Chivalry revisited

When you have a bad experience, it's human nature to go back and re-play it in your mind over and over again trying to understand what happened and why.  Did I send the wrong message?  What did I do wrong?  I was still struggling after my experience with The Thug.  Sadly history has demonstrated time and again that when a woman is violated, her past sexual history and how she was dressed is questioned, whereas the man's is not. 

This made me think back to chivalry.  Chivalry is something that should be done out of kindness and consideration without expecting something in return.  It isn't only done for women and it is also expected of strangers.  When in a relationship, it's done to demonstrate kindness, caring, respect and attentiveness to one's partner. 

Many elements can to applied to everyday situations whether at home, school, work or just out and about.  In some cases these examples could also fall under good manners and being polite.  These should be practiced by everyone regardless of age or sex.

1. Helping someone who is struggling with a package or needs help.
2. Opening a door or holding a door open for others.  They may have their hands full or suffer from a 
    physical ailment (makes me think of my grandparents or someone in a wheelchair), but for the 
    most part it should simply be done out of courtesy.
3. Saying hello went entering a room and introducing yourself when appropriate, then saying
    goodbye when you leave.
4. Removing your hat when you enter a building or a room.
5. Saying please and thank you.
6. Lending or sharing your umbrella when it's raining.
7. Stand up for someone who is being mistreated or harmed.
8. Offer your seat on a bus or train to a woman, child, someone elderly or a person that cannot stand.
9. Being kind and respectful to wait or sales staff and for that matter, all people you come into
    contact with.

When in a relationship, a man should further do the following:

10. Openning the car door for a woman and helping her in and out of the vehicle.
11. Walking a woman to her car or her door after a date.
12. Sending a text, email or calling to make sure she made it home safely.
13. At a restaurant allow her to sit first and tuck in her chair.  She should also be invited to order first.
14. Be a man of your word.  Call when you say you're going to call and show up on time.
15. Walk on the outside of the sidewalk. * applicable for children and older relatives too!
16. Lending her his coat when it's cold out.  Helping her put her coat on. 
17. Letting her go first when arriving or leaving a venue.
18. Behave like a gentleman and be respectful at all times.

I could go on and on, but I think these are the most important ones.  Others will vary depending on the person.  I didn't include the man paying when taking a lady out, because I believe a woman should also pay once in a while.  As it relates to initiating, I do believe that responsibility falls to the man, but there's no reason why a woman shouldn't initiate if she feels comfortable doing so.

Important Note:  When a man pays he shouldn't automatically assume he's entitled to sex.  Like I mentioned in a previous post, if I was going to charge for sex it would cost a guy a hell of a lot more than a coffee or a drink! 

Women also have a role to play.  They too should be kind, attentive, considerate and respectful towards their mate.  It's give and take. 

Many may call chivalry old fashioned or outdated, but I disagree.  This is how people in a civilized society should behave.  Being kind, considerate, respectful and polite never expires or goes out of style. 

Some food for thought. 

Dateless in Ottawa 

Post Traumatic Stress

After Round 28, I was numb.  Traumatized would be the understatement of the year.  As much as I tried to move forward and put what happened behind me, it was hard.  Things could have ended far worse.  I was grateful for being safe and with my kids.  For a while I was afraid I'd run into The Thug.  I was constantly looking over my shoulders.  Thankfully I had never told him where I lived or worked.  It was highly unlikely he'd be looking for me, but he frequented some of the same places I did so best to avoid Little Italy for a while. 

Even writing about what happened stirred up my emotions.  I wish I could permanently erase bad memories from my brain.

My friends were floored and disgusted when I told them what had happened.  They suggested I get a bodyguard or chaperone to accompany me on all dates.  If only that was possible, not sure my dates would be too impressed.  That would certainly be interesting.  This experience forced me to stop and think.  At times we don't realize how easy it is to put ourselves in a position of danger when meeting strangers.  We can't trust anyone, sadly this is a harsh reality.  Growing up, it wasn't like this.  Everyone within our circle of family and friends even those living in the neighbourhood were hard working, honest, respectful and law abiding individuals.  One would never do harm to another.  When had things changed to the point where it was acceptable to blatantly disrespect or hurt others?  What made them think they had that right?

You're honest, work hard and wear your heart on your sleeve only to get your heart stomped on.  There aren't too many options for a single person to find a significant other, online dating is the most popular tool.  You can't live life being paranoid, afraid and unable to trust anyone.  If that was the case, we'd have to lock ourselves up in our houses and never go out to avoid getting hurt.  How does one navigate these murky waters of online dating?  Trust and respect are earned and this doesn't happen overnight.  We put out best foot forward and try to screen potential suitors while trying to keep an open mind and give them the benefit of the doubt.  Kind of like in criminal law where you have to assume a person is innocent until proven guilty.  Sadly some are better actors causing us to let our guard down too soon putting us at risk.

I'll never understand why people have to be dishonest and cruel.  Life is hard enough, no need to complicate it even more.  I believe in Karma, what comes around goes around.  But in the meantime, these players leave behind them a path of hurt and destruction.  It shouldn't be this way. 

