Wow, have things ever changed! Online dating has become far worse than I expected.

I had been away from online dating for about a year and a half.  My goodness, it feels like a lifetime ago.  Anyone who's ever tried it can attest to how emotionally draining and ego shattering online dating can be, but I never could've prepared myself for how much it has changed.  Things have gotten much worse.  I don't know what it is.  What is up with humanity? 

OMG, less than 48 hours on the site and this is what I experienced:
1. 3 crotch shots!  This is a new record and an all time low for men.
Are guys for real?  I'm sorry, but not the least bit sexy or attractive in my opinion.  Obnoxious, inappropriate, lacking class, politically incorrect...these are just a few of the adjectives that come to mind.  Why, after exchanging a couple of emails do guys suddenly feel it's appropriate to send a picture of their penis?  Guys, I mean boys, please keep it in your pants.  By the way boys, you might not be as well endowed as you think you are, so spare yourself some embarrassment along with a strong dose of rejection!  Do you really believe women like these?  To each his own I suppose.  I haven't even met you in person to determine whether any attraction or chemistry exists, I can assure you we definitely won't be meeting now because it's painfully obvious you're only looking for one thing.

2. Inappropriate usernames, emails and profiles, too many to count!
a) By simply reading usernames, you can quickly identify who's just looking for sex.  Could you be any more blatantly obvious with usernames like "Bigandblack4u" or "Wellhungmale"?  I'll stop there.
b) Who sends an introductory email that says, "Yummy!" or "Yo" or "Mmmmm"? Excuse my language, but WTF???
Time to go back to school boys and relearn English grammar, spelling and how to properly construct a greeting and/or introductory email.  God forbid I ask you to write an entire paragraph, as it seems that would be well beyond most of these boys' capabilities. Yes, I'll refer to these guys as boys because the term gentlemen absolutely does not apply.  I would expect a man to behave with a bit more class and maturity.
Then there's the emails asking what my sexual fetishes, preferences and favourite positions are?  So much for addressing the basics first like name, occupation, where you live and what your background is.  Can we meet to see if there's any potential first and then maybe if we hit it off, explore the topic of sex?  What happened to having a bit of mystery and intrigue?  Are surprises now out of fashion?  I totally get that if the physical aspect of a relationship is extremely important to you, it's good to make that known to a potential partner to ensure you're both on the same page, but there are more classy, politically correct and/or subtle ways of doing that. 
c) Profiles can be very scary.  As if I'll respond to an email that simply says, "Yummy" attached to a profile that says:  "I taste amazing!"  So much for sites claiming you must have a minimum number of characters in your profile.  Not sure how he got away with this one.  Are you kidding me?  I'm beyond shocked.  And most of this coming from boys in their 50's.  Are they going through another mid-life crisis?  Perhaps it's a form of male menopause?  OMG it's an epidemic of unmeasurable proportions!  I guess the generalization that men never grow up has some truth it, not to mention they just seem to get worse as they age.  Sad that my teenage son behaves with more class and decorum than these morons. 
What about a profile that goes on and on about his last girlfriend, how sexy she was and how much he loved her.  Unfortunately she grew tired of the love, but loved his cooking so he regularly makes house calls to deliver food???  WTF really?  Like food is all he's delivering and he has to make that known to all who read his profile.  Oh, I'm dying to meet you dude....NOT!
Then there's the one that goes into an elaborate explanation about the differences between nipple skin and elbow skin?  Excuse me?  I thought I was reading a profile not a weird medical journal or opinion piece.  I was speechless.  What does one say to that?  Not to mention I can't quite figure out how that is suppose to attract women?  Did I miss something?
And these guys wonder why they're single.  OMG get a grip!  Go read your profile, better yet, ask a few friends or co-workers to read it and provide feedback.  Highly unlikely they'll give you a thumbs up.

3. Pictures
Once again, what's up with the married guys sporting their wedding rings?  Unreal, talk about bad liars.  Their profiles claim they are single or divorced, but there they are showing off their shiny gold wedding band in not one or two, but most if not all of their profile pics!  Wait let me guess, you have no other pictures of yourself?  In this day and age that's the lamest excuse anyone can come up with.  Take a selfie, similar to the ones you took wearing your wedding band while standing in front of a mirror in the bathroom!  By the way most mobile devices have a feature that allows you to turn the camera around so you don't have to stand in front of a mirror.  Just saying, maybe you should read the owner's manual.  Better yet, ask a friend or family member to take a picture of you.  It's truly not that difficult.  If you're too embarrassed to ask a friend, pretend you're a tourist and ask a stranger or server to take a picture while you're out and about. 
Oh wait, it gets better.  The infamous bathroom selfies while standing half-naked!  Some even in a public washroom!  Boys grow up and put some clothes on!  Gross, a picture with a toilet or urinal in the background.  Do boys really believe these pictures are sexy and appealing?  Think again, NOT!  If you must do the bathroom selfie thing, do it at home.  BUT please, please, please make sure your bathroom is clean and the toilet seat is down in case you forgot to flush.  Unbelievable!!!  This should go without saying.  Is common sense that lacking these days?  Bad enough you can't write, I strongly recommend you look at your pictures closely before you post them online.

When in doubt boys, here's a simple rule of thumb for you - if you wouldn't show the picture to your Mother, don't post it on your profile or send it by email!  If you wouldn't say it to your Mother, don't say it to a woman or anyone else for that matter.  Better to err on the side of caution.  If you wouldn't ask your Mom a certain question, don't ask a virtual stranger who you're hoping to date.    Once in a relationship or at least dating and somewhat comfortable, then ask your questions and get more racy.  Until then, mind your manners!

