him: "Are you trying to date? I know it's hard with all the travelling we've been doing lately, but I hate seeing you alone. You're an amazing woman with so much to offer. Do you not want to be in a relationship? Are you looking? Is it something else??? Have you checked out online dating? What about a FWB?"
Me: I burst out laughing.
Him: "What's so funny? You don't want to date? Just tell me to f--- off if you don't want to talk."
Me: "OMG You have no idea. Yes I'm lonely and trying to date. Oh the stories I could tell you about online dating. I wouldn't know where to start. I don't know what to do. I feel so rusty and out of touch. Most of the guys are dishonest and a lot of them are married. Then there's others where you seem to have a great connection, you talk, text, email and go out several times and poof...he vanishes never to be heard from again. The whole FWB things doesn't interest me. Someone always gets hurt and when that's going on you're not really looking or emotionally available. If all you want is sex maybe, but definitely not a long-term solution."
Him: "Sorry, I don't mean to pry or be rude, tell me to shut up if I'm getting too personal. Just know that I'm here. If nothing else, I can give you the male perspective. I may be married, but have several guy friends and I am a man afterall. Lord knows I've been around the block way too many times! Lol Agreed, the FWB wouldn't be a good fit for you and yes one person always seems to get attached and hurt which isn't good."
Me: "I appreciate the advice, thanks for caring."
Him: "You know I care about you and hold you in high esteem. I'm sorry you're going through this, life really sucks sometimes. You deserve better. Sadly, truth be told men are pigs. At the end of the day we're very simple creatures. We are over analyzed for no good reason. What do men want? SEX!"
Me: "And we go about that how? Don't forget I'm the single Mom so no, I won't be bringing guys home every night. I've been out with a few guys. Chemistry seemed to be there, great conversations, common interests and the list goes on and on. They initiate the dates, choose the locations, we talk often and make plans for weeks at a time and then nothing. Suddenly all communication stops cold turkey. Obviously I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something happened. Then I go check the dating site and he's either deleted his profile or he's back online, but doesn't respond to my texts or voice messages. What the hell?"
Him: "Did you sleep with him?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Well, there you go!"
Me: "Bullshit! You know what? I probably would've and truth be told I wanted to, but when you're meeting for dinner or drinks at a restaurant or the casino, where was I supposed to have sex on the bar? We always met up and went in separate cars."
Him: "Go back to his place or yours, get a hotel, the car...? Geez woman be creative! "
Me: "Shouldn't someone ask? Maybe I'm too old fashioned, but I believe the guy should make the first move. If I'm agreeing to go out with you, talking to you regularly and making plans weeks in advance...Hello???? I'm obviously interested."
Him: "That's not good enough. And why does the guy have to initiate?"
Me: "He doesn't always, I'll gladly take a step, I think kissing on the first date is a pretty sure sign I'm comfortable and then agreeing to see him over and over again...duh!"
Him: "Keep in mind chances are he's seeing several different women at once. First come, first served Baby!"
Me: "I get that, but if you don't feel it, change your mind or meet someone else be an adult and say so. Is it that difficult to be honest? Dammit we've been communicating and getting to know each other for a couple of weeks or months, if you weren't interested why waste your time? If he wanted sex why didn't he say so? Worst I could say is no."
Him: "Would you have sex on the first date?"
Me: "Typically, no."
Him: "Wrong answer, that's you're problem."
Me: "So I should plan for sex before every date? I don't think so."
Him: "So you'd never have sex on a first date?"
Me: "If it felt right and I was comfortable, yes."
Him: "Not according to your answer. And why wouldn't you? Wait!!! Let me guess... you don't want him to think you do this all the time or that you're a slut? Right?"
Me: "To a point."
Him: "You're too predictable, probably went to Catholic school didn't you? See, that's the problem. Who cares what other people think of you? At our age we are who we are, take it or leave it. Who is anyone to judge you? Remember, he's having sex too. Does he care what you think of him? Probably not."
Me: "It's not that easy."
Him: "You're making it complicated."
Me: "Listen, I've been in situations where a guy couldn't take no for an answer. Men are in a far better position than women. Do I like sex, absolutely. It's probably what I miss most about being in a relationship. Everything else I can pretty much do on my own. It has to feel right or I just can't. Initiating for me is hard. With the right person it won't be a problem. Just feeling so rusty and out of practice that it's scary. What if I suck and the sex is bad?"
Him: "OMG girl, a guy gets off and everything is good with the world. I don't think you need to worry too much about whether or not you're good. Practice makes perfect. You'll get there, but don't limit yourself. Be open minded. F--- all those ridiculous rules from the 1950's. Wipe them from your memory and live a little. If it feels right, go for it. Don't create unnecessary boundaries. Yes, it's scary and there are creeps out there. You need to be safe and smart. I totally understand women have to be careful, but keep in mind where there's a will, there's a way. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't have fun. If you want it, go for it dammit! A woman initiating is a huge turn on for a guy. If he doesn't like it, f--- him he's not for you."
Me: "Easier said than done."
Him: "Men don't need an emotional attachment to have sex. Women think differently and that's the problem. You over think. Just because you're seeing someone for a few weeks or a month, doesn't mean he's going to be around forever. You're single, enjoy and when you meet the right one you'll know. You have to learn how to play the game. Date, date and keep on dating. Don't stop meeting other people or going out because you're talking to someone and it "might" develop into something. Be realistic. Sadly it is the way it is. The world has changed. Maybe not for the better, but you need to accept that. I want to see you happy and loved. You deserve it, so stop creating barriers that don't exist."
Me: "Yes, Dad!"
Him: "As a matter of fact I almost could be your Dad so listen to me. I've been around the block way too many times to count and I've seen it all, so trust me kid. I've been one of those jerks too and learned to smarten up. If you need to talk, I'm here anytime. Be prepared, I'll kick your ass and be brutally honest. You're awesome, don't know how you do it and make it look so damn easy. Your kids are and will be fine. Now it's time to take care of you and be happy. Be patient, it will happen."
Is he right? Maybe. Some food for thought. He's an IT wiz. Maybe he can reprogram my brain and erase all those crazy outdated rules at the same time! Lol
I can't disagree with the part about creating unnecessary boundaries or limitations while throwing out the antiquated dating rules. Who knows, it's all a game and I have to learn to play along while remaining strategic and most importantly, staying safe. Sounds easy, but it's not.
Any thoughts? You're advice, suggestions and stories are always welcome. Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
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