It was going to take some time for me to build up the courage to go back to online dating.  Maybe there were other options?  I'd have to do some research.  In a perfect world you'd meet someone while out at an event or doing an activity you enjoy.  As a single parent it doesn't seem to be as easy as it is for people that are single without kids.  Not the same as when we were younger, always out and about, school, work and travelling.  Where do 40 something year olds hang out these days?  The reality is a single parent has more responsibilities and less time.  Not to say I can't or won't make the time, but it's finding someone who is deserving of it. 

Thankfully work got really busy, so my mind was occupied and dating went on the back burner.  In a couple of months I would revisit, for now I would be happy and safe single.

Always put your safety first and listen to your gut because it's usually right!  Be very careful.

Dateless in Ottawa

Round 27, floating along

I did my best to keep my expectations in check.  At the same time I tried to be open minded and flexible while being true to myself.  I knew what I wanted and I wasn't going to settle.  As they say in French, "Il vaut mieux être seul que mal accompagné."  Sounds better in French, but I'll translate, "Better to be alone than in bad company."

On to Round 27!  OMG, I hit the 50 mark.  How depressing!  If I add all of these guys to the others prior to my reprieve I'm very close to 100.  Although I didn't meet all of them, it was hard not to feel like a failure.  On a positive note, articles claimed you had to meet 100 or more potential suitors before finding "the one."  If I took away all the men I never met, my numbers were still within the norm so it shouldn't be too much longer.  At least I hoped it wouldn't be! 

50. Mr. Photography
He was 53, divorced with no children.  He was tall with medium brown hair and blue eyes.  His profile said he was an accountant.  Photography was a hobby.  He travelled extensively and spent a lot of time in the US.  His profile was well written.

I had sent him an introductory email weeks prior, but he had been away.  We emailed for a bit then moved to the phone.  It was weeks before he agreed to meet, but only after I told him I was going to stop all communication because I wasn't looking for a pen pal. 

Surprise, surprise, he didn't look anything like his picture.  I guess his hobby helped him Photoshop his pictures to make himself look better.  He certainly wasn't tall and there was a lot of hair missing.  Everything he had told me about his job and the company he worked for didn't check out either.  It was all a complex web of lies that even he couldn't keep track of.  I wished him luck with his search.  He continued to text occasionally, but I ignored them.  One night out of the blue he sent a text, "Yo, wasup?"  Are you kidding me?  I was beyond insulted.  My response:

Dear Mr. Photography,  I don't do "Yo, wasup." This demonstrates a complete lack of class on your part.  Effective immediately, refrain from any further communication. 

51. Mr. Goth
He was 39, tall with dark hair and blue eyes.   He was single, never married with no kids.  There was very little in his profile.  Under job is just said "have one."

He wrote saying he liked my profile, he found it entertaining and very different from others he had read.  He used text lingo which I found extremely annoying.  For me if you can't write in full sentences or write words out in full, you're done.  Add to that the fact that he was a chain smoker and liked to drink - he was doomed.  Not sure how he managed to write to me because I had excluded smokers.  He refused to say what he did for work, other than he only did it part-time because he had to explore his artistic side.   A fancy way of saying he was unemployed.

I wrote and told him I didn't think we were a match.  For me smoking is a deal breaker.  He was annoyed and said he had hoped we could at least be friends.  I was amused and decided to play along.  I told him we should meet for a drink.  I chose a location, said I'd be there in a half hour.  He responded he'd need more time because he didn't have a car and would have to take the bus.  Gee, and according to the profile he had a car!  I wished him luck with his search and said good bye!  

I'll never understand why men have to lie.  Sooner or later the truth always comes out!

52. The Economist
He was 53, divorced with 2 grown children.  He was the same height as me with white hair and dark eyes.  He worked for the feds.  His profile was longer than average and well written.

He sent a very long and well written introductory email.  He said he loved my profile, it made him laugh.  He felt I was honest and to the point which was hard to find.  He wasn't tall, but would be willing to wear platforms if that would score him a date with me.  Since he hung out with his son's friends and had been dating a 30 year old, that made him very young at heart.  Really? 

We moved to texting and then he called.  We had great conversations, but I hated the fact that he was constantly name dropping and assigning values to everything.  He had a nasty divorce and it sounded like there were many outstanding issues regarding their assets.   It was all about designer labels and luxury cars, I told him I wasn't interested.  Perhaps a 20 something year old would be impressed, I wasn't.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  It's overrated.  Money and toys don't buy happiness.  He toned it down and asked me to meet him for lunch, said I should give him a chance as it's always nice to make new friends.

I agreed.  It was his birthday so I picked up a cake. When he arrived he looked much older than his picture and most definitely wasn't 5'7.  I was also disappointed that he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  So much for all this talk about designer everything, it was like he made no effort whatsoever.  

During lunch, he talked about all the popular people he knew and how much money they made.  I got fed up and told him how I had met Will and Kate and most recently Princess Anne.  I think he got the message loud and clear.  He was surprised when the cake arrived and thanked me.  We finished eating and I said I had to go.  He insisted on walking me to my car.  I told him it wasn't necessary he could stay with his friends, he knew the owners or at least pretended to.  He followed me out and tried to be all touchy feely.  That doesn't go over very well with me.  I arrived at my truck and he looked unimpressed.  He said a beautiful lady shouldn't be driving such a rough looking vehicle.  Ok, he was done!  Then he tried to kiss me, I think not and turned my face.  He was not happy.  Needless to say I didn't hear from him again. 