My online dating experience to date is extremely discouraging this time around.  I'm actually quite terrified. Very hard to remain positive when after barely being on the site for 2 days you encounter all of the above and then some.  Can anyone tell me what normal is?  I'm so confused, maybe it's me?  Have things changed so drastically that I'm completely out of touch with reality?  It's not like I've been in a comma for 20 years!

Oh well, I'm persistent and don't give up easily.  I'll ride the waves while holding onto the hope that there are still some nice, honest and normal people out there.  The world would be a very sad place if they didn't exist.  They are rare and in the minority, hence hard to find.  Wish me luck, this time I have no doubt I'm most definitely going to need it!

God help all of us single people looking for love!  Maybe I need a time machine to take me back 20 years when life was less complicated!  Good luck!!!

Dateless in Ottawa

Round 34 - Back to online dating...what am I getting myself into??? - updated

After a long break I had to reassess my life. 

Family -  The kids were thriving and doing well in school.  They were also helping out around the house more which greatly lightened my load.
Work - Was going great.  Very busy with lots of travel, but it was nice to meet new people and see new places.  At the same time the kids get a break from me too!  Lol
Health -  On the health front things were ok too and I had miraculously lost weight!  Wasn't even trying, it just seems to keep falling off.  Perfect, just in time for Summer and bikini weather!  Lol
Life - In general life was good.  Great family and friends and lots to do.

What was missing?
All of a sudden I seemed to have more time.  Not sure where it came from.  As nice as it is to have time for oneself, you start overthinking and comparing yourself to others.  It reminds you of what you once had, what you don't have and what you wish you had.  I missed being the other half of a couple.  Overall I was content with my life.  There's nothing I can't do and I'm not in need of being rescued or taken care of.  I have a house, food, vehicles and all the things I enjoy.  My family and friends are amazing.  Twice a year I take vacation leave and travel, things were good.

There was only one thing missing that would make life as close to perfect as it could be.  I longed for a companion.  Someone to do things with.  Go out to dinners, weekend getaways, long walks...the list is endless.  It would be nice to have a date for all the different events I attend through work and with friends.  Being the 3rd wheel is not fun.  I love my friends dearly, but when we're out at dinners or weddings, I'm the one that winds up alone at the table when the slow songs come on and some of the fast ones too.  How I missed having a dance partner!  And I won't lie, there's a huge void in the intimacy department. 
Lately I've been travelling extensively for work.  Go figure I keep getting these amazing upgrades at hotels, but I'm all alone!  The last trip I was upgraded to a suite.  I was blown away when I got to my room.  There were 2 queen beds, small office, fireplace and a huge corner Jacuzzi tub.  I could've had a party in the tub!  Damn, rub it in just a little bit more than I'm single!  I don't get it, I booked for one, why would they think this was a good idea?  A complimentary dinner or massage would be way more useful and thoroughly enjoyed.  Oh well, romantic celebration pour une!  Lol
One thing that really annoys me when eating out alone is when they seat you at a table for 2 and then  abruptly take away the second place setting.  First of all I don't need to be reminded that I'm alone and honestly does it matter?  There was one waiter that was really rude.  He just starting grabbing everything off the table, slamming the cutlery and stemware like he was pissed off that I created more work for him.  I commented and his response, "Well you're alone and not expecting anyone are you?"  Thank you very much!  So considerate of you, as if I didn't know I was alone.  Did I not say, "Table for one when I arrived?"  They could at least let me sit down, get comfortable and  discreetly take away the extra place setting while I look at the menu.  Why do they even bother setting the tables in advance anyways?  Wait till you seat the clients then bring the place settings you need.  Good grief, you'd think I was going to play musical chairs and dirty the second place setting too!

So what are the options for dating? 
-Work is out of the question because I don't mix business with pleasure.  Very bad work environment when things don't end well and you have to see the person every day.  Not to mention most of the people I work with are married.
-Going out and meeting people.  Not sure how that happens or where to even go, but yes some meet their significant other while waiting in line at Tim Hortons, shopping at Home Depot or on a plane during a business trip.  Sorry, I'm just not that lucky.  Probably because if I'm going to Timmy's, I'm at the drive through, my Dad or male friends will pick up what we need from Home Depot when they help me fix something and when I travel I try to catch up on sleep!
-Getting set-up by friends could be an option. but it hasn't worked in the past.  Within my circles of friends, most people at this age are married.  My girlfriends don't have any single brothers, cousins or friends.  Furthermore they always say, "If a man is single at this age, it's for a good reason and you don't want him."  Thanks, what does that say for me?  Apparently I'm an exception because I was widowed and didn't choose to be alone.  Works for me and it's true.
-Ok, I guess by default, online dating it is!  After all, this is a tool that allows you to  meet people you probably wouldn't otherwise get the opportunity to meet.  Can you tell I'm trying to focus on the positive?  Lol

On to round #34 - What am I getting myself into?
Based on my recent experience with Zoosk, there's no way in hell I'm paying to find love, so POF is the winner by default!  I created my profile and uploaded 4 pictures.  A head shot, a full body shot (a picture on the beach to represent my love of travel and water), another at an event and a picture of a paella I made to show of my culinary talents.  One of my best male friends helped me pick a cute user name and my opening line is "Will cook for love".  My Mother always said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach!

