It's very discouraging when others tell you to stay in a relationship you're not happy in because: "You're getting older and you won't find anyone better."
"You're way too picky, what is wrong with you?"
What is settling? Is that what my parents did? Were they truly happy? How many people settle? This question haunts me endlessly.
In an age where everything including relationships have become so disposable and temporary, why would or should anyone have to settle? I suppose in some cases people have very good reasons for settling. It could be for financial reasons, due to religion, out of obligation or devotion and countless other reasons we probably wouldn't understand or think of.
Years ago and still in some cultures, if you're not married by a certain age you're labeled an old maid. This can be viewed as a disgrace and/or a burden to the family. A woman might feel forced to marry whomever would have her or who she's been arranged to marry to make her family happy and preserve their honour. Very sad, I can't imagine being stuck in that situation.
Personally I want to feel madly, head over heels in love with my partner and I would hope that he would feel the same way about me. Your heart should skip a beat when they kiss you. When they touch you, you melt and your entire body tingles. When you see them walking into a room you suddenly feel butterflies in your stomach. When you're apart, you yearn for them. There should be an element of passion. No relationship is perfect. There will be times when you're so pissed off you don't want to see them, but most of the time you should long to be together and miss them. Don't forget, make-up sex is a wonderful thing!
Am I being realistic? Sadly it's possible that many people don't experience any of what I've listed above. Reading this they'll think I'm insane and living in some fantasy world that only exists in my brain. In my case I have felt these emotions and know they exist. Trust me it's real and possible. You can experience fireworks. For years I didn't think it was possible. Watching all those romantic movies and racy sex scenes. I would gag and say, "Whatever, that is so fake as if!" OMG, when it does happen you are blown away. I can't begin to describe the feelings I experienced, but they are addictive and wonderful. Sad when I think that many people don't experience any of this in a lifetime. The question is will I find the same thing again? Is it a once in a life time thing that I should be grateful I experienced and now take whatever I can get? No two people are the same nor do they fit together physically the same way so one shouldn't compare, but it's so hard not to. How do you go from mind blowing sex to just ok? When you're accustomed to something a certain way, it's hard to accept anything less. Change is difficult and in some cases, impossible.
There are some amazing people out there, but at what point do our expectations become unrealistic and/or unattainable? Is it fair to the other person?
I'll ask the question again, what does it mean to "settle" when we're talking about relationships? Let's check out some definitions I found online:
1. Settling - accepting significantly less than you want, because you don't think you can get what you want. (Quora)
2. Settle - the act of giving up someone you love or something of value for less than desired, the act of not being able to satisfy your need or want and choosing someone or something of lower standard or value. (Urban dictionary)
3. Settling - being in a relationship with someone that you know deep down you won't always be happy with. (eNotalone)
4. Settling - staying with someone that you are not into or not in love with, just for the sake of being with someone. (eNotalone)
There are so many factors that can impact whether or not a person settles.
1. Fear of being alone
- I know many people that just can't be alone so they'll stay with whomever, just so that they are not alone.
2. Finances
- There are other out there that stay with someone simply for the money. They pay the bills and afford them a lifestyle they wouldn't otherwise be able to afford.
3. Convenience
- You fall into a routine and it works. It's not bad and it's not great, but it could be far worse so why not? Both parties are content.
4. Obligation/Devotion
- Growing up my parents drilled into us that, "When you make your bed, you sleep in it. Marriage is forever." All fine and well in a perfect world, but what happens if your spouse dies? What if they beat the crap out of you or cheat, do you have to stay? Should you be alone for the rest of your life? Seems like a person is punished for circumstances beyond their control.
5. Religion
- Much like my parents, the Catholic religion teaches us that marriage is forever. Divorce is a sin. Once again it doesn't address what a widow(er) should do. If you would have asked my Grandmother, she'd say you never look at another man. She was widowed at 29 and left with 4 young children. She wore black until the day she died at the age of 100 and never even contemplated re-marrying. She struggled financially and with medical issues, but the thought of remarrying never crossed her mind.
6. Age
- I would imagine the older you are, the less picky you are? Not sure I'm 100% sold on this as I find with age I get pickier and refuse to compromise! Lol As I look at my older relatives that have been widowed, things like sex, money, material wealth and jet setting around the world are not important. Most are content on their own or simply want companionship, someone to talk to, go for walks with, etc. Their needs have changed.
7. You believe you can change him/her
- A person will only change if they want to. You can't force a person to be someone or something they are not. Some will stay together believing that eventually they will change their partner and mold them into their idea of perfect.
8. Low self-esteem
- You believe you don't deserve any better so you'll stay with whomever will have you.
It's complicated. To me it is inconceivable to settle, I'd rather be alone than pretend to be happy. I have to be honest with myself and with the person I'm with. Perhaps one day I'll solve this complex conundrum. For now I have to trust that life is as it should be and see what the future brings.
Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa
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