Kind of hard to stay positive after a bad streak.  Again the level of dishonesty blows my mind.  Do men truly believe we won't notice everything they've lied about?  Money and labels aren't going to impress me either.  These guys need a reality check.  Seemed like some of these older guys were going through another mid-life crisis! 

Time to change my profile.  Yes, I'm angry and tired of men wasting my time.  I had to send a clear message that I wasn't interested in playing games.  Not sure it would change anything, but I had to try.  Wish me luck, I need all the help I can get!

Dateless in Ottawa

More great dates!

I can't speak for others, but I love surprises. When a man takes the initiative and makes all the plans for a date, how could I not be impressed?  If such a date turns out to be a success, even better as it demonstrates he's listened to you and is making an effort to please and impress you.

The US Shopping Date
For most men, what's worse than having to spend an entire day shopping with a woman?  Going shopping with 4 women!  Mr. Grizzly and I had a disagreement and the following day he called me bright and early to apologize.  To make it up to me he suggested I ask a girl friend or two to go shopping in the States, he'd drive.  As if I'd say no!  Well, I asked three friends and they all accepted.  Not sure he knew what he was getting himself into, but he scored major brownie points for simply offering to take us shopping. 

Never in a million years would I have expected all the effort and attention to detail he put into it.  Me and my girl friends were blown away.  Their husbands laughed.  One said, "Great who does this guy think he is?  How can I ever top that?  Talk about setting expectations and making me look bad."  The other one said, "Good, I can have a day to myself.  This guy is crazy, driving 4 women to go shopping?  What was he thinking?  Hey, better him than me!"

Some of the things he did:
- made chocolate covered strawberries and popcorn to have as snacks.
- packed a cooler with drinks, he even remembered what everyone liked
- printed maps of the Destiny USA Mall so we could devise our plan of attack during the drive and not waste time
- made us name tags with his name and cell number in case we got lost and security had to call him to come get us
- brought a swear jar.  At the end of the trip he drew a name!
- prepared a scavenger hunt to make the drive more enjoyable

At the mall in Syracuse he went his own way then took a nap in the van.  No doubt he needed a break from us!  Lol  The rest of the time he gave us his opinion on clothes we tried on, helped us pick out shoes and carried our bags.  It was hilarious.  He didn't complain once.  Not too many guys would do that, he had the patience of a Saint.  We all had a blast. 

It was a long day, but it seemed like the time just flew by.  We left Ottawa at 6:00 am and headed to Ogdensburg, then Syracuse followed by the outlets in Watertown and finally the Bass Pro Shop.  Along the way we stopped at different places to pick up packages, groceries and stuff other friends had asked us to get.  It was an awesome day and extremely productive.  We finally rolled into bed around 2:30 am.  The entire trip was filled with practical jokes, trivia, music and laughter.  Definitely a top 5 date in my books.  Even when in a group, you can have a great date!

The All Day Surprise Date
Mr. Navy and I had gone out a couple of times.  He asked me if he could book me for an entire day the following weekend because he wanted to plan a date.  I said yes.

The details were a surprise.  All he said was that I should wear running shoes and comfortable clothes.  I was to meet him at his place in the morning and we'd head out from there.  He was very considerate and asked if I was ok driving for about an hour out of town with him, if not he'd make other plans.  I was fine with it. 

We drove out to Rigaud and went hiking in an old slate quarry.  This was the place where one of my animal or should I say bug and snake stories took place.  He got to witness first hand how much I dislike snakes and spiders.  I think he was quite amused and would have gladly administered first aid if I would have fallen flat on my face on the rocks while running to escape the aforementioned critters.

When we reached the top we took in some rays.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  I even got a calf massage, it felt great!  I brought some chocolate walnut cookies so we had a snack and enjoyed the view.  Then we hiked back down and went to a Pataterie in a quaint little town for lunch.  Afterwards we drove to Hudson.  This is where he grew up.  We stopped at the marina where he stored his boat.  He thought it would be nice to have a drink on the patio overlooking the water.  Unfortunately there was a wedding going on and it was closed to the public, so instead we went to the neighbourhood pub for a drink.

Later we took a nice scenic drive through Hudson.  He showed me some of the main attractions and places where he used to hang out when he was growing up.  We talked about work, our families, the kids...a bit of everything.  Eventually we made it back to his place.  I had dinner plans with the kids, so I had to head home.  I thanked him for a great day.  Another top 5 date for sure!

It was great experiences like these that kept me from giving up on finding "the one".  Online dating is hard, but when you meet nice people and have fun it makes all the difference in the world.  I wish there were more good stories.  Oh well, all the bad experiences will make me appreciate the good ones all the more!

Dateless in Ottawa   

Round 26, still holding on!

Remaining positive and continuing my search.

Round 26:

46. The Pilot
He was 50, single, never married and no children.  He was tall with dark hair and light eyes with a stocky build.  His profile was short, but well written.  When I saw his picture he looked familiar.  I had definitely seen him before, probably at the airport.

His message was polite and short.  He suggested meeting for coffee.  I mentioned I had seen him at the airport before.  Travel was one of his favourite things to do and being a pilot, he had seen most of the world.  We'd certainly have lots to talk about and notes to compare on all the different places we'd visited.  I told him I'd like to talk on the phone at least once before meeting and he suddenly disappeared.