For my preferences I was a bit more selective this time.  Users that wanted to email me had to have a picture posted, the acceptable distance was 50 km (I expanded a bit to cast my net further), age range 45-55 (I tightened this one up as men over 55 typically aren't interested in young children and I still have a 6 year-old) and listed a wide range of interests.  My profile was funny, while detailing what I'm looking for and the qualities that are most important to me in a mate.  It wasn't too long or too short.  I had a few friends read it just to make sure it was ok.  They gave me the thumbs up and poof, I was active!

I told myself I wouldn't allow myself to become all consumed and obsessed.  No expectations = no disappointment....yeah right, we'll see how long that lasts!  For starters I'd log in and do some searches.  If I found a profile that piqued my interest, I'd add it to my favourites to let him know I had viewed his profile and was interested.  No sending introductory emails unless I found a totally outstanding profile and I thought the guy would be my perfect match.  I was going to put the ball in the guys' court.  Chivalry is huge for me, so if a guy puts in the effort, he'll get my attention.  Once or twice a week I'd go in and check my inbox for emails.  POF sends email notifications when users send you an email or add you as a favourite, so this would help me keep track. 

Off I went.  Stay tuned for my interesting, wild, wacky, not so great, fantastic and original online dating adventures.  If nothing else, I'll have tons more material for my blog to keep you all thoroughly entertained!  Lol







Dateless in Ottawa

Zoosk: Rethinking the whole paying for online dating services - DON'T!!!

You all know my stance when it comes to paying to find love, but after discussions with friends, most of them felt that I was being too narrow minded.  In their opinions, paying for services would provide one with better quality services.  If someone was going to invest money in finding their significant other, this would imply they were more serious and willing to put their best foot forward.  At the end of the day who wants to throw money away stupidly?  Their arguments made sense.  Maybe I needed to rethink and give a paying site a shot.  What did I have to lose?  Money obviously, but I am worth it and who knows maybe things will be different.

The next question was, what site?  Options are endless, but I decided to stay away from ones I had previously had paid memberships on.  This time there would be no Match or eHarmony.  After several google searches, Zoosk seemed to keep coming up as a highly rated site.  In the past they didn't charge, but now there was a membership fee to fully use their services. 

The ensuing barrage of emails was beyond overwhelming.  There was no rhyme or reason to the emails.  I couldn't figure out a schedule or system, there was no consistency. I couldn't find anywhere to change settings or limit emails.  Zoosk sends an email every time someone views your profile, to advise you that a member wants to meet you, with lists of members they think you might be interested in, lists of smartpicks, dating tips, encouraging you to sign up, to advise you a member has sent you an email and the list goes on an on.....  I find it way too much.  My inbox fills constantly and most of it is junk.  Managing your inbox becomes a full-time job!

On other sites they send you a weekly email with a list of matches.  On Zoosk you could get one daily, every second day, every third, two the same day.....OMG no consistency.  Do I care when someone views my profile?  NO.  I want them to contact me because they liked what they read and want to get to know me.

Anyways, I left the profile up for about a month and didn't subscribe.  At the end of the month, I had a notification that there were 46 emails in my inbox an 16 greetings.  This seemed impressive.  Maybe this site was different and my profile was getting more attention due to a broader audience?  Better quality candidates?  One could only assume, so I finally broke down and decided to subscribe. 

First off, when you complete the form a message pops up advising there's a one-time registration fee.  Wait a second!!!  Funny how this wasn't mentioned anywhere previously.  This pissed me off so I deleted everything.  Registration fee for what?  It made no sense.  $75.00 now became $100.00.  It's not significant, but really?  To a single mom it can make a huge difference. 

Oh well, I told myself I deserved to find happiness and I was well worth $100.00.  It was my turn to do something for myself.  Off I went, signed up and paid.  Immediately I noticed all the phone numbers and customer service contact info that was forever present, disappeared.  Suddenly a message appeared stating that all fees were non-refundable.  This didn't give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

I immediately logged in to check my inbox.  OMG I was so pissed off.  There weren't 46 emails in my inbox.  The ones that were there were system generated emails when members had liked my picture, very similar to the meet me feature on Plenty of Fish.  There were about 20 of these.  The so called greetings, are when members click on "meet you", so once again they are all system generated.  What a huge let down.  I immediately tried to contact customer service to cancel the membership.  This was beyond dishonest and misleading.  Talk about playing on people's emotions, lying and ultimately ripping them off. 

Given my experience with online dating to date and all the stats on how 80% or more of members are dishonest, the last thing I need is for the site itself to further add insult and injury to it's unsuspecting members. They promise they have your best interests at heart, they are there to help you find your soul mate, a state of the art matching system and quality members.  Yeah right, I should've stuck to my original stance.  Low and behold I couldn't find anyway of contacting customer service.  Eventually I found a link, but after completing the feedback form I got an error message stating the message could not be sent!  I was so mad.  So now here I am stuck with this membership.

To date, I have yet to receive an email from a member.  As if I'm not already getting too many emails, now I further get system generated emails to advise me of mutual matches, only 2 to date! 

To anyone out there contemplating paying for online dating services, I say don't do it.  At the end of the day these companies don't care about helping you finding love, it's all about the bottom line.  They play with your emotions and make empty promises to get your money.  There are a lucky few that may find love, but I don't believe these sites deserve the credit.   After paying for my subscription and doing user searches, many of these guys are on POF and other free sites.  So much for the theory that paying makes you more serious....NOT!

