I ask myself this question a million times and the answer is always different. On the surface I have to say yes, but when I look deep down inside I'm not so sure. Who doesn't feel lonely or like the third wheel when it seems like everyone around you is in a relationship? Of course I enjoy any excuse to get out. If I can meet someone nice to engage it endless conversation or do an activity I enjoy with, all the better. Doesn't help when older family friends of my parents ask, "What's wrong with you? How can you not meet a man when you're constantly surrounded by them at work?" I just smile and nod.
As much as I loved being married and feeling like I was a part of something bigger, when my husband took his life I was left feeling abandoned, incomplete and lost. Part of me fears ever having to go through that again for any reason. We all know we aren't going to live forever, but the thought of losing someone I love is too hard to bare.
What did I love about being married?
- There was someone there that had my back, it was a sense of security.
- Having someone to do things with; travel, laugh, cry, share ideas...everything.
- Feeling wanted, loved and needed.
- The intimacy and special moments you only share with your significant other. This one is huge.
- Becoming parents and going through the entire journey from conception to birth together.
- On the bad days, looking forward to going home and falling into my husband's arms where I could forget about the bad even if only for a few minutes.
- Celebrating holidays and special occassions with two families and filling the house.
- Planning surprises and date nights.
- Facing challenges together and working towards finding a solution.
- Supporting each other and celebrating our successes.
After being single for most of the last 4 years, it's challenging. I feel like I've become set in my ways and far less willing to compromise.
What do I find challenging about being in a relationship now?
- I don't want to share my space. Just the thought of moving in with someone causes me anxiety. I like things a certain way and I won't budge. Yes call me OCD, anal, whatever. I like having my bed all to myself too! Why do I have to pick a side or share?
- Over the years I've learned how important it is to have alone time. Getting away by myself is very therapeutic. I have no issue taking myself out to dinner or a movie. Sitting alone at a restaurant doesn't bother me and I'm not going to have a conversation at a movie anyways so why not go alone?
- Feeling like I have to explain where I'm going, when and with who is exhausting. I'm so used to just doing what I want, when I want that when in a relationship I suddenly feel tied down and like I need to ask permission to do anything. I don't do well with interrogations either.
- My life is extremely busy with the kids and work. Trying to juggle my regular routine and then making time for a significant other is challenging. Honestly there are weeks when I feel like it's all about everyone else and there's no time for just me, yet I'm left feeling guilty because there isn't enough of me to go around.
- Being very independent, I have a hard time accepting help or letting someone take on what I consider to be my responsibility, especially when it comes to my kids.
- I've become extremely picky and I refuse to settle.
Now add additional life challenges like caring for/worrying about aging parents, health issues, stress at work and the wonderful teenage years and my life becomes a volcano on the verge of eruption. Some would argue that having a significant other would help to reduce the burden. Tasks could be distributed so that everything doesn't fall to me, but given my type A personality, I thrive when I'm overloaded. The more I take on, the more organized I am! If I'm stressed, best to leave me alone to navigate the storm. Try to help and I feel imposed upon and suffocated. If I want help, I'll ask for it.
When I was younger I so wanted children and a large family. At 25 when I was told I'd never have children I was devastated. Fast forward to 30 and I proved the doctors wrong. I managed to have 4 beautiful healthy children. Crazy as it sounds, I'd have another. That in itself is enough to scare off most men! Being a mother has been by far my greatest achievement and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. My children are a huge factor when choosing a significant other.
So, am I ready to date? Your guess is as good as mine. Depends on the day and my mood! They say when the right person comes along, everything falls into place with minimal effort. If it becomes work or stressful, it's not meant to be.
Based on all of the above, I think it best that I remove dating from my list of priorities. Funny when older people say, "Dear, be patient and stop looking. The right man will find you and you'll know he's the one." Maybe they're right, who knows. Mind you these are usually the same ones asking me why I can't find a man! Lol
Are you ready to date? Examine your life and populate your own pros and cons lists. At the end of the day you have to be happy. Try not to stress over the opinions of well-intentioned family and friends. Trust that you're right where you're supposed to be and don't settle.
Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
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