Funny how the guys that seem to ask you out in the first email and then text fast and furious, run for the hills when you tell them you want to talk on the phone before meeting.  They truly should bring back the category "pen pal" as many men simply want to email and text indefinitely with absolutely no intentions of meeting.

47. The Dog Lover
He was 63, divorced and living in the outskirts of the city.  He was average height with a thin build and white hair.  Not my preference at all and I felt he was too old, but he sent a very nice introductory email so I felt compelled to respond. 

We emailed a bit and he said he loved my picture on several occasions.  I told him about my kids and explained how I didn't think we'd be a good match as we were in completely different stages of life.  Under interests all he had listed was that he loved playing with his dogs.  A bit of a red flag for me.  He soon asked if he could call. 

The profile said he was retired.  When I asked from where he said he was never able to work for anyone.  He was a mechanic and believed in taking his time and doing things right.  He quit working many years ago and did odd jobs from home and restored old cars when he felt like it.  In my books, this means he's unemployed.  He told me he had lost his only daughter to cancer the year before, that was sad I can't imagine.  He talked about how great life would be for me and the kids living out at his place.  Say what?  A few emails, a conversation and he's already talking about moving???  Nope, not happening!  He had no friends, didn't travel and rarely went out.  His dogs were his life.  At this point I told him we truly had nothing in common.  He insisted on meeting because he really liked my picture.  All he seemed to focus on was my picture, not for me.  I said no, I didn't see any potential and meeting would not change my mind.  He got angry and said I wasn't giving him a chance.  That was the end of the conversation, I wasn't going to argue with him. 

48. Mr. Paleo
He was the same age as me.  Divorced with a daughter in joint custody.  He was very tall, heavier set with dark hair and dark eyes.  He had a cool tribal tattoo which gave him that bad boy look.  The profile was well written.  His pictures showed a love of food and travel and our interests were very similar.

His introductory email was funny.  We moved to texting right away and then we spoke on the phone a few times.  He was very interesting and had a great sense of humour.  We talked about the kids, our work, travel...everything.  POF had not been a great experience for him either.  He'd received quite a few nasty emails putting him down because of his size.  I didn't find him overly big, at 6'3 he was stocky and built, but I wouldn't label him as being fat or obese.  People can be quite cruel. 

He was twice divorced and interestingly enough his ex-wife worked in Cuba at the resort I had stayed at a few months earlier.  It was a horrible experience.  One of my girl friends went off the deep end while we were there and she had to be taken away and committed to a mental hospital for 3 weeks.  He was floored by my story.  I don't think he believed me, so he called his ex-wife and she knew exactly who he was talking about and had lots to say about it.

He suggested meeting and I agreed.  Over and over he came up with excuses; he got called into work, his daughter needed help with a project, unexpected family engagement....as a parent I'm very patient and understanding, but I have my limits.  It felt like he was just stringing me along.  He was always  on POF so I think it was safe to assume he was communicating with several others.  Enough, next!

49. The Carpenter
He was a bit older, single and had a grown daughter.  He was tall with dark hair and blue eyes.  I had seen his profile before, he'd been on POF for a while.  Travelling and food were amoung his interests.  He also loved sailing and kayaking.

His introductory email was nice and he guessed that my picture had been taken in Cuba.  We compared notes on our trips to Cuba and talked about work.  Soon after we talked on the phone.  I told him about the kids and he said he really liked kids and wished he'd been able to have more.  We liked some of the same TV series and he recommended another one that he thought I'd enjoy.

He asked if I'd meet him at Dow's Lake for a walk and I agreed.   We met in the parking lot and he was stunned when he saw my truck.  Not what he expected me to pull up in.  He had a really nice truck too.  His profile pictures didn't do him justice.  We walked over to the Arboreum, then he mentioned he'd never been to the Experimental Farm so I suggested we go there.  It was closed, but we were still able to see some of the animals and check out the flower gardens.  It was a beautiful night.  As we were walking around we talked about Game of Thrones and Vikings, he was surprised I liked those.  Then he told me it was his birthday.  What do you say?  I wished him a happy birthday and asked him why he wasn't out celebrating with his friends?  They were taking him out on the weekend so instead of staying home he was out with me.  I told him I was flattered and suggested we grab at drink at Dow's Lake or on Preston.  He hadn't eaten because he worked late and said he was going to say the same thing and hoped I'd agree. 

The staff at the restaurant didn't seem happy to see us.  They were in a rush to shut down, even though it was still early.  He mentioned he didn't drink.  He was a recovered alcoholic, but he was fine with others around him drinking.  We had a bite and I wanted to order dessert and ask them to put a candle on it, but the waitress brought the bill and said they needed to close.  Ok, I guess our date was over.  We walked to the parking lot and he walked me to my truck.  I gave him a hug and wished him a happy birthday again.  I said it would be nice to go out again and have a proper celebration.  As I drove off he just stood there, it seemed odd.  I texted when I got home to thank him for a lovely evening.  He wrote back and said he didn't feel a long term romantic connection, but wanted my opinion in case he was wrong as he often was. ???  I was stumped.  It's one thing to say you didn't feel any chemistry or a connection, but I've never had someone ask me for my opinion as to whether I felt a long term romantic connection.  I was attracted to him and the fact that we had only planned a quick walk and then it turned into a 5 hour date should have been a pretty good indication that things went well.  I responded that if he didn't feel a connection, then it really didn't matter what I felt.  I had a great time and would go out with him again.