Once again, I highly discourage anyone from paying for online dating services.  Use the free sites because it's the same people using all the sites and I don't believe any of these companies have a magic formula to help you find love.  No matter how much you pay, no site can control whether or not its members are being honest and this has the greatest impact on the success of a relationship. I don't care how pretty they make the site look or how many members they claim to have, we all just need that one special person not millions.  Don't be discouraged, chances are you'll have to meet upwards of 100 people before you might find the one.  Take it in stride and have fun.  Worry about today, don't plan too far in advance or over think.  

Good luck, we certainly need it with members and the companies that claim to be there to help us all being dishonest.  Dating was so much easier 20 years ago!

Dateless in Ottawa 

Online Dating Sites Explored - Part 6: Zoosk

Years ago someone had set up a Zoosk account on my behalf.  I suddenly started getting emails and couldn't figure out who these guys were and why they were emailing me.  Never did figure out who did it!

Zoosk is on the top 10 Online Dating Sites list, so off I went to check it out.  I set-up a profile without any pictures.  It doesn't cost anything to create a profile, but if you want to read and send messages you have to subscribe.  The site allows you to send 4 emails at no cost, but if you don't subscribe you can't read their responses.

It was easy enough to set-up the profile.  Zoosk asks the basis questions like location, age, sex and you can add information on your perfect match and ideal date.  You'll then get a series of Smartpick questions.  These touch on your preferences like smoking, height, ethnicity and religion.  I like the look of the site and it's easy to navigate which gives it a thumbs up from me!  Lol   Definitely very basic and to the point. 

The username I chose was approved and then when you add your story it gets approved before it is added to your profile.  You can add interests like music, movies, sports and TV shows.

One thing that's very different on this site is that it has a verification area.  By linking your Facebook or Twitter account, it claims you improve your reputation on Zoosk which results in more messages and connections.  This can also be done through photo verification or your phone number.  Personally I don't want information from my social media accounts linked to an online dating profile, nor do I want anyone to have access to my phone number until I'm ready to share it.  The site claims they will never tweet or post on Facebook on your behalf, so not sure why anyone would go this route
 it seems unnecessary to me.

The profile was all set-up and my content was approved.  Another online dating site that inundates you with emails.   Oh my goodness!  Zoosk is somewhat inconsistent in that some times I get daily matches, other times it's every second or third day and weekly.  I can't figure out a system or way of altering my email preferences under settings.  Basically for emails you have the option to enable or disable.  They also send you a notification when another member sends you an email.  Even if you haven't subscribed, you can look at the member's profile just not read the email. 

I haven't quite figured out all the functionality, but much of it only become accessible when you subscribe.  Costs to join are $12.49 per month for 6 months or $19.98 per month for 3 months.   

One feature that I wish it had was the ability to set distance limits.  I can't find that anywhere and many of the matches I've received fall well outside of my acceptable limit.  Under the Smartpick questions for height, I specifically said I wouldn't date men shorter than me yet many of the emails I received were from men that didn't meet my preference.

Paying to find love goes against my principles so I'll have to pass on Zoosk as well.  If you're big on social media and using your smartphone, Zoosk could work for you.  Check out their mobile app.

Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa   

Online Dating Sites Explored - Part 5: Elite Singles - updated

I've seen many Elite Singles advertisements.  This is another site I've never used.  Time to check it out!

Who uses Elite Singles?  According to their site:

"...the majority of our members are educated, relatively affluent, and between the ages of 30 and 55. That said, Canadian singles of all ages can (and do!) find love on our site as, above anything, we are designed for singles seeking lasting commitment."

After reading this, I think they are making too many assumptions.  I think it's more than likely inaccurate that the majority of their members are affluent and educated.  Besides, how do they define educated?  This could mean very different things depending on who you ask; completed high school, bachelors degree, tradesperson, masters degree?  At the very least, I have a hard time believing it.  Makes you wonder what members choose within the various categories and what they are seeking in a perfect match.

Also, for those not looking for a lasting commitment, maybe this site is not for you!  Personally I would eventually like to have an exclusive and long lasting relationship, hopefully my forever and last relationship.  For now, I'll set-up a profile and check out the site.

It's easy enough to start.  The site guides you step-by-step.  Once your basic information is entered, the questions start appearing.  This is their in-depth personality test which helps them to determine what you're looking for in a partner.  There are a lot of questions, tons of questions.  The format on this site is very different.  When answering the questions it's more like a rating scale in terms of how important the particular category, quality or element is to you.  The range starts at "Not at all Important" and there are 3 other options before arriving at the last rating of "Very Important."  I like that they touch on all aspects like languages, distance, education level, income....many of these can be used when doing advanced searches on other sites, but here you can rate the importance of each so they can find you appropriate matches.  Other questions can be answered with yes, no or maybe like for example whether you want to have children with your partner.

Overall, the questions seemed very thorough and I like being able to identify the importance of each category and what I expect from a partner. 

As you are responding to the questions, matches, visitors to your profile and messages begin to appear across the top of the screen.  You are able to see your matches with their pictures blurred, but of course if you want to read any messages or interact with other members, you have to subscribe.  There are 3 levels of membership.  Light, comfort and classic.  Rates start at $29.95 per month and go as high as $99.95 for a one month membership.   

The site is user friendly and easy to navigate.  I really like how detailed the profiles are in terms of what's most important to you, but perhaps there's a bit too much information.  Some profiles seem endless with lists of a member's strengths.  Haven't they heard of "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?"  Gives the appearance that you're rambling on about how awesome you are.  I think 3 adjectives is usually sufficient, keep it simple and humble.  Personally a bit of mystery and intrigue is important.  Besides, you need to have something to talk about when you meet and some of the qualities may be less important than you think when you get to know someone.  It's too easy to rate things and after what seems like hundreds of questions, are we really being truly honest or simply trying to get to the end of the questionnaire by choosing somewhat important for all questions?

