Online dating was quite the trip! Kind of like suffering from major jet lack when returning home from a holiday in Asia. I was feeling disoriented, confused, sad, disappointed, angry, hurt, dazed, frustrated, defeated and felt like a failure. As I looked back on my online dating misadventures what stood out most was how lonely I felt. After putting in a concerted effort into trying to find love using online dating on and off for almost 5 years, I was at the exact same place where I started....single and alone. I was worn and battered, not to mention older.
I reminisced about being married. How proud I was to wear my engagement and wedding bands. They were a part of me and were a symbol of all the things I cherished most - family, love, security, happiness, devotion, fidelity, respect, the fairy tale ending most little girls dream of. Marriage isn't always perfect or easy, but it was a wonderful feeling to be a part of something so special. While I was writing this I saw the movie "Just the Way you Are." I cried. It brought back so many memories. At times you think your significant other is too wrapped up in their work and activities to remember the little things that make you feel special, to behave and demonstrate through actions that he cares. Suddenly out of the blue he surprises you and makes you feel like a million bucks! It doesn't take much, but it means the world to you. Coincidental that the main character also loved Lilies of the Valley. Rare tiny bell shaped flowers with a delicate scent that only bloom once a year for a couple of weeks, usually around Mother's Day. Life with all of it's responsibilities like work and children can sometimes get in the way, but with some creativity and effort, we can surprise our significant other and inject some sparks into the relationship.
I truly miss doing those special things to let my significant other know how much he means to me. Planning surprises, having date nights, laughing, while at work being anxious and looking forward to getting home to see my man, sending flirty texts to let him know I was thinking about him. A note in an unexpected place, a card in the mail, a friend showing up to deliver a special message and act as a facilitator. It was fun and exciting. When you finally see each other your eyes lock, you feel weak in the knees and you're filled with this overwhelming desire. When you touch, you melt into each other and become one. This is what I want and need, what I missed more than anything. Even when there were disagreements or things did get bad, there was make up sex! You don't get that when you're alone. Battery operated boyfriends are a tad overrated! Lol Was I being unrealistic? Were my expectations to high? Maybe a little, ok alot. Who was I kidding?
Online dating had the ability to deal you a harsh dose of reality. It often came spiked with cruelty and dishonesty with a generous serving of disrespect. Not recommended for the faint of heart. If you're not careful, it can turn even the kindest most naïve and gentle soul into a cold heartless individual. Sadly the bad experiences far outweighed the positive ones. I tried to focus on the good, but it was hard.
I started spending more time with family and friends. Thinking about my life and all the things I had to be grateful for. Focusing on me and my needs and worrying less about the kids. They were growing and becoming more and more independent every day. I had to make more time for me without feeling guilty. This was part of the journey. The break from online dating would give me time to heal and rediscover myself. I had changed over the years and I needed to get to know the new me. It was also time to explore other options for meeting people and putting myself out there. At any given time there were millions of single people around the world finding their mates. How did they do it? Was there anything new out there? What kinds of services could facilitate finding a mate? This would become my new project while distracting me from all the negative feelings I had amassed from my online dating experiences.
For those of you still using online dating, I commend you. It has the potential to work and I wish you all the best.
Dateless in Ottawa
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