He texted regularly for a couple of weeks so I suggested going to a movie.  He agreed and then disappeared.  A few weeks later I saw his profile was back up.  Oh well, the search continues!

Weird how sometimes you feel a connection, but then you're surprised by the other person's perspective.  Not an overly successful round, but my date with Mr. Carpenter was very enjoyable and I got out.  Hopefully the next one will be better. 

Dateless in Ottawa

What was I looking for?

Taking a break gave me time to look back and re-evaluate my experiences.  I had grown as a person and learned a lot; what I liked, what I didn't like, what I needed, the nice to haves and my deal breakers.  Slowly I was starting to figure out what I wanted and needed in partner.  With time you become better at reading between the lines of a profile and conversations.  You ask specific questions and while out with a person, you read their body language, facial expressions while observing their interactions and gestures.  Eye contact is huge.  Chances are if a person can't look you in the eyes when they're talking to you, they aren't being honest.  These signs can be very subtle.  Emotions and feeling lonely can also cloud our thoughts making it easy to miss, sugar coat or overlook red flags. 

In terms of the things I don't want or like, the qualities or behaviours include:
1. Indecisive/disorganized
Very annoying when a person can't make up their mind.  Time is the most generous gift a person can give you because they can never get it back, so don't waste it! 
 
2. Dishonest
Not interested in liars or playing games. 
 
3. Married or attached in any way
I want to be the one, not one of many.  Not interested in sharing my significant other and no this doesn't make me selfish!  Lol
 
4. Inconsistent/unreliable
If you can't be a man of your word, you're not for me.  Ultimately actions speak louder than words.
 
5. Rude/disrespectful
If you think the world revolves around you, it's time to wake up from your fantasy!  These behaviours are a major turn off.
 
6. Arrogant/racist
I have no use for people who think they are better than everyone else.  Being humble and kind are much more admirable traits.
 
7. Cheap
An extremely unattractive trait.  For me this is a major turn off.  Also a deal breaker.
 
8. Selfish/self-centered
You're not on this earth alone!  If you can't be considerate and put others first once in a while, you're not for me.

My dealbreakers:
1. Doesn't like kids
This one is not negotiable.  It's a package deal.  Just think, you get 5 for 1! 
 
2. Bad sex
The physical connection has to be just as strong as the emotional connection and my partner needs to be on the same page as me.  If you're happy with sex once a month, it is so not going to work.
 
3. Any addictive behaviours (smoker, drug addict, alcoholic, gambler, etc.)
I'd be willing to bend a bit on the smoking if it's only done socially or occasionally.  The odd cigar is fine too, just not in the house or our vehicles! 
 
4. Bad teeth and/or hygiene
If I can't picture myself kissing you or having sex with you, you're done.  For me bad hygiene is insulting.  Exercise a bit of self-pride and consideration for others.  I don't think I need to say more, but if anyone needs examples I can provide several.
 
5. Unemployed
My potential mate must be employed, retired or independently wealthy.  Much like I don't expect to be supported financially, I'm not looking to support a man financially either.
 
6. Being cheap or drowning in debt
I think this is fairly clear, no explanation necessary.
 
7. Infidelity
If you can't be monogamous, I'm not interested.  

Traits I look for in a partner and all relationships for that matter (not necessarily in this order):
* Keeping in mind that no one is perfect and they may not have all of the traits below, but any combination of the majority of these would be awesome.  Some will argue our laundry lists are too long and unrealistic. I beg to differ.  Personally I believe I embody all of these traits, so if I can do it, it's not unrealistic to want my significant other to have some of these traits as well.  These are quite common, nothing outrageous or unreasonable.  In general most of the people I develop and maintain relationships with whether at work or socially, exhibit these traits, otherwise I wouldn't have them in my life. 
 
Kind
Communicative
Strong
Generous
Confident
Adaptable
Polite
Social/outgoing
Attentive
Affectionate
Reliable
Honest
Funny
Positive
Romantic
Humble

I won't lie, there has to be a physical attraction as well.  That said, I'd rather be with someone less attractive with most of the traits I'm looking for rather than a super attractive individual who's rude and dishonest.  As we get older we finally learn that looks aren't everything.  What's deep down inside is what counts and lasts far longer than looks which tend to fade over time. 

Having a few common interests would be nice, but not always necessary if both people are open to trying new things. As previously  mentioned, the best way for a man to get my complete and undivided attention is to roll out the chivalry.  For me it's the icing on my cake.  The little things have the greatest impact and who doesn't like surprises?

Let's see what the next round has in store.  I was ready for Round 26!

Dateless in Ottawa

How do you define a great date?

Looking back, even though I was plagued with more bad than good online dating experiences I did have some really great and memorable dates.  These helped me move forward in the hopes that I'd  have many more good experiences.  Even if a date didn't turn into anything more than friendship for whatever the reason, getting out and having great conversations with interesting people is fun.  So how does one define a great date?  If you ask me, all of the following would qualify:

1. Driving for 7 hours in a bad snow storm or going a long road trip and never once feeling the need to turn the radio on. 

2. Laughing so hard your face and abs hurt!  Tears of laughter also qualify!

3. Sitting together in silence for hours without feeling nervous, anxious or awkward or worrying about what the other person is thinking.