At the end of the day, I refuse to pay to find love.  I have yet to find a site that convinces me that becoming a paid member will guarantee or at the very least increase my chances of finding the one.

Update: I left this profile up for a bit and I was shocked at how many emails I received.  My inbox was full in no time. Way, way too many emails.  Some were to let me know someone was requesting a picture, my profile had been viewed, another member has uploaded a picture, proposals, subscribe now and save, etc. the list goes on and on.  I'm ok with getting a weekly email with matches, but this constant barrage of emails was overwhelming.  I deleted the profile, this site is most definitely not for me.  It's the equivalent of a high pressure sales experience only it's via email!  Anything to try to convince you to sign up.  Makes me wonder how many matches I'd actually get if I was a paid  member as it seemed too artificial and staged. 

Good luck!
Dateless in Ottawa   

Online Dating Sites Explored - Part 4: OK Cupid - updated

On to the next site. A friend mentioned having used OK Cupid, but I had never been on it or seen it.  It's on the top 10 online dating list so time to check it out.

So far this site is by far the most difficult to navigate, my IT challenges don't help either.  Definitely not user friendly in my opinion, for whatever it’s worth.  OK Cupid is advertised as a free online dating site, but there are some features you have to pay for.  I’m still trying to figure this one out and how it works.  Not sure what an A-List is or why I should pay for it.

I created a profile.  For this site, you have to upload a picture before it will allow you to continue.  I was less than thrilled, as I'm simply checking these sites out and not interested in looking at this point.  There must be a way to hide the profile and I better figure that out quick!  Amazing how much detail you can add about yourself.  There are several sections that you don’t have to fill out, but they encourage you to include as much information about yourself as possible to increase your chances.  Funny how many sites use the same line “to increase your chances.”  Keep buying your Lotto Max tickets!

Once the profile is complete, they start sending you a series of questions.  The answers you provide are used to find you matches.  Well, I was shocked at how many questions they ask.  The nice thing is some of the questions are related to preferences.  Height is usually pretty big for me.  I appreciated that they also ask about religion and ethnic preferences.  We each know what is most important to us and what our deal breakers are, so I thought this was good.  I haven’t seen questions like this on other sites when creating a profile.  You can narrow down what you’re looking for in advanced searches, but I don’t think the other sites use that information for the system generated matches. 

After answering several questions, they just kept coming.  It was endless.  Good thing I was kind of bored and killing some time.  I think I wound up answering 100. Ultimately I think there are way too many questions.  Some were related to your opinion on Trump and some of his ideas???  This seemed totally misplaced to me, I'm here to find love not fix the political problems of the world.  Then they dove into the sexual questions.  Go ahead and ask me if I like sex, but when you start getting into questions about frequency, fetishes, kink, etc. now you’ve gone overboard.  These are areas to be explored with a partner when and if you get there.  Every relationship is different.  How can one predetermine frequency?  This will vary depending on your partner and many things can impact it.  Not necessary or appropriate questions in my opinion.

It was a long process and when I tried to do a search for guys within my city, there wasn't much. With millions of members one would assume there would be a large enough pool of potential candidates within your city.

Eventually they show you matches and you click on an “x” if you’re not interested or a “√” if you are interested.  With all the questions I answered you’d think they’d have tons of matches for me, but sadly there were only 9!  Not sure what happens when there’s a mutual match.  For the ones I chose an “x”, I was not supposed to ever see those profiles again, but they are still able to email me.  I thought this was odd, if I'm not interested what's the point?  Initially I thought maybe you could only communicate with men who you'd said yes you were interested, which would be better I think.  As I mentioned previously, I’m still trying to figure this one out, but I don’t like it.

Nice that you can receive and respond to emails without having to pay. 

Issues with the site:
1. I’m in Canada, why are all the payments in US funds?  Yes, many companies are based in the US, but you’d think the offices set up in other countries would charge based on their national currency. 
2. If you change the search settings and remove the distance limit, you get all kinds of matches in the US.  I will travel for love within reason, but Texas??? 
3. Surprise, surprise...many of the same guys are on POF. 

Oh well, I tried.  Won’t be keeping this account.  The site is way too complicated for me and I just don’t have the time to figure it out. 

Update: Interestingly enough, before I had a chance to delete the profile, a gentleman wrote.  I struggled as I didn't set up the profile to find love.  I was simply checking out the site so I could blog about it.  The email was polite and he made the effort so I was compelled to respond.  He was very funny and seemed nice.  I was honest and explained why I created the profile.  Not sure he believed me, but I was telling the truth.

Him: So you're not single?
Me: Yes I am.
Him: What's the type you normally date?
Me: Someone with a sense of humour.
Him: I guess I'm good for a date then :)  :)  :)

Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted on what happens.  This was so unexpected.  Maybe it's true, when you least expect it things happen.

Another guy also wrote, but I recognized him right away.  He had written on POF several times.  He's one of those that writes fast and furious for several days oozing with compliments, then all of a sudden he deletes his profile.  He then creates a new one and writes to you again as if he's never contacted you before.  It's quite odd.  No thanks, delete!

This site sends you emails with matches and notifies you when you receive an email.  Not sure whether you can control the settings, but most of the online dating sites do this.  I didn't find it was an excessive amount of emails.  I stand by my decision of not paying to find love. 