4. Having wait staff at a restaurant refuse to bring your bill and beg you not to leave.

5. While in the middle of date #1, firming up details for dates #2 and #3.

6. Cooking together in harmony without having to say a word or stepping on each other's toes. 

7. Not wanting the date to end and finding excuses or ways of extending your time together.

8. Finding yourself in an embarrassing situation, but feeling comfortable enough to ask your date for help.  Then later looking back and laughing your asses off!
 
9. Talking for hours and it feeling like it was only for a few minutes.

10. Surviving a trip to the grocery store or any shopping trip for that matter!

11. When the date ends, you're left wanting more.

12. Getting home from your date, calling him to let him know you made it home ok and talking until the following morning.  Then meeting for breakfast!

I'm sure there are many more examples, but these stand out the most for me based on my experiences.  This post is going to be short and sweet so I can leave you wanting more!  Lol 

Thanks for reading and have a great night!

Dateless in Ottawa

Round 25

Has anyone ever heard the saying:

"Think Positive,

Be Positive and

Positive Things Will Happen"

Maybe there's some truth to it.  By the same token, the men in Round 24 were decent which made it easier to remain positive.  Unfortunately I still hadn't found "the one" so my search wasn't over.   

I was ready for Round 25!

44.  Mr. Engineer
He was tall, with dark blond hair and light eyes.  He was divorced with two girls in joint custody.  He was a great writer and from his profile pictures I could tell he liked to travel and try new foods.  His build said athletic, but he looked more on the stocky side to me.  He was a couple of years older. 

He wrote and we quickly moved to the phone.  We had great conversations.  He was fascinated by my job.  He had recently been laid off after a very long career with the same company, but within 2 days had found a temporary job until he could find something better.  This really impressed me.  He was definitely ambitious and very determined.  He wanted to meet, but I was leaving on holidays at the end of the week.  I said maybe we should wait until I got back.  He insisted we had to meet before I left, he didn't want to wait.  We met for lunch and had a great time.  He looked better than his picture and was a perfect gentleman.  One thing that I found odd is that he said he wasn't into brands or designer labels.  Really?  Not sure why he felt the need to say that given that he was wearing Hilfiger head to toe, a very expensive designer watch and had the latest and greatest mobile device.  Whatever.  He mentioned he hadn't been on a date in 2 1/2 years.  I was flattered and happy that he had a nice time.  

We made plans to sign up for Latin dancing when I got back from my holidays.  He texted while I was away and he was very thoughtful.  I didn't hear from him the third week, but he had mentionned he had plans to go away with his girls so I figured he was away.  I touched base when I got back.  He responded immediately telling me how he'd gotten back together with his ex the week before and was trying to work on their issues.  He wished me luck with my search.  Sadly what he failed to mention when he told me he hadn't been on a date for 2 1/2 years was that he had been in a relationship and had only broken up with his girlfriend the day before he put his profile up on POF.  He then wrote to me the same day.  Geez talk about not letting the sheets cool off!  I guess some guys just can't be alone.

* Note to self: In future I will ask how long they've been single.  The "separated" category is also very ambiguous and open to interpretation so I'd have to be careful.  My preference was to meet someone who had resolved all issues from his past relationship(s) and was ready to move forward.   

45. Mr. Pet Shop
He was a bit older, average height and build with blond hair and light eyes.  He was divorced with 3 older daughters.  His profile appeared under the new users.  He lived in the country and worked for the feds. 

The introductory email and his profile were very well written and we seemed to have a lot in common.  He loved my profile, said it made him laugh out loud.  We wrote for a bit and then talked on the phone.  He also owned a pet food store.  I called and tried to prank him one afternoon.  I had him going for a while, then he paused and said, "Wait a minute, is that you C-----?"  He laughed and said he'd have to keep an eye on me.

Soon after he suggested we meet for coffee or a bite.  I agreed and told him to decide what and where.  It took forever for him to decide.  He kept flip flopping.  I'd never met someone so indecisive, it was beyond annoying.  In the meantime we kept talking and he started making plans for dates 2-4.  I told him he was having a hard enough time nailing down our first date so maybe he should focus on that one.  Finally he decided on lunch at the National Art Gallery. 

We ran into each other on the way, it was like he planned it perfectly so he could escort me across the street.  He looked a bit older than his picture and was sporting a pony tail.  Not my kind of look, it was a bit too hippy-ish for my taste.  He seemed really disappointed when we arrived at the café and it was more of a cafeteria style.  He apologized and said we could go somewhere else, I said no we had a great view we should stay.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  The view of the Parliament and the Ottawa river was perfect.  We talked for hours.  We worked in some of the same circles and he travelled a fair bit.  Finally he said we should probably go and save some conversation for date #2.  He also detailed what he wanted to do for date #4, it would be up to me to decide what to do for date #3.  He seemed excited.  We walked to his car and he offered to walk me to mine, but I had to pick up some groceries in the market so I told him he could walk me next time.  He gave me a hug and off I went.

I didn't hear from him for a bit.  Then he said he was busy with a relative's birthday and his oldest daughter was coming up for the weekend.  He said we'd be in touch soon.  I invited him to go to a movie the week after.  He declined saying he had company, but he'd take a raincheck.  I didn't write him again, nor did he.  For someone that sounded so anxious about future dates, it didn't make any sense.  Not long afterwards his profile was gone.  Oh well, next!

Work got busy, so I decided POF needed to go on the back burner for a while.  I hid my profile.   What's that saying, "Quit while you're behind?"  I wasn't quitting, but definitely needed a break so I could focus on work and come back with a fresh outlook.

Stay tuned!

Dateless in Ottawa

Summer is here, Round 24!

Now that Summer had arrived, I decided the best way to approach online dating was to focus on getting out and enjoying the sunshine.  Having a reason to go out and meeting new people is a great way to unwind when you have a busy and stressful job.  When things don't work out, laugh it off and treat it as a form of entertainment.  If nothing else, it would give me plenty of material and stories to make my friends laugh over dinner or drinks.  At the end of the day, expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed. 

Round 24.  Ready, set, go!

41. The Executive
He was very tall, bald with light eyes.  He was separated with 2 children and joint custody.  His profile was hilarious and he dared women to contact him.  Not long after I had viewed his profile he wrote to me.

The introductory email was funny and very flattering.  We wrote back and forth then moved to texting.  He worked for a large corporation.  When I logged back in to look at his profile again, I noticed he lived outside of Montreal.  Initially I thought that city was in Ontario, but it wasn't.  I pointed this out and he was surprised as well.  Odd that I appeared in his matches when I fell outside of his acceptable distance.  As luck would have it he worked in Ottawa a few days a week so he said it was not an issue for him if I'd be willing to give him a shot.  I figured I had nothing to lose. 

He was interesting and told me he was a cancer survivor.  Shortly after his ordeal, his wife left him.  They were in the midst of a nasty divorced.  He enjoyed his days in Ottawa.  They gave him a break from the drama and a change of scenery.  He said if nothing else, it would be nice to have a friend to show him around and share a meal with when he was in town.

We continued to communicate then made plans for the next time he'd be in Ottawa.  The day before we were supposed to meet, he sent me an email stating his ex had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  His children were devastated and he needed to cancel his trip to Ottawa.  Sooner after his profile was deleted and he stopped emailing and texting. 

42. The Wine Broker
He was 47 divorced with 2 boys around the same age as my kids and joint custody.  He was tall with dark hair and dark eyes.  We had many similar interests.  He had travelled around the world extensively and spoke several languages.  He had a British background.  His profile was funny and very well written. 

His introductory email was funny.  He asked why he hadn't seen my profile sooner.  We moved to texting almost immediately then the phone.  He was a great writer, even in Spanish!  We made plans to meet for drinks, but then at the last minute we changed our minds and met for dinner instead.  We arrived at the exact same time.  He looked far better than his picture.  He was quite attractive and had a really nice smile.  He also had chivalry nailed down.

He was the wine expert so he took the lead with the drinks.  We talked about everything and anything.  I don't know where the time went.  It was a very enjoyable night, time flies when you're having fun!  He had to get home as he was picking his boys up in the morning.  He walked me to the van and snuck in a kiss, it was nice.  It seemed as though neither one of us wanted to leave.  He said he had his boys the coming week, but we'd touch base and get together again soon.  Lunch was an option because we both had flexible schedules.

We texted throughout the week, then one afternoon I texted to ask how he was doing.  He responded with a rude text.  Later that day he wrote to apologize, said he was having a really bad day and didn't mean to take it out on me.  As a parent I can relate.  I waited a couple of days and sent him a quick hi.  Never heard from him again.  Another disappearing act.

43. The Tank
He had an awesome profile, one of the best I had ever come across.  It was written in the form of a resume.  He was the same age as me and a former soldier.  Also very attractive with that bad boy kind of look.  He was divorced with two girls.  I absolutely had to write and compliment him on his profile.  Based on his interests I didn't think we had much in common, so didn't expect a response.  Just wanted him to know he had a great profile and wish him luck.

A few days later, he wrote back!  We emailed back and forth then moved to the phone.  I honestly wasn't expecting to hear from him.  He seemed really nice.  We had great conversations and finally decided to meet.  He seemed guarded and indecisive.  I was working and he said he'd stop by and we could go grab a coffee. 

He looked better than his picture.  He was tall and very polite.  I took my break and we walked to a Timmy's.  I was disappointed that he didn't even pay for coffee, said he didn't want anything and went to the washroom then came back with juice.  We had a good conversation, but he sounded very angry.  Him and his ex were on bad terms, he didn't see his girls much and had been forced into a medical retirement from the military.  He was also very much a country boy and I was a city girl.  I enjoyed talking to him and it would have been nice to stay in touch.  Exchanging our dating nightmare stories was fun.  He blew mine out of the water.  His first official POF date was with a transvestite!  He was seriously scarred, it almost drove him to drink!  After that he was very cautious.  He'd also been taken for numerous rides so avoided lunch and dinner dates.  He insisted on walking me back to work which I really appreciated.  He was very polite and a nice guy. 

He wrote a few days later and said he didn't feel a connection, but felt very comfortable talking to me.  I wished him well with his search and told him it would be nice to continue to exchange stories,  we could write books with all the stories we had!  May as well take the bad experiences and turn them around to make a profit.  He laughed and thought it was a great idea.  We emailed a few times and we've seen each other through work.