Just because I didn't like it, doesn't mean it won't work for you, try it and see!

Dateless in Ottawa

Online Dating Sites Explored - Part 3: Match

I had used Match years ago.  At the time I thought it was by far the best looking site. It was colourful and very organized.  I also found you were able to add the most information and pictures.

Back to Match I went to check it out.  It says it's free to start.  There no cost to join or create a profile, but that's about as far as you'll get.  I followed the instructions and created my profile, but didn't upload a picture.  As I created the profile and added information, a number representing the matches found started to appear.  Once I had completed the profile, a message appeared across the screen that they had found me 11 matches.  It asked me to rate my matches, but basically it's a yes or no whether you'd want to meet them.  With time to kill, I figured why not.  Most of the profiles were very short.  The site looks completely different from what I remember.  It appears less user friendly, but then again I am not a paying member so functionality is very limited.  When you're unsure about paying, it's really hard to decide when you can't try out all of the features.

As I browsed through the profiles I started to laugh.  One, then two, three, four....Of the 11 matches they presented, 6 of the guys are on POF using the exact same profile picture.  So much for increasing your chances of relationship success if you use a paying site because members are more serious.  Yeah sure, this totally disproves that theory.  Then I went back to the main site and some of the pictures that appear are of celebrities.  Yup, like Pippa Middleton totally needs to be on Match.com. 

Once you finish rating your matches, a pop-up appears asking you to subscribe and lists the various options and costs.  Unless you subscribe, you cannot communicate with other members.  They have basic plans and bundle plans.  Costs can run as low as $16.00 US per month when you sign up for 12 months or as high as $24.99 US per month for a 3-month subscription.  Apparently they offer free 3-day trials, but I was not given that option.

Some of the features with a paid subscription:

Viewing and communication tools.

Mobile app.

Advanced search features.

Email filters.

A quiz.

Games. 

And others.

For the most part, I think all of these features are free on POF and probably a few other sites.  Given that many of the guys are on POF, why would someone pay to have a subscription on Match?  They claim to have a guarantee, but they don't make it easy and at the end of the day, you simply get another 6-month membership at no additional cost.  Read all the terms and good luck!

 

When something becomes labour intensive and/or too complicated, I lose interest.  Don't forget, I'm the one who's extremely IT challenged.  I have no issue investing time and putting in the effort, but when a site makes it too long and attaches a cost, I'll pass.  No doubt this site works for some. You have to find what you like and decide whether or not it's worth paying for.  At the end of the day, this profile will be deleted.

 

I recommend people check out various sites and compare features before signing up.

Good luck!

Dateless in Ottawa

Online Dating Sites Explored - Part 2: POF - updated

Who isn't familiar with POF?  It's probably the largest existing online dating site with millions of members world wide.  Creating an account and using the site is free, but you can choose to purchase an upgraded membership which affords you some added functionality and features.  Some of these extra features include:

Include 16 images on your profile.

View other user's extended profile.

See if emails you send are read or deleted.

Your profile will show up first on the "Meet Me" feature.

No ads will show up on the page.

You can see the date and time other users viewed your profile.

The site is relatively user friendly.  Having used it on several occasions over the years, you catch on fairly quickly and learn to navigate.  It has changed somewhat in that initially everything was free, but now some of the functionality is limited to the upgraded members only.  POF sends you weekly matches and they also organize singles events.  

One feature that I really liked that is no longer available is the user search.  If you new the username of the individual you were looking for, you could easily find them this way.  Sadly, this is no longer available.  With several friends on the site it was handy.  Now you have to go through all the meet me pictures or do searches and hope that they'll come up or they'll find you.

Personally I've never felt the added functionality was necessary so chose not to pay for an upgraded membership.  Online dating can be damaging enough to one's ego, do I really need to know if a guy has read or deleted my emails?  16 pictures???  I have a hard enough time posting 1 or 2, but to each his/her own.  At the end of the day, the upgraded membership is an option a user can add.

In my opinion, success or failure cannot be blamed on a site.  Success is dependent on the users and how honestly they portray themselves and their expectations, the site doesn't have any control over what users post.  They do their best to take down inappropriate pictures and materials, but the overall content of a profile is the responsibility of the individual users. 

If like me, you refuse to pay to find your significant other, POF is for you.  Check out the site and give it a try. 

Happy Dating!
Dateless in Ottawa

Online Dating and Sex - How important is it? - updated

Relationships vary extensively.  Some people are only ever with one person for most, if not all of their lives.  At times I feel sorry for friends that have no other experiences when it comes to intimacy and the physical aspects of a relationship.  Growing up our parents were religious and extremely strict.  You didn't talk about sex and dating was out of the question.  It was hard if not impossible to ask questions about puberty much less sex.  We were kind of left to our own vices and had to rely on sex education classes at school, friends, listening to the older kids or others we hung around with.  Looking back it's scary.  I'm shocked there weren't more pregnancies.  I was beyond naïve and had no clue about anything.  Of all my friends, I was the late bloomer.  I had tons of guy friends, in fact I got along with them better than most girls.  At junior high the girls were terrible.  There was always cattiness, competition, gossip and they were just plain nasty.  Growing up we didn't have a lot of money, so we were never into the brand names or trendy stuff.  I dressed kind of boring and frumpy, I guess I looked more like a geek.  Being a bit overweight didn't help and due to allergies I couldn't wear make-up.  Other girls spent hours on their hair, make-up and getting dressed.  For me that was time wasted, I had better things to do.  All of my girlfriends had boyfriends before we finished high school, I wasn't interested.  I remember my girlfriends would get mad that I was friends with so many guys, some of which they were interested in, but for me they were just friends there was no other interest.  They didn't believe me.  It was common for our friends to hang out at our house.  My parents much preferred having us and our friends at home so they knew where we were, with who and what we were doing.  No one complained about Mom's cooking either, if anything it kept them coming back.  