So far I was successful.  I had accomplished what I initially set out to do.  I met a couple of new people and got out.  At least I had very pleasant conversations and dates.  These guys were nice and very polite, just not for me.  The round ended on a positive note, I couldn't ask for more. 

Stay tuned and have a great weekend!

Dateless in Ottawa

Tip toeing on to Round 23

An email notification came in from POF saying I had received a new message.  A few minutes later there was another one and then another.  It was so weird, like it was a coordinated effort and they all decided to send me an email at the exact same time.  I built up my courage and logged in. 

As usual, there always has to be at least one or two idiots looking for sex.  Gotta give them credit though, as least they're being up front and honest about what they're looking for.  Regardless, delete!

37. The Latin
He was a bit older, divorced with 2 grown children, had dark hair and dark eyes.  He was tall and stocky and had a Latin background.  It was nice to receive an email in Spanish.  He was a good writer and very complimentary.  Unfortunately he lived outside of Toronto which was way outside of my acceptable distance.  His job and family were in Toronto and mine in Ottawa.  I didn't see how this would work.  I had had a few long distance relationships in the past, but at this point in my life it wasn't what I wanted. 

I was honest and told him I felt he lived too far away.  Only seeing someone a couple of times a month was not what I was looking for.  I didn't see any potential for a relationship.  Moving was not an option for me either.  He was disappointed and asked me to reconsider.  He thought we'd hit it off.  If I ever I planned to visit Toronto, he wanted to take me out for dinner no strings attached.  I thanked him for his emails and wished him luck with his search.

38.  Another Italian
He was very tall with dark hair and eyes.  He had never been married, but had a son from a previous relationship with visitation rights.  As soon as I saw his picture he looked very familiar to me.  I couldn't place him, but I had definitely seen him somewhere. 

We emailed a bit then he asked me out to lunch.  Turns out he worked in government as well and his office was not far from mine.  He worked in IT.  I had seen him a few times in the food court of his building.  I was having a crazy week and told him coffee would be easier.  No response.  Oh well,  men disappearing on POF was common place.

Strangely enough he wrote again a few months later just before the holidays.  He said he had several family engagements, but we'd make dinner plans in a few weeks.  Once again, he disappeared.  I should have nicknamed him Houdini!  Lol

39. Another Engineer
There was very little on this profile.  He was older and newly divorced with 2 children.  He was very tall, with a dark complexion, dark hair and eyes.  He was stocky and had a nice smile. 

He sent a very polite email.  Said he preferred talking to email, I was in agreement so he sent me his number and I called.  He had a very thick accent.  We talked about the usual; work, kids, interests.  He loved my picture and said my profile was funny.  It was obvious English was not his first language.  He went on and on about his large house in Kanata and how there would be plenty of room for my 4 children.  He said he was lonely in such a big house and loved children. 

Hold on a second!  We hadn't even met yet, but he was already making plans for us to move in?  He didn't see his kids often as he was not on good terms with his ex.  My spidey sense was tingling and I was getting bad vibes.  I told him it was nice chatting, but I didn't feel a connection.  He wanted to meet, but I declined.  I wished him luck with his search. 

40.  Mr. Navy
He was 50, same height as me, with dark hair and light blue eyes.  He was divorced with 2 children, slightly older than mine.  He had joint custody.  He was working for the feds too.  We had a few interests in common, travel and music stood out the most. 

He sent a very well written introductory email touching on many points from my profile.  His profile was fairly long.  It was obvious a lot of thought and effort went into it.  He poked fun at the fact that he was not very tall, but he'd consider wearing platforms.  He certainly had my attention.  One thing I didn't like was that he preferred texting.  I mentioned a few times how I'd rather talk on the phone, but he continued to text through Facebook which bugged me even more.  Having to log in using my device was a pain in the butt!  In my opinion, technology is cold and makes it hard to convey emotion and tone. 

This gentleman I credit with an awesome date.  He booked me for an entire day and planned it all out.  I was pleasantly surprised, we had a great time.  This was part of one of my animal stories.  That was the day I had to deal with a snake and a spider!  We had also had a good first meeting at Lake Leamy.  For the first time in a long while, I felt like there was some potential.  I remained cautious and went with the flow.  Unfortunately after a few weeks I just wasn't feeling it.  We seemed to come from two completely different worlds.  I often have work and social engagements to attend and he didn't seem interested in participating, he said he hated that kind of stuff.  His military experience seemed to have soured him against these types of events.  For me this was a deal breaker.  If I'm with someone, I expect him to be supportive and accompany me to these events.  Certainly not every single event, but I was tired of always going alone or having to ask a girl friend to go with me.

I was honest and told him how I felt.  He argued I had misunderstood and hoped I would reconsider.  Hard to misunderstand when someone tells you no less than 3 times how much they hate those events and that they will not attend.  Anyways.  I wished him luck with his search.  We've stayed in touch.  I'll write about our date in another post. 

Round 23 went far better than the last few.  It was certainly more positive and gave me the encouragement to continue my search.  Obviously there are still some nice guys out there.  They may not all necessarily be a good match for me, but you don't know if you don't try and friendship is always an option.  As much as I have my preferences, I try to keep an open mind and remain flexible.  After all, a guy could have great qualities I've never even thought of.

I was feeling a bit more confident.  I would take things one day at a time.  The weather was improving and the sunshine made a huge difference.  Time for the beach!

Dateless in Ottawa