Finally at the age of 18 I met the guy that would become my first boyfriend.  My parents did try to match make me with a family friend when I was 16, but that ended in disaster.  There was another guy that claimed to be interested, but turns out he had a long term girlfriend so early on I learned to be cautious and not trust.

As we get older, we meet other people and date.  This is how we gain relationship experience.  I was always the one in long-term relationships.  Sadly they usually ended badly with me being the one hurt.  In all cases, the guys cheated.  Being inexperienced and naïve is not a good thing.  It opens you up to being taken advantage of.  Growing up everything seemed so perfect and ideallic.  You treat others the way you want to be treated, with honesty and compassion being the centre of your existence.  This is what our parents and religion taught us.  By the same token, our parents were quick to point out the differences between a good girl and a bad girl.  They never went into too much detail, but you pretty much knew if you couldn't talk to them about it, it was a bad thing so best not to go there.  This would explain why at the age of 18 I had never been kissed, other than on the cheek. 

The guy that would become my first boyfriend didn't believe me.  He was floored.  What shocked him even more was the fact that I was a virgin.  He didn't think those truly existed at my age.  As naïve as I was, it took him almost 2 years to finally get me into bed.  Sadly it was a terrible experience, for me anyways.  It was over in under 2 minutes with him fast asleep and me lying there crying out of disappointment.  I felt so let down.  OMG!  Those romantic movies made it look so beautiful and exciting.  They lied, what was this?  Is this how it is all the time?  If so, why do parents make such a big deal about it?  A good girl is supposed to save herself for marriage, why?  For what?  I was full of regret and thought, I'm going to go to hell.  How sad that we were programed to believe that.  I hadn't done any thing wrong.  Why did I suddenly feel so guilty and ashamed?

Over the years circumstances threw me back into the dating world and ultimately online dating.  This was an entirely new learning curve.  Don't even get me started with messaging and texting, I thought government had a lot of acronyms, never mind!  I met and dated a couple more guys.  I quickly learned that no two guys are alike.  Sooner or later you will have sex, it's normal and I think necessary.  The physical aspect of a relationship is equally important to the emotional.  Sex or love making is an art.  Some guys have it, others don't.  I'm sure the same applies to women.  Various factors come into play for a successful physical relationship.  For me, most importantly there has to be chemistry and physical attraction.  One night stands and sex for the sake of having sex is not and has never been for me.  I don't rush into anything so the guy better be very patient.  If he's not, then goodbye cause he's not for me.  Holding off for several weeks is a great way to determine whether or not a guy is simply after sex.

Back to the original question - How important is sex?
I guess it all depends on who you ask.  Sadly some of the people I asked stated that it was only important when trying to procreate, once they had the number of children they wanted, that was it.  Others simply don't enjoy it so they don't see the point in having it.  Some schedule sex.  Really?  Me of all people can totally understand how chaotic life can get with kids, work and other responsibilities, but schedule sex once a month?  OMG and you wonder why you're not happy?  You so have to read about the benefits of having sex regularly.  Very sad, I feel sorry for these people.  Then you have the extreme opposite end of the spectrum where they can't get enough sex.  Something in between would be nice. 

Personally I think when you're having sex things are usually great, the minute it stops, chances are there's a problem.  The physical aspect is what helps two people bond, stay connected and share an exclusive intimacy that has no limits.  The possibilities are endless and partners should be open to exploring and experimenting.  You have to keep that spark alive and have fun.  That said, when you've had a couple of partners, it's very hard not to compare. 

Over time, much like we develop habits, we also develop preferences.  The same applies to sex.  When you're with someone for a long time, you eventually come up with your style and/or routine.  This is what I find difficult.  A relationship ends so now you have to meet someone else and start over.  You only know what you know.  It's scary, kind of like starting a new job and needing training.  Remember, no two people fit together the same way and each will have his/her own style.  You have to figure out how to blend these two styles or develop a whole new one if your partner is willing.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

Here's another complex question.  You're dating someone who's wonderful.  They understand you, have similar beliefs and interests, are willing to try new things, are honest, hard working and it's obvious they truly care.  Sooner or later you have sex.  One problem; the sex sucks.  What do you do?  Tough one isn't it?  How often does someone come along that successfully manages to check off pretty much every item on your extensive "must haves" list?  The first few times you sleep with someone can be awkward until you develop your groove, but after a while if things aren't getting better....

In life I try to be positive and maintain hope.  Generally I think an individual regardless of age, can pretty much do anything they set their mind to.  That said, some things can be fixed and others can't.  Some of us can learn new things, others can't or won't.  The same applies to sex.  We're all different.  We think differently, our bodies are shaped differently, our physical abilities differ and our needs are different.  

Many of the men I know have this attitude that they are God's gift to women and they are the best lovers in the world.  If only they could sleep with themselves and then others, maybe they'd better understand.  My ex was of this mind set.  If only he knew how wrong he is, at least in my opinion.  This God complex means he doesn't care what a woman wants or needs.  In his mind he's the best and he knows what he's doing so sit back and enjoy the ride, your opinion doesn't matter.  I find from my experience, if a man gets off, orgasms, comes whatever you want to call it, he's usually satisfied.  Whether it lasts a few minutes or hours, doesn't seem to be overly important.  The goal is having an orgasm.  Don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions, but these tend to be less common.  If you find a guy who's giving and puts your first, hold onto him for dear life!  It's the equivalent of winning the lottery for God's sake.  For women it usually requires a bit more time, at least for me anyways.  I'm sure other women would argue it's perfectly fine, the sooner it's over the better.  Lol  The whole two minute thing does nothing for me.  He's done and I'm barely warmed up, why bother?  Life isn't fair. 

There are several factors that can impact a physical relationship:
1. Size, yes penis size and the vagina too
- I won't lie.  Penis size can affect sex, but if he knows what he's doing it should not be an issue.  In general if he's too big it could be painful and if he's too small she might not feel much. Flip things around and the woman's vagina also impacts sex. 
2. Physical fitness level 
- Sex can be very physically challenging so being in shape makes a difference.  It can certainly affect stamina and creativity. 
3. Beliefs, religion and morals
- Sadly I have friends that think sex is a dirty thing.  It should not be enjoyed, it is used as a means to procreate.  Believe it or not, I've met men who felt the same way.  Hard to change the way you think when this is how you were raised.
4. Body image
- If you hate how you look, having sex will be difficult.  We can all be a bit self-conscious and we're our own worst critic.  Taking our clothes off and being naked is extremely difficult to do when you're not happy with how your body looks.  It makes us feel vulnerable, uncomfortable. 
5. Confidence
- "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!"  This is not easy to do.  In this day and age we're constantly reminded to be politically correct.  Confidence is sexy don't confuse it with arrogance, which is a major turn off. 
6. Experience
- Helps a lot, especially when your partner is not as experienced.  Think of it as a dance.  One leads and the other one follows.  Eventually both should have the ability to lead and alternate roles seamlessly. 
7. Weight
- Being underweight or overweight can impact performance.  You don't want to wind up with broken bones or crushed, nor do we want to hurt our partner.  There may be positions that don't work.
8. Curiosity and open mindedness
- Being open to new things and exploring the infinite possibilities is key.  Don't limit yourself.  As they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  You have to figure out what works and what doesn't so a bit of trial and error is inevitable, have fun. 
9. Age
- As much as we hate to admit it, aging along with aches and pains are hard to avoid or ignore.  Acrobatics and hanging off the chandelier become less appealing or perhaps it would be more accurate to say physically impossible, if you know what I mean.  Lol  It could also affect your opinion of sex.  In some cases it affords one more experience so continue to explore and have fun.

Sadly the questions remain unanswered.  How important is sex in a relationship?  When it's bad, what do you do?  Can it be fixed?  How?

Feel free to send your feedback.  I'm sure many are seeking answers to these questions and looking for some advice.  In the meantime, good luck.  Sorry this post was so long.
Dateless in Ottawa
       

Online Dating Sites Explored - Part 1: C-Dating

So off I went to explore the various dating sites currently available.  In my previous posts, I've talked about the sites I've used.  Not sure how many still exist, whether they've changed or how they operate, so I figured the best way to research them was to do a Google search for the Top 10 Online Dating Sites and create a profile in each so I can provide a detailed and comprehensive assessment.  Not sure who they poll, but every time you do a search different results and rankings come up.  Most of the sites listed are familiar, but there were some new ones.  My curiosity was piqued, so I got to work and started creating profiles and checking out the various features and differences between the  sites based on one of the Top 10 search results that had come up.  I decided I wouldn't post any pictures.  Just set up a profile, figure out how it works, what the features are and check out some profiles.

#1. C-Dating - This was a new one.  I had never heard of it before. 
I went into the site and started creating my profile.  All of sudden there was a section asking for my sexual preferences.  This seemed odd and unnecessary for an online dating site.  I skipped this section and continued.  Oddly enough, you don't create a user name.  The system generates one for you using a combination of letters and numbers.  I didn't think twice, figured it saves me the trouble of trying to come up with a creative username that isn't already taken.  Then there was a section where you choose pictures based on your sexual category.  This left me puzzled.  Something didn't seem right to me.  There was way too much reference to sex and preferences. To me this is something a couple explores at their own pace when they decide they have chemistry and want to pursue a relationship.  At this point I decided to check out a few profiles before completing mine. 

OMG!  The guys are quite detailed about their fetishes and sexual preferences.  Now I knew for sure this was not a typical online dating site.  I should've done more research before creating a profile.  According to the site's FAQs, this is what I found:

"CDating offers a clearly distinguished service compared to other single chats, dating platforms or lonely heart internet ads. CDating caters to men, women and couples who don’t want to miss out on non-committal relationships. CDating is a meeting place for those who would like to live out their erotic fantasies in a refined manner. Our member receive individual contact proposals generated by the CDating matching algorithm, designed for optimal compatibility. With over seven years of experience in managing global online dating services, CDating understands the importance of confidentiality, customer service and relevant matching technology. That’s why we are at the top of our game."

At the end of the day, this is a no strings attached sex matching service not an online dating site.  No wonder the usernames are system generated, this helps to ensure anonymity as anyone can use it, not just single people.  I quickly deleted everything and won't be going back onto that site again.  When exploring dating sites, check them out, do a Google search and look for blogs that give feedback or ratings before signing up.  Kind of pathetic that it came up as a Top 10 Online Dating site when I did the Google search.  In my opinion, this is not a dating site at least not for me.

On to the next site! 
Dateless in Ottawa